Chewbaka T Wookie's blog: "read these... figure me out... judge me...."

some poetry i've written over the years.  not saying it's any good... feel free to tear it apart, i honestly couldn't give a shit.

05-04-03       

i am far too imperfect for myself to accept
i am far too fragile to carry this
i cried like a frightened child today
and she didn't care
brushed it off
changed subject

i cannot do this much longer
tired of worrying about everyone
tired of remembering everything for everyone
tired of being the only one who seems to give a shit

i want to stop
i want my heart to fall silent
i want the world to swallow me whole

**************************************************************************************************************

facade (06-02-03)

this incessant lack of passion
like chinese water torture
wearing away my soul
one drop at a time

this loveless void
i jokingly call home
is nothing but the place
where i sleep and try to
forget

i remember the warmth
the smiles
the hands held
caring embraces
now impossible from the other side of this room

going through motions
frightened of what lays outside
the door at the edge of these four walls

cowardly
spineless fuck
where are your answers now?

the only thing sadder than this
is the fact i'm quite certain
there are many others like me

walking hollow toothy grins
rote-task existence
no better than lab rats

(at least they know to stop hitting the fucking bar after the pellets stop coming)

**************************************************************************************************************

06-18-03

i cannot claim to understand any of this

i can only listen to the sound of this empty rattle
in my chest
where my heartbeat once was
once sure and strong
now tinny and without purpose

walking halls of home
in circles
pacing
waiting to hear the echoes
of the love that once was

never so unsure of the future than in
present

although, i am one consistent sonofabitch
i never failed to let you down
and it weighs heavy on what once was my heart

**************************************************************************************************************

06-20-03

beaten down and wasted away
there is nothing left to feel
except perhaps the bittersweet of what was

can someone please hold onto my heart for a while?
please protect it in your hands
keep it safe and warm
i do not want it right now
i do not need it
it has only ever caused me pain
it has only ever led me down paths i'd have been better off not to tread

and i'm feeling more and more
like i've nothing important to say
all these words sounding more and more the same
meaningless mantra
syllable salad
worthless
nothing

**************************************************************************************************************

ABSENCE

my emotions have taken a holiday
is it alright to feel this much nothing?

ironically, this doesn't upset me at all
but then again, that would be something...

maybe it was better
having all my nerves exposed
heart on sleeve

now it just isn't all that interesting
this "'in between cycles" cycle

brown
square
plain
flat
smooth
tepid
zero

**************************************************************************************************************

in this quite t(i/o)me of reflection
or ones just like it
the monkey rears its ugly head

and i long
for that pain
once again

to hold it close
and protect it like a child
guard and keep it
for it was and is
one of the only things
that was ever truly
mine

medicate
distract
busy one's self
avoid those nagging voices in your head
the memories
the emotions
the triggers

FUCK YOU mr. pink pill
i'm not all that happy with you today
i'm not all that anything, as a matter of fact

like a mayonnaise sandwich on stale whitebread....

**************************************************************************************************************

INSOMNIA

at least this numb
gives me very little to think about
this tolerable (in)existence
flashing by in all too finite chunks of time

i can never find my sleep

and i rose this morning
and suddenly
missed you
for the first time in nearly a year

i can never find my sleep

i missed the feel of your overly warm body
beside me
i would always turn the alarm clock off
and cuddle up closer to you
it was the only "safe" place i had
and i didn't want it (you) to leave

i miss the sound of the hairdryer whirring away
in the morning
almost effectively drowning out that terrible music
you insisted on playing while readying for work
change my station, will ya?

well, you did much more than that

i miss the reasons i thought i had
for setting feet on floor
for opening that door
for forcing myself out into the world once more
i...

i can never find my sleep

it's sad all your needs turned ugly
it's a shame the family is gone
it's lonely here by myself
it's pathetic, this (in)existence

perhaps it's just the idea of you
that i so miss
the peripheral things
that added some kind of ambiance
to these finite chunks of time

for now i just hunt for reasons
to set feet on floor
to open that door
to force myself out into that world once more

i can never find my sleep

**************************************************************************************************************

you are the ghost in the hall
you are the everything and all
and though i wait to hear your call
i will still refuse to fall

**************************************************************************************************************

...cancel my subscription...

