I am here again...

Looking at a pixilated screan.

I am alone and I feel so numb.

I don't feel like reaching out.

I just feel like being alone now.

I know I piss people off.

I can't help that.

I know I get to nosey.

I know I am selfish.

Thats why its better that I am alone.

as long as I can't hold on...

I can't make a prisoner out of anyone.

Yeah, I have issues.

but thats my problem now.

I don't like to share that much about myself.

I don't like to open up.

I don't like to feel vulnerable.

I say my past...

and its used as a weapon against me.

i'm no saint.

I have abandonment issues...

so what...

its my own fault.

I just have to be strong.

I can be alone.

I have been there more than once in my life.

So its nothing new...

Life keeps going...

and the world keeps spinning around...

Sometimes we have to fight ourselves, just to get through the day.

Sometimes we have to accept whats in front of us.

Sometimes we just get lost in nothing.

Sometimes we just go crazy being in one place.

Sometimes we forget who we are.

Sometimes we just want to walk away and never look back.

Sometimes we want to go home.

Sometimes we fall in love but realize that its not love.

Sometimes we realize that its not worth the trip.

Sometimes we just raise our hands to the world and say...

I give up.

Awake...

I awaken in a cold and dark room.

The bitterness of the past day has left me behind.

The same thing like the day before.

awaken alone in this cold and forboding room.

it never changes.

regardless of the dreams and hopes that I wouldn't awaken in this bitter cold...

That my heart would beat again in the warmth of a loving embrace...

memories of those days are nothing more than whispers of the day past...

The insanity of self has gripped me so many times...

I have denied myself so many things.

I look not to others for comfert.

The shame of the beast covers me like a cloak.

I hide in the shadows so others may not see me.

Life...

Love...

Happiness...

All I do is exist.

But is that enough anymore...

Regardless of how bright the world may be...

It cast even greater shadows...

Gotta love being A.D.H.D!!!

laying in bed staring at the ciling while your brain holds u hostage...

things u thought were behind u, Come flooding back n ur doing everything in your power to keep from screaming ur head off and having the neighbers call the cops!!!

I've already been in one mental asylum I don't need to go back at this time...

even tho it was the best vacation I ever had!!!

I just can't shake the feeling something is missing!?!?!?

Something I am searching for...

But then I tell myself it's nothing...

No Need to worry myself...

But yet it's eatting away at me like...

A beaver eats wood!!!

My mind won't let it go away...

I wanna run my head into a brick wall!!!

IDK what to do right now.

I am slipping back into the slow and menicing madness!!!

Maybe I can just sit here and drool on myself while I slip away!

I hate my mind!!!

Lost...

uncertainty...

Forgetfulness...

It seems i have been down this path so many times...

So many times I pass the same ol' rocks n pebbles n divits in this path...

I have memorized them...

walking this same old path and remembering what I had thought along this path...

But at the same time forgetting why I am on this path...

It seems like a skipping record...

it plays over n over n over again at that very same spot,,,

Wishing I could leave this forsaken path...

wanting what so many have...

needing what they feel...

or is that one of the memories that have been etched into this path...

A solom recording of the self torment I have inflicted on myself...

wondering why I let this continue...

Its beyond my understanding...

I am afraid...

Afraid,

that if I left this path...

that what little memories I have left will be gone forever...

I am afraid once I am gone...

the memories will be swollowed by the earth and wind...

The path I cut would overgrow with time...

Would I fade away then..?

Was it all just a dream?

Or was it a glimps into my own future?

I awoke with a jarring feeling in my chest.

A feeling so cold and bitter...

Holding on to what I could of the dream I had.

A man by himself sitting in a church...

No one else around him...

He was sitting there looking at a casket,

Wrot with cracks and knot holes.

Cobwebs and dirt mared it...

A casket that had no shine or glimer...

This man stood alone over it, staring into the casket...

The man had not shed one tear looking into this casket...

I went to speak to the man...

But no words could be uttered from my mouth...

I went over to him trying to speak...

I could not see his face...

He pointed to the lifeless body in the casket...

All I could see...

Was me......

Then I Heard him speak...

This is the man who threw everything away...

He had no friends...

He had no family...

He had no love...

He died because he nolonger cared...

He drifted from place to place,

seeking something he couldn't find...

He died empty,

Voided...

He gave up on life because the dreams of his past kept him

searching for what he thought he had once...

He wanted a fairytale.

He gave up his life searching for something that was never

there...

He was pathetic.

never knowing how to let go.

now he will be burried with the other lost souls.

those who never had a chance to be remembered.

This is were you will find yourself soon...

upon my awakening...

I realized...

it was true...

I have pushed so many away...

I haven't found anything in my time here that I considered

worth fighting for...

I have grown so cold and bitter that even if someone tried to

get close to me,

I was pushing them away to begin with...

maybe that is my fate...

To be forgotten is a fate worse than death...

                              But I guess this is my own doing...

I don't know if you see me.

I don't know if you even care.

but yes, here i am.

i stand here alone,

just waiting...

Maybe you will notice me,

maybe not...

I stand here just waiting.

maybe you will glance at me,

maybe not...

Maybe you will see me through the ever growing

crowd that grows around your beauty,

Maybe not...

I stand here hoping you will see me waiting for you.

I feel so small in comparison to the ever growing crowd that hovers around you...

but I will wait...

wait till the day you find me through the sea of people who surround you.

and hold me in your loving embrace.

but all i can say is,



Maybe...

How would It feel to spread my arms open and just jump?
 

Is it the thrill I seek?

Will it give me compleation?

I bore of the life I live.

Looking for something that isn't there.

I want to feel the air passing by me.

I want to feel the adrenalin flow through my vains.

I want to break free of these human bonds.

I want to be free...

My thought on this is...

If angels could fall and become human,

Wouldn't it work in reverse too?

Maybe this is just a flight of fancy...

But wouldn't it be worth the try?

To be that much closer to God...

Wouldn't that be worth the trip???