Hurricane Cattrina's blog: "poetry"

"wake up"....... a small voice inside my head my soul stirs "wake up"..... gentle voice my mind crys, my body pushes it away "Wake Up"..... more insistent "Wake Up"..... urgent go away, please, just go away can you not see i hurt "wake up... wake up... wake up"... whisper in my mind "can you not see, your day has begun without you".... gentle, mournfull, but there is no pity, only love and pain "wake up"..... my mind crys, my body pushes away, i dont know how.... i dont know how..... "i cannot do it for you.".... soft whisper, small voice my mind crys, my body pushes away "WAKE, CHILD OF GOD. DO YOU NOT SEE, YOUR DAY HAS BEGUN WITHOUT YOU!" i am afraid, my mind crys, my body pushes away "the world turns, Oriah, and watches dispassionately as you sleep on. Wake up... Wake up... Wake up..."

darkness welling inside me the chaos of too many possibilities the overwhelming sensation of God and Man clashing into oblivian and i am left asundered the forgotten prize left lying on the aftermath of the battle field no light nor leash to lead me home and in the cold i shiver, waiting for the comanding touch, gentle and firm to claim me to whos side shall i belong? thier are two wolves, my master says... there are two wolves.....

i dont know how to make this go away i dont know how to make this stop, i dont know how to hold up my hand. and in the end, i will cry myself to sleep, and no one will know. and i will die alone, scared of the ghosts that dont exist, of the deaths that havnt happened yet, pushing through the pain without any drugs, just like before, just like always

there is a darkness in my heart as of late i cannot seem to drive away a sinking, and a pulling i dont know what it means, or where it came from it makes me feel so alone so hurt and dark a little scared sometimes when i cry, i cant stop. i always used to be able to stop i dont know how to tell him how to ask him for help. i know he deals too, he would think i was just trying to make his problems seem less too often am i sitting here at this computer alone it makes it so easy to forget most nights but today.... today it doesnt go away today it keeps coming i cooked three pots of baby food today i made a cake with chocolate frosting brownies and meatloaf with asperagess and stuffing i cleanded the bathroom three times i vacummed twice upstairs and down i cleaned the kitchen i dont know how many times but it still wont go away and i still dont understand and i'm still crying and i hid it long enough for him to take a shower and leave god why did i do that? god why did i do that?

in the end, what am i? ashes of thought a memory of pain and for what? all rivers flow to one end and by the gods graces do i flow gently but it was not always so i remember smokey rooms and fear i remember pain so great an angel thought to stand by me now? now i live in a heaven of sorts, everything i asked for is mine but i never asked for a sound mind a mind free from unreasonable fear i never asked to be able to keep all my body parts was that the cost? sanity and my thyroid? such an odd payment, if you ask me.