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Playing Make Believe

I have been trying to keep a positive outlook on life.  Smiling as much as I can, telling everyone that everything is fine, when it isn't.  And although I am getting better at it (which scares me) it's still lying.  It's still pretend.  Sure, people think I am in a better place and are somewhat more chatty than usual.  But what if the usual is once in every three months to begin with? That would mean the "more than usual" is once every two months....  

But then everything seems even worse than before.  Cause you're hurting inside and falling apart...but they don't know.  And unless you suddenly disappear or suddenly behave eratically...they wouldn't even think to ask how you are...how you REALLY are.

Even better is when nobody actually hangs out with you in person.  When you have to buy your friends drinks to get them to hang out with you...so you don't have to drink alone, which you fear would lead to your own end.

When you are so down into a downward spiral.... how do you get out of it without telling someone about it, without having someone there to lean on?

There honestly is so much rambling around in my brain right now...some that I want to put down here...and some I don't ever want to think again... but it's all so swirled and mixed together it's hard to think in a fluent manner...

Maybe I'm just a babbling idiot... maybe I'm just running out of options... maybe....

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