Imperfections stare at me through the mirror
Their cruel words echoing in my ears
The time spent on attempting perfection all but lost
No matter the effort I put into it never worth the cost
Unable to achieve the standards I've set so high
And feeling less than desirable always asking why
Taking one picture after the next to just get it right
A losing battle no matter how hard I fight
A different hair color every couple months
The craving to be the natural me not considered even once
I've lost myself after all these years of trying to appease everyone else
And feeling that I'm only able to fail
the simplicity of wanting to be praised and adored taking first place
Something I've come to think I don't deserve
But regardless of how absurd
It'll only grow worse
Its eating me alive on the inside
Yet I can't escape it, can't hide
The need to be loved will consume me until the day I die.
*****I wrote this poem in realization that some of us suffer from things that are often beyond our control. I wrote this in honesty.****
Though I drove aimlessly, unsure of my destination, I was blindly being lead exactly where I needed to be.
The incompleteness of my life, the emptiness inside, the walls I had hidden behind collapsed around me
Life can change in an instant, for better or worse: Life can end in a moment, one careless act can change it all
The strength to progress is minimal, the desire to get up is minute sometimes, even the best of us fall
I have seen moments where I wanted to lay down and die, give in and succumb to the grim reapers desire
Through blinded eyes I see a light, as bright as the sun, feel the intense heat from an immense ball of fire
Am I dead? Have I finally tempted fate one time too many? Am I doomed to spend an eternity in this hell?
I close my eyes and imagine what could have been one last time. I feel peace coming over me, all is well.
I awake to an image of my truck engulfed in flames, upside down. Someone is trapped inside
I try to scream out, but the words won't come. It's my fault, for turning my life into such a wild ride
I feel a tugging at my arm, my body is being violently shaken. I can't make the trembling cease
I had no idea that this could happen, why me? I promised her forever. May she rest in peace!
Everything was beautiful, the sky such a perfect baby blue, the rays of sun almost transparently visible. I could hear the crickets chirp, feel the fresh dew as I lay on the grass. Even the repressed memories of my childhood, the abuse, neglect, those memories I had tried so hard to black out, suddenly disappeared. This euphoria is unimagineable, unattainable, I have finally found my true love. I could not imagine how incomplete my life really was until I found my soulmate. This feeling so pure, so wonderful, how could I have ever lived without? My heart feels so warm, finally complete, working in overdrive, racing at just the thought of this love and adoration.
My eyes slowly close as I drift off to sleep, but suddenly I am awakened by a tingling, a burning sensation that overwhelms my body. I can hear distant sounds but they are too minute to understand.
I open my eyes as my body jerks, I can finally hear the word that has been repeating through my mind.
I feel myself fading away with a pounding in my chest, gasping for air, I look down and see that my baby is still with me, nourishing my body as she slowly kills every last cell. Love hurts, but I never thought it would hurt so wonderfully...
I feel the darkness coming in on me and I remember how great she felt the first time, I never thought I would find a love so pure, but that would cost me so much...
I died with her in my arms, her name was Heroin...
The note was written through tear filled eyes, explaining the misery that I had experienced, and that this time I simply could not hold on any longer, I needed a break. Everything was done, I checked the stove twice, coffee pot was off but I assumed to unplug it would be better, the dog had food and water. The front door was locked, thermostat was set at a reasonable level. Dinner was on the table, laundry was put away, everything anyone might notice was taken care of. It would not matter at all if I decided to leave, he would not even notice I was gone until he needed something, Would anyone even miss me? This was the last time I would hide the cuts and bruises behind make-up and sunglasses. My biggest nightmare had come true, and the only person to blame was me.
I walked back up the stairs one last time to make sure she was nestled securely in her bed, I could hear the repetitious breathing like so many times before, the soothing sounds of peaceful slumber. I went back down the stairs, took one last look around as I stepped into the garage. This would be the last time I ever called this place home.
I took one last deep breath, steadied myself on shaking legs. I saw movement out of the corner of my eye, heard my daughters trembling voice, "Mommy what are you doing out here", as I pulled the trigger............
