This is where it ends…or is this where it begins? I don’t know anymore. I’ve always been the one with the answers to everything. Why can’t I solve my own issues?
I’ve had it all. I’ve lost it all, and now, my scruples are slowly scattering as well. Where do you turn when you don’t know where to look? How do you get started when you don’t know where you stopped?
"Everything’s gonna be alright." What is that supposed to help? I need direction. "You need God." Umm, sorry, but I’ll be damned on that one. Been there, done that. I need a break. Not like a relaxation break, but I need my lucky break. Everyone gets one, where’s mine? Did it already pass me by, back when I had it all and was too busy working to keep it to hear opportunity knocking?
I actually thought I had it when I found my dream job a couple of weeks ago. They worked me in at entry level, and I knew I had the BIG job in the bag. But, how about the position was eliminated almost as soon as it was created? Is this really going to be the story of my life? I joke it away. I make it sound better than it is, but what is it? I don’t know any more if I even have a purpose. All those bits of advice, all those things we hear growing up. "Follow your dreams. Dream big. A man is only as strong as the challenges he overcomes." Well, damn it, I should be a world-class bodybuilder by now. And, have I really overcome? "You’re still alive." And, what good does that do, pray tell… Truly, I’ve prayed, now tell me!
I wonder what good it is that I am still alive, daily. Though I wouldn’t take my own life, because I feel that’s the coward’s way out, it’s not to say it hasn’t crossed my mind. Why am I here? I have nothing to offer anymore. I call myself a proponent of karma, but where’s mine? I used to at least be able to see the big cheese that I was chasing. Now, I’m lucky to even have a picture of that cheese emblazoned upon my brain.
What I’m saying is not meant to be depressing, because that is SO not my style. I have done everything you are supposed to do when something tragic happens to you, and you lose things. Am I taking the steps in the wrong order? I have sent resumes to EVERY where, even Atlanta. At this point I don’t care if I have to live out of my truck in a new place. In fact, it doesn’t seem so bad right now.
"But you have a daughter, and you are all she has." Oh Jesus! You wanna go there, do ya? Honestly, I don’t want my daughter to grow up thinking that this is what there is, all there is. Obviously I’ve made mistakes and am now being forced to pay for them. She really wouldn’t be so bad off without me around. Yeah, it would devastate her, but no more than the fact that she’s never gonna see her father again. And, it would give her the coping skills I never acquired as a child. I’m learning that those are integral to getting anywhere and maintaining anything, including sanity. And, we come from a very large family, of whom many are willing to step up to the plate were I to be a goner. I think they expect it any day now anyway.
Why do I suddenly have rivers down my cheeks? I don’t need a savior. I don’t want a free ride. I just want a reason to be here, and not here, at the bottom. I mean, I want, I need a purpose to awaken every day. I want to be able to really enjoy the day. I am always so friggin happy-go-lucky, but deep down, this is it. I don’t ever show anyone what I am really feeling, that I really am vulnerable. Well, here’s my attempt at humility…
HELP, someone, please. I have NEVER asked before. In fact, I am a giver. I have given myself up and given up on myself. Obviously, in my attempt at putting out good karma, I was jaded by my own benevolence and chose the wrong recipients. None of them can help me now, and if they could, I wouldn’t ask.
"I am too proud, and I hate crying. I don’t want to cry. I don’t want anyone to think of me as anything other than what I portray to them. I am always smiling. I justify that with having been through so much. If I don’t smile, I’ll let it get to me." Well, it’s gotten to me, and I am toting it, but I fear it will load me down until I fall and cannot get up anymore.
"Aww, Brandi, it’s not that bad." Yes, it is. I cannot even pick my kid up from school today, because we would not make it back home. This will be the first year she has not played softball since she was old enough to start. I haven’t had the heart to tell her yet. I haven’t even received a paycheck from this stupid exhibitor job yet, because of some BS. And, yeah, I’ve sent resumes to things I’m not even qualified for, to things I am over-qualified for, and things that I should be perfect for. I have catered cover letters to every employer’s needs and interests. I have even practically begged for a job, a chance in many of them. I don’t care if I seem desperate to them anymore. I thought maybe that was a step in the right direction of my learning humility. As excited as I get when the phone rings in hopes of scheduling an interview, I cringe at the same time. Will I even be able to make it there? I just don’t have the gas in the truck. I guess I could go get food stamps or some kind of public aid, but that’s not how I was raised. "Every dollar spent is a dollar earned!" Plus, I might make it to the DFACS office, but I wouldn’t make it home.
So, what do ya do when you hit rock bottom and you realize it’s not the furthest you can slide down? I mean, I’ve even looked into joining the Navy…got real excited about it actually. I was outta the weight range, and the weight’s shedding. It just isn’t happening fast enough. Where do I go so I can stop scraping my face and clawing my hands up on these here rocks at the bottom?
