Clemson Chick's blog: "poems"

Deep inside the depths of my mind I open the doors to see what I'll find Perhaps uncover a clue from the past To put my nightmares to rest at last It holds me back and makes me afraid Does it fortell the future already made? Does the guilt within stay forever with me Will I be trapped inside and no one will see? She's always there in my dreams dressed in white and young she seems Calling my name and wanting to play Showing me things and wanting me to stay She points to a grave in which isn't her own And tells me to look at the name on the stone I clutch my chest and gasp for air I fall to my knees, wake me from this nightmare She sits on a swing swinging away Calling my name she has more to say Please stay with me, we'll have lots of fun We can play outside and in the sun I look at her with tears in my eyes I'm sorry I can't, I don't want to die Please stop trying, just leave me alone I won't go with you, I want to go home She shakes her head and whispers to me Don't you see what's happening, what's meant to be You're fighting your demons and they have grown What happened wasn't your fault, i did it all on my own My eyes open wide as I awake from the night The light shining in making everything right This has become part of my sleep Dreaming about her it makes me weep Until I find the cause of this pain I will try my best from going insane I want to make peace and end these dreams And forever put an end to my silent screams

Over there is where she sat Upon the sand that cold dark night With a half shattered heart and silky eyes Under the dark silver moon. I watched beauty for an age She stared longingly at the moon Her whispers echoed through the silence Under the dark silver moon. The moon's saddened face appeared Watching her feet in the water As her arms loathed to let her go Under the dark silver moon. Suddenly her mouth opened And her soul filled the night As she sang with a sorrow filled melody Under the dark silver moon. She sang of a beast who'd grasped onto her heart Then locked it as he snapped it in two Leaving young beauty with random emotions Under the dark silver moon. Tears poured, and words flowed on forever My own heart was melting just to see hers go cold Yet I sat and I watched, not helping the singer Under the dark silver moon. She felt confused but at home, with blackened emotions I felt her need, her want, to turn invisible, as she looked up at the rain Raindrops pounded her face, heavy as a foot on an ant Under the dark silver moon. The singer started to write, and I felt for the poet As her tears turned into chocking swallows Her poem written in stars, not fantastic, but deep Under the dark silver moon. The singer and poet, the watcher of strange, one soul in two different places My confusion has come time and time once again Lying down on my bed, but standing in a different place Under the dark silver moon.

Staring at your drawn, place face Your bloodshot, swollen eyes Outside world thinks your happy Now I'm seeing through your disguise Salty tears streaming down Eyes narrowed in such hate Lips pursed in disappointment How has this become your fate? Anger coursing through veins Heart filled with deep regret To many mistakes to ever hide No possible way to forget Finally starting to accept this reality Know from heartache you'll never be free Because now I'm staring in this mirror With my reflection glaring back at me

Tell me..does it hurt? cause i need to know it's my final decision am forever letting you go tell me..how it's like? to be broken inside the pain you feel for how long you can hide tell me..how you feel? are you OK with the hurt is it fine to you to be treated like dirt tell me..do you regret it? the time we shared or you do miss the time when i really cared tell me..is it hard? to fake smile and pretend to cry your self to sleep whenever you remember that it was our end tell me..cause i know it hurts i have been through this before and whatever the pain you are feeling now baby,you do deserve so much more So Tell Me Now...Does It Hurt??

After all those times you beat me down Played cruelly with my head and heart All those times you laughed at my tears And tore me right the hell apart Well now it's good to finally say I'm now moving on with my life No longer willing to be a puppet Or get dragged into all your strife Finding out I'm so much stronger Than I ever would have believed Can't believe I stayed for so long All those times you made me bleed Now, walking outside in fresh air I can relax and enjoy the sun No longer worrying you're near On alert and getting ready to run Can't believe I used to love you Nothing but a waste of space And when you realize I've gone I'd kill to see expression on your face

Where once a beauty did reside A barren path remains Frozen fast as love denied Infused with sad refrains Upon the brink of cold abyss Consumed by visions of your kiss Upon the brink Upon the brink Faint echoes of the love I miss Where once a beauty did reside Wind carries lonely cries In darkness I am forced to hide Turn everything inside I long for you to rescue me Embrace this heart and set me free I long for you I long for you Restore the love that used to be Where once a beauty did reside Cold fingers tighten fast With all the bitter tears I've cried I'm sentenced to the past Time drifts away, leaves me behind You turned away, the void assigned Time drifts away Time drifts away In icy tomb I am enshrined

Fix you My heart has been broken Worse than anytime before The pain is overwhelming Too much for me to ignore It seems the more you love The further you have to fall I believed we had everything Then we went and lost it all I wanted for us to work I believed that we could So many mistakes we made It hurts more than it should I know that you suffered Losing your kids was the worst I could not make it better Even when I tried to put you first When your father died Another bruise on your heart It seems your life meant pain Right from the very start How could I possibly save you From 35 years of damaging distress Especially when your memories Meant anger and hate you did possess When you raised your hand to me I told myself that it was not your fault If only I had done more I thought I could have avoided the assault You spat in my face more than once To me that is worse then being hit You needed more than I could give I was finally forced to admit If I thought that my love alone Could bring you out of your past Then I would still be willing Because I wanted for us to last I reminisce about that night When we drunk vodka by the beach Starring up at the starry sky I felt that happiness was within reach We talked about everything As we sat on the grass facing each other I swear right at that moment I knew I would never love another My grey bear that you bought sleeps by my side To remind me of how much you use to care It does not matter to me that you broke it Just that you loved me enough to repair I know I have not always been true I learned from you how to cover myself with lies, I worried that you might leave me If I let you see past my disguise I knew that you were fragile And I feared that you might break In the end trying to protect you Meant I made more than one mistake It was not until I was in too deep That I realized I was making it worse I wanted to make it all better But I knew I could not reverse I started to live in fear of you Knowing that you could hurt me Terrified you might lash out This is not how I want it to be I don't know what to do anymore It seems like we cannot be together We wind each other up so much I cannot face this stormy weather I want to protect my child Avoiding stress is the only way Especially while I am pregnant I cannot go through this every day I have never experienced such anger As the times when I fought with you It seems no matter how much I tried There was nothing that I could do You pull me up on everything I never can do anything right I feel really downtrodden now I just do not have it in me to fight I wish I could take your pain away Kiss away all of your falling tears Take you in my arms at night And erase all of those painful years I use to pray that I could make a difference Be the one to fix your broken wings Show you the true meaning of love And all the happiness and joy it brings My shrink wanted me to write what I was feeling about my husband, so I wrote this on October 17, 2006 @ 11:23 PM.