Chrissy in CT's blog: "On the edge....."

Sometimes it does a person wonders to put down on paper or type how they are feeling about life and things in general just so they can come back to it later and read it with "perspective". Lately there is a pervasive sadness about me that I can't seem to shake. Perhaps its just that I work insanely too many hours, perhaps its that I have nothing in my life besides this place, perhaps its because I am feeling taken advantage of from most of the people I know in my life, from my child, to the insane boss, friends and men. Perhaps its that I'm 45 and realizing that half my life is gone and I dont have much to show for it. Maybe I need to be in "It's a Wonderful Life" mode to realize that I'm important to some people in my life because lately I dont see or feel it. I go through my day making other's lives comfortable (I work in hospitality in case you don't know that) and I believe in my heart they appreciate what I do, but they also forget that I'm truly not "wonder woman" . I need to feel special to someone too. I dont think I've ever been so tired in my life. My spirit is drained and so is my heart. Tears come easy smiles are harder and harder to force. I wish that I could find something to fill my heart to make "me" feel secure and safe and loved. I been fighting the world on my own for so long I am not sure whether I could even allow someone to get close enough to me to trust that they would be there and stay for me. Yet I am so tired of being alone...maybe someday "the powers of the universe" will see me fit to be worthy to have someone special in my life who loves only me, who treats me with respect and honesty, who doesnt always put themselves first, who accepts me the way I am and who with affection and laughter fills my heart and soul with a joy only they can. Tall order I know...with out hope I'd be dead, without laughter I'd go insane...without love I am eternally sad, not to the world who I put a smiley face on for, but in the hours that everyone is asleep and the world is still...I cry and ache to be devoid of the solitude of my life. To be continued....