Sweet Lil Wicked One's blog: "Please feel free to vent..."

... feel belittled, demeaned and embarassed that my very on Captain Sunshine shuns me away. It's always my fault for something. I'd call him a dick-- but let us be honest, dicks are useful.:P

Dangit, I've lost the papers for the ENT I'm going tomorrow to see. Short-term memory loss is the pitts. **cover your ears* FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK SHITSHITSHITSHIT *uncover you ears now* Enjoy each moment, we only get so many, never miss an opportunity to have an adventure, to love someone COMPLETELY. Don't settle for less when your true value is so incredibly more than you realize. Find THAT someone who knows just how amazing you are, and embrace LOVE. Find out who you are, and do it on purpose! ok Philosophy chick has just left the building.] Good night& be well, Ashleigh

Even when things get worse and you're trying to accept it, inevidibly something snatches the rug right out from under your unsteady feet. I only wanted meds for pain yesterday. I have an ear infection and it's a boil on the butt of humanity! Since all pain meds have to now be prescribed from my pain management Doc, I called, told them of the diagnosis of shingles and the ear infection. They were afraid the shingles had gone into my ear and I could lose hearing due to that. So I went to the pain doc, found out it's not shingles, but hives due to stress. Yay! Okay then why do i have stinging nerve pain going down my left side? It's due to nerve pain from the previous back injuries and head trauma. So, they gave me an Rx for when I need it for pain. I began to calm down. The newest MRI reposrt showed a "mass" in the sphenoid sinus behind my eye. I just knew that "tumor" would be in my diagnosis at some point of my life, but I didn't expect to hear it today--and that it was a sinus/ocular/brain tumor about 15mm. 15mm is like having the size of a quarter long and sphere-like...like the size of the jumbo gumballs you now pay 50 cents for in the candy machine. Going to the balance place tomorrow, then the sinus surgeon that saved my Daddy's life on Thursday. I'll be okay, I'll be just fine, It's gonna be all right, right? Please pray for me and my family as we go through all of this--if you pray. Warm embraces to family and friends, AShleigh

I know that I've seemed like an ill-willed person having the pity-party bigger than the New Year's party in New York when the ball drops, and for that If you're tired of my bitchin', well I don't know what to tell ya except: DON"T FUCKING READ IT! Sunday, Capt. Sunshine had added his BOSTON BAKED BEANS (candy coated peanuts) to his plain M&Ms and in one of the wake up sessions I had in the wee hours of the norning, I found his stash in the side bin in our redliner. I ate just a handfull of M&Ms, I ate one of thos farking boston baked beans. (I'm deathly allergic to peanuts). I slipped back off to sleep and woke up with a tongue 3x it's size/thickness, so large I couldn't hardly speak, much less swallow all that well. I was able to drink some benadryl liquid until my emergency call to the Doc , and the RX for the epi-pens(I'd obviously ran out)were picked up from the pharmacy. Captain Sunshine had the nerve to say, "you did this on purpose, Ashleigh! You're just seeking negative attention like a child." I said," well, that will teach me to stay away from candy. And had you not mixed the two candies, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place, you cold-hearted, hateful man. It was a genuine accident." I'm not sleeping well, or at all sometimes, though I feel like I've been 'rode hard and put up wet'... Guess what? I not only beat up my husband in the king size bed due to my night terrors and this sleep disorder, but I also talk in my sleep (shit, I hope I'm not spilling my secrets *eek*), I walk in my sleep as well, only to find that I fall in my sleep thus making head concussed. No one hears me fall or the screams and the whistles I try in order to get help(I whistle like a man). SO I wake up with a black and blue face or God-forbid--waking up with a HUMONGUS, squishy Fred Flintone type of BUMP on the back of my dad-gummed head. It is hard to wake all sunny and chipper when you are seeing double, dizzy as hell, and my boys need me for whatever reason, Sometimes Breakfast, Sometimes Dinner@ night, though the spousal unit doesn't do a terrible job, We just do things differently (and my way is better). I've been banished from the bed to the couch or recliner so he can sleep well and be prepared for a long, hot, dangerous day working with LIVE power lines. He is valuable in more ways than just being a provider for our home. I need him, our children need him, I just wish he were a lot more emotionally available for the kids and me. Plus I love him so deeply that my heart weeps fire just to feel his touch. Thank You for allowing me to vent, I know it was long-winded like a Baptist Preacher at a Tent Revival. Enjoy your days friends and family. xxoo Ashleigh Pardon the typos. :)

