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This Love

This love is empty, this life I live a lie. I am no longer my own, sadly just a part of everyone's daily life, a routine. I awaken each day to the sunlit loneliness, yearning to live again.

 
 Moments of happiness run through  my mind, only to trip over reality and fall so painfully into the place that has been made for me.
 
 My soul hangs on to the last flicker of hope for passion unleashed! My heart slowly bleeds out from the wounds so unsparingly opened, ripped wide from selfish thoughts, self crippling by an upbringing that willingly kills another's exploration of pleasure and life. Dooming them to a worthless, self indulging life and power trips of control that is offered as a filler to their own emptiness and non existing ego, that has been inflated by a misconception of their own reality.

Peeling back the layers

Peeling back the layers with all faults exposed. Memories of past regret lay raped from constant thought, scars are the souls decor lining the walls so sweetly with bitterness of before, some ripped open, others slowly healing....the deeper ones lay quite, not speaking the warnings of what is to come.
 A vision dies by the hands of fate....
Tears of anger stream down the face of the lover, burning the soft flesh. Silent sorrow poured into the pillows at night while the other slumbers so deeply beside, never knowing the pain that is released from his own oblivion. Teasing with the softest of touches he brings the pleasure to surface, a touch of heaven too soon torn away only to leave the lover alone once again.
 Careless words are spoken that shred the spirit and deadens the heart, the mind poisoned with hurt and anger slowly builds the scar covered walls, mind racing trying to catch the heart before it falls so deeply into the abyss of lies and false hopes.
 Begging for it to stop, the heart cries as the tears come, shrouded in darkness, no one will see,muffled weeping stifled in the night,reaching out to touch, only to feel the emptiness of his flesh that lay there...never knowing...perhaps never caring....
 The aggravation of the others lack of knowing...their loss of direction enrages...but slowly the anger slips away allowing the lover to see that she is not to blame...faults exposed..laying open..the past clearly read.... REMEMBER..always remember... Others do not see what it is that they fear, blinded by unknown, suffering within, they will forever lay alone with their heart that cries for that same fear to save it from misery.
 In solitude you lay with an empty body of flesh beside, warm against your own, but frozen against the heart, you see what it is that you have, a smile slowly spreads across your face, only to be drained away as you realize...that that IS all you do have...the emptiness, the brief passion, then to be left alone and cycling  into he same yet again.
 THE LOVER SIGHS DEEPLY FEELING THE RELEASE ESCAPE HER, A SMILE COMES TO FACE, AND WARMTH FILLS WITHIN...THE MIND RESTS KNOWING THAT THERE IS HOPE FOR THE LOST...SCARS HEALING, THE BLEEDING STOPS...SAVED FROM THE DOWN FALL, THE LOVER WILL SURVIVE.
 
By: Evalynn Hawthorne

Smothering

Smothering, slowly falling into death, the light fades off as I yearn for rest. Peace of mind forever escapes me, never allowing for the wholeness to return, gashes and tears ripped too deeply to ever come back together and be as it once was..... Loneliness suffocates me, choking me, watching as the others pass and live in perfection, needing to be with them, wanting to return with them..... Fighting, anger, hate and betrayal consume the once happy and free spirit that so freely loved..... Never appreciated, always placed aside for the finer things that entertain and self serve..... Selfishness breeds the hate, leaving the sour film of disgust behind where sweet words once fell..... The eyes now dim, the voice silenced from its songs, the mind worn and surrendering, begging for no more..... The heart still hopes for the perfection that has been found once before….always searching, constantly mislead, but never giving up. .... By Evalynn Hawthorne

 Dementia: Walking in a Winter Wonderland...miles away from my home, in my robe and slippers

 

Schizophrenia : Do You Hear What I Hear?

 

Multiple Personality: We Three Kings Disoriented Are

 

Narcissistic: Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me

 

Manic: Deck The Halls, and house and lawn and trees and stores and streets and fireplaces....

 

Paranoid: Santa Clause Is Coming To Town...To kill me.

 

Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, Im gonna Cry, Im gonna Pout maybe I will tell you why...