The memory of that night still plays constantly through my mind like a video reenactment stuck on repeat. There is no rewind, fast-forward, pause, eject... The horror just as fresh as the blood that trickled down her blouse. The crimson red glowed in the moonlight, each new source as beautiful as the last, like poetry in motion, an artists' final masterpiece. Completely magical how her tears blended with my chosen color to create an opaquely pink streak down one side of her neck. The champagne-like nectar, it's bitter taste reminiscent of the bitterness she held towards me, yet I could not get enough. An overwhelming desire, almost an addiction, a thirst I could not quench. The knife was my paintbrush, her gown my canvas, a piece of art that noone will ever see, at a price that one could not afford to pay. I am an artist, and I made beautiful work out of a being so horrible.
You are welcome baby...
Who would have ever thought that crimson red could have such a brilliant glow
There was so much blood. How anyone could live through that I did not know
Through tear filled eyes I watched as she gasped for one last breath
She fought so hard to survive, but we both knew she had nothing left
In it's own morbid way there was a certain beauty in her empty stare
As if he had brought peace to a life of agony, hurt, and despair
I closed my eyes and hoped that maybe this was all just a dream
Perhaps I had only imagined the horrible things I had just seen
Why couldn't I stop him? I was her last hope and I let her down
Like I was standing on the shore, watching as she drowned
I just want it to be over, but it seems like this is merely where it begins
He glanced into the hallway mirror and smiled as I looked back at him
Well..it's been a while
So um...let me kick this off
And uh, I promise it'll clear up any questions
Damn right I'm the ex
And damn right I'm the best
You'll never find anyone to take my place
You can tell 'em you love 'em all you want
But you'll be seeing my face
And no matter how far you run
You can't get rid of what you've done
You had a girl that woulda given you the world
Now you're too busy wishin you could get me outa your head
Because you turned your back instead
So fuck all those fakes who pretend they have you
They don't and you and I both know it's the truth
But hell go ahead an let 'em try
They won't get very far
All those bitches know I got your heart
Who woulda thought
We ain't fighting no one but ourselves
So I''m just gonna kick it
Let everyone think they got you on around their thumb
Gonna watch them try to get close
Play a little dumb
And give them deuces as the pass by
I never thought it would play out this way
But hell we did it to each other
What can either of us really say
These coy hazel eyes hide a heart so cold
They will capture your heart and steal your soul
And I will kill and good intentions you've ever had
I'll become the obsession that drives you mad
I'll be the poision you'll willingly take
I'm best and worst decision you'll ever make
I can fullfill your darkest wish
And torment you with your most twisted wish
I will tempt you with lust and affection
So you will will lose all sense of direction
I will corrupt any innocence left within your mind
I will destroy any sense of love in you I can find
I will feast upon your heart like a untreatable disease
So that you'll only suffer if you ever try to leave
You should have never trusted me....
These nightmares are from fear to fall asleep
Worried they will come like wolves in the night creep
The actions in these nightmares are souless intentions
The darkest part of myself that never goes mentioned
I can only save those treasured enough to stay
And the rest are left to find their own way
Often to face the horrors they did upon others
Simply just to make them suffer
Most are the ones who have crossed me in life
So they can exist in the terrors of death and the end of a knife
Yet in others I find myself running away
My own fears sometimes leading me astray
Eventually I will find peace once I close my eyes
Or haunt me until the day my last breath dies
Lately my minds been such a mess
That I've had no relief and no rest
Too fcused on being a mother I forgot everything else
Forgotten how being my own person felt
I've become a shell of who I used to be
I look in the mirror and don't even see me
All I see is circles under my eyes
And the ugly shades of my hair from fading dye
Nails bitten don so far they bleed
From trying to fill everyone elses needs
Expected to be a giving mother and wife
To which I've dedicated my life
Not that I'm not thankful, I am
I get to stay at home while he works his ass off for uncle sam
It's just to the point where I stopped caring for myself
And had too much pride to ever ask for help
Now I'm stuck in this chaos of my mind with no reprieve
This smile is only meant to decieve
I can only hope this darkness will eventually leave