make it black
make it numb
take this back

turn down the scared
it's so hard to breathe
this air, thick with reproach
and all i've never become

that dogshow was years ago
but still i wait

i can be whatever you need
but i can never be
all i feel

miles of mask
and illusion
create

like some strained oasis
i can appear
but only
appear

i'm only as real as you let me be

but i'm only me
when you're away

i've bled enough for this
and the vultures have long since lost interest

be a dear, won't you
and push the dirt back over

**************************************************************************************************************

UPON THE COMING DOWN

and these ideas
so strange
like troubled poetry
flow
and ebb
unstopped
and unchallenged

i'll hang on this
cross
a while longer
please don't disturb me

i'll bleed
for you
and all
dripping pearls
of wisdom
i've always ignored

in a nitrous haze
of faux laughter
and plastic smile
i'll perform
just keep that music playing
a little
longer

please don't
turn the lights
on
and never say it's
time
to go
home

**************************************************************************************************************

this past year....
nothing but pain
physical
emotional
psychological

a blur of doctor's visits
pills
therapy
wheelchairs
and loneliness

god, the loneliness

once trapped by walls
now trapped by my own failing body

another pill
another doctor
a different flavour of pain

this shouldn't be happening

being forgotten by people i thought treasured me
for whatever reason

i always held them dear

regardless of whatever stories might be told of me
i do not deserve this

if anyone had the balls, they would talk to me about these things first
before drawing conclusions

but it's always the same
judge me

i'm your trained dog
watch me do a little dance
i'll give you the gift of laughter and happiness
i'll give you the shirt from my back

with that gone, it's much easier to stab me there

i'm a very slow moving target these days

and how fucking DARE anyone try to turn this into their tragedy

a mighty fuck you is all i can muster in response

i didn't ask for ANY of this
my life wasn't the best, but at least it was stable, predictable

now it's like being trapped on a rollercoaster, and never being let off

scraping by every day, praying that tomorrow might be better

fuck you, to those that laughed at me
fuck you, to those that tried to limit my ability to express my feelings,

and discounted and trivialized what little i was able to get out

i may forgive, but i never forget

once i'd have taken a bullet for them, now all i want is the gun

**************************************************************************************************************

all that lingers
are the whispers
of all that never was

the constant reminder
that faces me
and taunts on a daily basis

making me feel less than,
worse than,
lower than

pounds at my head
like hard, driving rain
and here i am with no umbrella
perpetually unprepared

i spend days
in dark corners
hiding
or trying to find my smile
whichever i have more time for

and this fog that encircles me
will not let go

all the sun in the world
will not burn it away

i wish i could package it up
and send it back to it's rightful owner
i know i don't deserve this
and it's far outstayed it's welcome

my face is so tired
from this frown
the hard lines and age
taken on for what?

absolutely nothing.

**************************************************************************************************************

03-27-04

they returned again
those little whispers
those tiny thoughts
those terrifying ideas

just to remind me
i'm not as well off
as i'd like to think

"most days you want to hurt yourself."
they'd say
not that i can argue
i just don't have that kind of energy right now

"why are you so stupid?"
they taunt
and i can't give them an answer
it's just always been that way

"what the f**k is wrong with you?"
you tell me, and we'll both know
odds are, if i had the first clue
i wouldn't be writing this down,
would i?

"no one is ever going to love you."
that might very well be true
it's never going to be possible
if you don't shut up

most days i want to hurt myself...

**************************************************************************************************************

03-29-04

how i hate this black
that extends from my center

dulling the world to my eyes
transforming the vivid
into so many shades of grey

and i pine for the smile
that used to come so easily

now nothing more than an
awkward
facial
tic

**************************************************************************************************************

04-26-04

and on occasion they might...
reach out
and try to
touch
that which recoils
and shrieks to be left
alone

why bother?
one must ask
and why do you?
it is not worth
the time
or
your effort

this will not be
saved
it does not wish to be

but still
every now and
again
the touch comes
and still
every now and
again
i run

don't push me
i will only disappoint you

it's become a specialty of the house

**************************************************************************************************************

last night
magic
this morning
feels more like sin

wanna cut all those wires
and tear out
the things that can make me
think
the joy out of anything

and she says now
that she regrets
to an extent

just as i'd come to terms
with the fact
we're all
meat puppets

and i got that bit of wisdom from her
last night
this mourning

**************************************************************************************************************

08-26-04

It's one of those times
where you just want to scream

but sadly there isn't anything
you have to say that's worth
being that loud about it

Keep that waxy grin on your face
my boy
you'll go places

shaking hands and nodding heads
when I'd rather strangle the life out of them

relax
deep breaths
in with the good

whatever

**************************************************************************************************************

08-30-04

this Hurt
i never thought i would feel
again
has overtaken me

hard to think
that
i could feel this strongly
for anyone

i thought i told myself i wouldn't

it feels like it once did
some 13 odd years past
when my first "true" love
left for good

and it scared the living daylights out of me

i could have sworn i told myself i wouldn't

this insane invisible heavy
crushing my ribcage
filling it with such slow black
empty

so much weight for so much nothing

i scrawled that promise on my soul
and told myself no one would ever get in

so how did she?