 

Borderline Personality: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

 

ADD: Silent night..LOOK A BUNNY, CAN I HAVE A CHOCOLATE, ARE WE THERE YET?????

 

OCD: Jingle bells jingle bells jingle bells jingle bells jingle bells jingle bells jingle bells jingle bells jingle bells jingle bells jingle bells jingle bells jingle bells jingle bells

Military Wedding Vows

 



Dear family and friends, we are gathered here today in the sight of God and the Department of the Army, to witness this exchange of vows, and see the love that these two dedicated, loving people have for one another.

"Wilt thou, Spc Hawthorne, take Eva (who will now be referred to as the "dependent"), as your family member, to dwell together in so far as the Department of the Army will permit?" "Wilt thou love her, comfort her, via the postal service, over the phone or via email, make sure she knows where the commissary, PX, and church are, and what time she is scheduled to use the laundry room the day she arrives, wherever you are stationed?"

"Wilt thou attempt to tell her more than 24 hours in advance that you will be leaving for two weeks, beginning the next morning?" This especially applies to the years you will live in a foreign country!

"Wilt thou Eva, take this soldier as thy wedded husband, knowing that he is depending upon you to be the perfect (well almost) Army wife, running the household as you see fit, and being nice to the commander's wife?" Furthermore, you understand that your life with your husband (little that you may have together) will not be normal, that you may have to explain to your children (if any), not once, but twice, and more often in the same day, that mothers do have husbands, and that children do have daddy's, and that the picture of the man on the refrigerator is not the milkman, but the same individual who tucks them in at 2200 hours, long after they are asleep. This soldier is their daddy,
who loves them very, very much.

"Wilt thou love, respect and wait for him, preparing his favorite cookies and pictures of yourself and the kids or pets, so he can remember what you look like?" And last but not least, put on the outside of your door his "Welcome home" sign when he's due to arrive?"

"I, Spc Hawthorne, take thee Eva, as my independent wife, from 1900 to 2200 hours or as long as allowed by my Commanding Officer (subject to change without notice), for better or worse, earlier or later, near or far, and I promise to look at the pictures you send me, maybe not when they get to me in the field, but before I turn the lights out. I will also send a letter/email, if time permits, and if not, to somehow, some way, make the time."

"I, Eva, take thee Spc Hawthorne as my live-in/live-out husband, realizing that your comings and goings and 0330 staff meetings are normal (although absurd to me) and part of your life as a soldier. I promise not to be shocked or taken by surprise when you inform me that, although we've just arrived at our new duty station, we will be leaving within the month. Yes, I'll have you as my husband as long as while your are away, my allotment comes through regularly, and that you leave me a current power of attorney and the checkbook at all times. I am a family member and proud of it, dependent upon myself and my resources. Although I miss you when you are away, I know I can handle whatever comes across my path."

"Now then, let no man or woman put asunder what God and the Department of the Army have brought together. The Army hereby issues you this lovely, dedicated, independent woman, knowing that she'll be an asset not only to your marriage, but also to the mission of the United States Army, which is, as you all know, to remain in a state of "Readiness." By the authority vested in the Bible, elaborated in the regulation and subject to current directives concerning the aspects of marriage in the Army, you are now a Soldier with a Family Member. Best Wishes and good Luck."

NEW TEXANS DIARY!



May 30th: Just moved to Dallas, Texas. Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th: Its really heating up. It got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

 June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today; Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

 July 10th : The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work; what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. You’ve got to respect the sun in a climate like this.

 July 20th: I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and Bits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

 July 25th: The wind sucks… It feels like a giant blow dryer!! The home air-conditioner is not working and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

 July 30th: I have been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 in house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

 Aug. 4th: It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85, but this humidity makes the house feel like it's about 95. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid city.

 Aug. 8th: If another wise guy asks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to strangle him. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th: I tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the car. I thought my rear was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs. Now my car smells like burnt hair and baked cat.

 Aug. 10th: The weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this desert? Water rationing now, so my $1700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the pool. Even the cactus can't live in this heat.

 Aug. 14th: Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 115 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Texas. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here...

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