"It can't possibly get worse." Well, I'm living proof that it can. To top all the other ailments I've expressed emotion about in previous blogs, due to my waning health.... **Cover your ears, I'm gonna scream so hard that I'll probably develop laryngitis, and turn blurple from coughing.......** I HAVE A FUCKING EAR INFECTION AND SINUSITIS, ALONG WITH..... you won't believe it! I JUST DEVELOPED A LOVELY (BULLSHIT WORD-- IT'S HORRIBLE)CASE OF SHINGLES DOWN MY LEFT SIDE!!!!! As you can see, I feel just like Angelina here..pulling my hair out!! Damn it, I just can't cath a break...and Mayo Clinic has rejected me as a possible patient. They have a waiting list that is so long, they aren't adding anyone until probably 2 years from now. Seems like the [patients on the waiting list will be dead before they are treated. Once again, please feel free to just cover those ears, cause this is some seriously wicked cartoon style cursing: ***!@#$%^&*(*&^%$#@!!@#$%^&*(*&^%$#@!(*&^%$#@!@#$%^&*&^%$#@@@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!sylvester spitting:: rackinfrackinawwstupidsuccatashdumbhumanbeings Thank you for allowing me to vent. May your days be filled joy and may those who mistreat you have their crotches infested with the fleas of a thousand camels! I'm out...gonna go make a cocktail of pills. Love & happines & GOOD HEALTH to all who breeze by this blog. ~Ashleigh

pain and suffering in this world. and too much here at home.I just want to be free of it. I want my marriage to grow closer, I want to feel better so I can be the type of person I used to be--- not this woman of 36 years who feels like she'd rather die that endure the pain. That's selfish, but we are all a little selfish sometimes. There are too many positive reasons to keep breathing and enduring the pain. The people I love are my anchor. ANs the USS Ashleigh ain't going gently into the night. I'll just plug along and continue to pray and find my way toward health and peace..and possibly happiness will follow. ~Ashleigh

I live on a secluded farm of 70 acres. As if I weren't alienated from the natura;l world, there was a gate just put at the entrance to the property! I'm stir crazy! I just got new boots to wear during the day and night while I rest to help my foot pain to give me a break. I bet I paid a fortune for those damn uncomfortable things and they aren't evewn Jimmy Choos. My walker is worn slap out and I'm refusing to use a granny cane or wheelchair. I'm 36 and my body hates me. If I'm not swaying forward and back or side to side, I'm falling. I thought I was doing all right for what I have to deal with, but it occurred to me tonight that I don't have much quality of life. That's a dangerous revelation. My family and my closest friends sustain me, but I can't help feeling like I'm an emotional vampire. I hate being so damned needy. I miss sex and everything fun and pleasureable I used to do. Ok, I'm done with my pity-party; I'm off to swallow some xanax, klonopin, valium, benadryl, and anything else that will keep me out of pain, vertigo and something to make me sleep like the dead. I'd much rather be swallowing a cock. *pout* Sweet dreans my friends, Ashleigh

This year, I'm moving forward. I will no longer be dwelling in the past. So I got really BALLzy and called the man who molested me for nearly 5 years of my most formidible years of my life. Interesting how he didn't remember me until I told him that I was the youngest daughter of the Reed family and also new he'd mollested my oldest sister before I was born. Evertime I'd ask a question, he'd stammer or simply say, "I've done a lot of bad things in my life, but I've been saved and God has forgiven me. I am a spritual person. But I wasn't running up the phone bill to have a prayer meeting. I told him every sordid detail of the abuse that began in Sunday School and on to swimming parties in the creek. I told him of the triggers for my post traumatic stress disorder. He humbly said, "well I'm sorry for your troubles. I've loved you and your fsmily for such a long time. I told him that he wasn't allowed to love me. I told him because he told me I was beautiful and he loved me formed me into a promiscuous girl because I didn't know any other way to relate to a man. I told him if I saw him in heaven someday, I'll summom Michael the arch-angel of war to ripp him to shred and feed him like BAIT to the souls of hell. After all that, I told him-- I'm moving forward and I was turning him over to God, and asking God to help me forgive him, The forgiveness sets me, the former victim free. I feel much more at peace with myself. I will live one day at a time that's why they call it the present.

when you love someone... and they have bipolar disorder, It's hard not to walk on eggshells. The only high maintenance part of me (besides making my kitty purr)--is my heart-- I need to be reminded that I havevalue, and would love to hear hij say I love you, and at least-- give me a meaningful touch. I've not been one who has to have jewelry, or fancy things. Material things are nice, but the "just because I'm plum tickled with a bouquet of wild flowers picked from the side of the road. Captain Sunshine, however must have 2 boats, a motorcycle, a dirtbike, 2 other dirt bikes for the boys, and a toy/tool barn that'd bigger than my own house. When did I become invisible to my husband? It's not like I've been a sexual prude or anything-- I'm a cougar. He's still pushing me away. Most of y;all reading this will easily say--dump the jerk. But we have children and are bound to one another in so many different ways. I'm not asking him to change, however, I miss the old "us". Ok , I'm going to watch cable now. Couples out there in fubarland and in real life--keep your glass half full. Amd appreciate your significant others as well as family, because ** No one is promised tomorrow.** Soft smooches to anyone who reads this: and/or warm friendly embraces, ~Ashleigh

After some of the strangest, most tortuous and vile testing of my inner ear, we've found that out of the possible 200 pathologies, I have 3. I have NO Balance System. Both utricles of the inner ear are deficient. Ladies and Gentlemen ---- Stop the Presses! THERE IS A GENUINE DIZZY BLONDE --LOOSE IN FLORIDA! TALK ABOUT ONE-WOMAN ROLLERCOASTERS: SHE'S RIGHT HERE typing this silly blog. If you encounter a chat, message, IM or tryst with this particular blonde... she's insatiable and has no idea how many times she will be on top--spinning around your cock. Oh and did I mention she has a voracious desire to give oral pleasure? I'm the dizzy blonde....