**************************************************************************************************************

08-31-04

i want this all so
immediately
like an impatient child

but it's been so long
since I've had any of it
or anything like it

i want more

i need to feel this
i'm so sick of feeling nothing
i will take it as i can
i am not picky
i need to feel this

and i'm so scared
that i'm going to wake up
so if you would
please keep it down

**************************************************************************************************************

i feel ugly
and alone
and these walls seem barren
and desperate
and i want to hurt back

i've heard giving back is virtuous
and i've got a f**kload of virtue

so i'd like to share this with you

i am
nothing but
scared
scarred

betraying this welcoming smile
on a daily basis
i just want you to
understand

because i can't

**************************************************************************************************************

09-20-04

Show me someone
who likes feeling ignored
and I'll admit I'm wrong
for taking offense
at this
nothing
that's become

Introduce me to
a willing doormat
and I will remain
at the your tableside
begging for crumbs
of your attention

Hook me up
with another dead heart in a shell
and I could
for once
not feel like
I don't belong
here

**************************************************************************************************************

please erase me
wipe this slate
make clean
again

please

undo all this
harmful misuse
return once again
to a state
of proper
of right
of normal

please

make this time
more than the
inconsequential stain
on a page in the book of eternity

please

erase me

**************************************************************************************************************

keeping up appearances
so unhealthy for the soul
never let your bird sing
never let your true colours spill

it's just a racket, and who'll clean up the mess?

it would be grand
if this masquerade ball
would end

masks off
show me your ugly
i'll show you mine
and it won't matter any more

because it never should have

**************************************************************************************************************

it tears at me
like some crazed, clawed beast
to see such a beautiful soul
in such pain

i'd hand over my happy
if that were a possible thing
please see that it can be
so much better

if only the power of will
could transform the sad of another

i know you can find your smile
i've seen it when you were distracted
and it shone so brightly
please let it come back

it misses you

**************************************************************************************************************

a walking jangled mess of exposed nerves
the perpetual twitch
twisting inside herself
tie off, need more
push away the feel
push away

welcoming the fog
to blur the edges
distort the vision
like heat off black cars
in summer sun
bending air
bending will

reach out with delicate hands
someone is there
accept the fear
accept the pain
but accept the sun as well

warmth and light
can be
if the effort is spent
finding the way
towards the window
from the shadows

**************************************************************************************************************

all veins
and hands
and reaching

looking like dead trees in
winter

comfort never held much
promise
and numb never truly brought
relief

but spring
brings new
washes clean
the
grey

only now to make it through that cold
winter

**************************************************************************************************************

11-16-04

nothing but this manufactured sanity
and this sorry excuse for reality
and these walls so grey
and the lines
in this face

I can never sigh deep enough
to let this world know
that I long
for something more

**************************************************************************************************************

This warm
purple and gold
flows through
and brings the smile

how this scares me

I've never thought myself
worthy of anything more
than a cursory thought

but this

so much more than
the crumbs and scraps
of love and emotion
I once was so grateful on which to subsist

but this

the thought alone
makes me tremble
makes me smile
makes me giddy like I've never known
makes butterflies free of their dormant cocoons
melts ice off heart
makes whole once more

I once dreamed of being in love

but this...

**************************************************************************************************************

the wet crack of my neck
every morning
like a pillow of broken glass underneath my brain
tells me that this isn't a dream

dragging the old corpse from its rest
scraping the pain from my bones
caffeine and nicotine are always on the menu at this hour
who says I'm an addict?
my vices are taxed, and somehow that clears my conscience

off to the water chamber I go
to hose myself down
try and pretty this mess up for the masses
try to buff out some of the scratches
and straighten that crooked grin
bent posture

turn down the afraid

shoulders back
head and eyes straight forward

that bitch of a sun
always there, taunting me
knows I'd rather be back in that dark room
passing time with closed eyes

adequately drugged, it's showtime....

**************************************************************************************************************

this unbearable weight
black thick
pain
laid me flat
impotent and useless
couldn't bear to raise my head
or raise my hand to object
to this

crippled and twisted
a stranger to all those who saw
me

but i wasn't myself

as god is my witness i wasn't myself

laid under the weight of suffocating "blankets"
sustenance of opiates and icepacks
bending myself in two
and never feeling as one

how i hated it all....

but i wasn't myself

you have to believe me, i wasn't myself

the sight of me made others cry
and i couldn't make it better
i couldn't fix them
or myself
dead limbs cannot offer comfort
and their hugs hurt me, so i had to refuse
alone in that hopeless cell of sad nothing
mouth open, no noise, only tears rolling
hold still....or the pain will come again

how i wished i was somewhere else

someone else

whoever i was i know i was not myself

i can only beg your forgiveness now

for then i was not myself

i disappointed you all, i know....but i swear on all that is holy

i was not myself

**************************************************************************************************************

to live from spite and mean it
often all we have
grudges and hate
serve to motivate
and drive us forward
and prove ourselves
to some ghost that wanders our hallway

**************************************************************************************************************

what's your junk?
everyone's got their own monkey
and their own level of addiction
they crave, they fix
they sometimes try to kick
and often only end up back where they began