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The enigmatic, elusive despot.
"For years, Wonka has hidden the ominous doings of his research and development facility from the outside world," U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan said. "Given the reports of child disappearances, technological advances in glass-elevator transport, and Wonka-run Oompa-Loompa forced-labor camps, the time has come to put an end to three decades of secrecy in the Wonka Empire."
The chocolate-making capabilities of Wonka's heavily fortified compound have long been a source of speculation. Wonka, defying international calls for full disclosure, has maintained his silence regarding his factory's suspected capacity to manufacture confections of mass deliciousness.
Secretary of State Colin Powell praised the U.N. announcement.
"No more will this sinister figure be free to pursue his nefarious endeavors without fear of reprisal, protected by loopholes in international candy-making law," Powell said. "With this ruling, the U.N. has issued the global community a 'golden ticket' to draw back the curtain behind which this mysterious confectioner hides."
U.N. inspectors arrive at the gates of the Wonka compound.
According to CIA psychological profilers, Wonka has retreated from the outside world entirely, withdrawing into "a world of pure imagination." An anonymous tinker stationed near the infamous, long-locked Wonka factory gate corroborated the claim, saying, "Nobody ever goes in, nobody ever comes out."
Rival candy makers, long worried that Wonka's advanced capabilities have created an imbalance of power within the volatile global chocolate marketplace, also applauded the U.N. move.
"Wonka exerts a powerful psychological grip over the world's children," said Arthur Slugworth, president of Slugworth Confections. "They are devoted to him with a loyalty that borders on the fanatical, eagerly lapping up Scrumdiddlyumptious Bars by the millions at his command. But when we found evidence that Wonka was developing so-called 'everlasting gobstopper' technology—'the mother of all gobstoppers'—we knew it was time to act."
To date, all efforts to peer inside the Wonka inner sanctum have met with failure. Armies of legal experts retained by Wonka have kept visitors to his chocolate-making facilities effectively gagged with elaborate non-disclosure agreements. His in-house staff of high-contrast Technicolor dwarves carefully monitors what information flows in or out of the heavily guarded compound. And the few scraps of information that have come to light—vague reports of terrifying river-barge rides, razor-sharp ceiling fans, and human-sized pneumatic tubes of indeterminate purpose—have been obscured by layers of darkly comic, psychedelic symbolism, making them virtually impossible to interpret.
"Wonka has shown himself to be a man who cannot be trusted," Annan said. "Whether misrepresenting himself as a limping cripple, only to drop at the last moment into an agile somersault, or exploiting the deepest and most personal character flaws of misbehaving children, Wonka has been a man of shifty, undetermined motives and baffling ends. He must be stopped."
A CIA surveillance image of suspicious activity within the Wonka compound.
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, a longtime advocate of regime change in the Wonka Empire, is urging President Bush to consider military intervention should Wonka refuse to cooperate.
"The world can no longer turn a blind eye to Wonka's deception and misdirection," Rumsfeld said. "Without full inspections, there's no earthly way of knowing which direction Wonka's going. Not a speck of light is showing, so the danger must be growing. And he's certainly not showing any signs that he is slowing. Are the fires of Hell a-glowing? Is the grisly reaper mowing? Who can provide the world with the answer to these pressing questions?"
"The candy man can," Rumsfeld added grimly.
Bush said he is leaning toward the use of force, undeterred by the prospect of the candy maker using his rumored "Wonkavision" technology to turn would-be attackers into millions of tiny pieces, beaming them through the air and shrinking them to tiny, dollhouse-accessory size.
"We are talking about a man who is able to take a rainbow and cover it with dew," Bush told reporters during a press conference Monday. "Who knows what else he is capable of? Left to his own devices, he could, in a worst-case scenario, make the world taste very bad, indeed."
~ I always thought he was a creepy bastard. Luring kids into his factory with candy.
Kinda reminds me of Michael Jackson...
1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns.
2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough nor using cover correctly.
5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)
6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.
7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.
9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. Have a plan.
13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
16. Don't drop your guard.
17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them.
19. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
20. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
22. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
23. Your number one option for personal security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
24. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a "4."
~ Truly words to live by...
Cop Uses Stun Gun On Student Who Won't Show ID
Los Angeles, California (AP) -- A UCLA police officer shocked a student with a stun gun at a campus library after he refused repeated requests to show student identification and wouldn't leave, police said.
The student, Mostafa Tabatabainejad, was shocked Tuesday at about 11 p.m. as police did a routine check of student IDs at the University of California, Los Angeles Powell Library computer lab.
"This is a long-standing library policy to ensure the safety of students during the late-night hours," said UCLA Police Department spokeswoman Nancy Greenstein.
She said police tried to escort Tabatabainejad, 23, out of the library after he refused to provide identification. Tabatabainejad instead encouraged others at the library to join his resistance, and when a crowd began to gather, police used the stun gun on him, Greenstein said.
Tabatabainejad was arrested for resisting and obstructing a police officer and later released on his own recognizance. He declined to comment Wednesday night.
The incident was recorded on another student's camera phone and showed Tabatabainejad screaming while on the floor of the computer lab.
It was the third incident in a month in which police behavior in the city was criticized after amateur video surfaced. The other two involved the Los Angeles Police Department.
Acting Chancellor Norman Abrams promised an investigation.
"The safety of our campus community is of paramount importance to me," Abrams said in a statement.
~ This is a perfect example of the Liberal Media sensationalizing something that law enforcement had to do.
Read the headline again: "Cop Uses Stun Gun On Student Who Won't Show ID".
Now read paragraph 4 again: "She said police tried to escort Tabatabainejad, 23, out of the library after he refused to provide identification. Tabatabainejad instead encouraged others at the library to join his resistance, and when a crowd began to gather, police used the stun gun on him, Greenstein said."
"... tried to escort... after he refused to provide identification... instead encouraged others... to join his resistance... when a crowd began to gather, police used the stun gun on him."
So - he did refuse to show his ID, but that's not why he got zapped. He got to do the Electric Boogaloo for being stupid in public. He was noncompliant with the officers' verbal orders, created a public disturbance and was near inciting a riot.
Sounds like the police did the right thing to me. Case closed.
