It is a real shame in this day and age that i should have to lock down a public profile because of certain individuals so interested in my life, and for reasons i cannot even fathom. As some may state it is what you have to deal with on sites like these...well yes i agree...But the individuals who are doing this arent doing this out of just basic curiosity...this is done out of down right drama seeking bullshit. So what i am thinking at this point is this...You want to know what is going on in my life so bad?...let me go ahead and tell you every last intimate detail of what has happened in the past month...and it is ugly...and when you are done reading this...i hope you feel good about yourself. In the past month...I have been diagnosed with "early cancer"....and have gone through my first treatment of it... And now will have to deal with this for the rest of my life ....The icing on the cake happened last week...i was diagnosed with diabetes, turns out i have been living with it undiagnosed for years...and have irreversible damage because of this. Had to be taken from work last week to the hospital because i crashed , to the point of going into diabetic shock...next step was diabetic coma...which we know are pretty much irreversible. my blood sugar when i reached the hospital was 32...my target is 115...needless to say i was incoherent and on my way to coma. because of this my muscles started seizing , hands closed and i was unable to move them, my legs and ankles were so distorted from the muscles spasms i could not walk. The worse of all of this is i have diabetic neuropathy , for those who do not know it is nerve damage caused by many things , including high levels of blood sugar , blood fat, low levels of insulin...and so on...since my crash last week i have lost some feeling in my fingers...mainly in my fingertips...i feel pressure but not much else..some pain if intense..i also have this in my feet..to the point of my feet becoming completely numb. The other end of this is the pain...out of know where i get intense pain...throughout my feet that stops me in my tracks. And with what i do for a living this is something that is causing a serious issue...i have had to drop my schedule down to half of what i used to work. I am facing the possibility of losing everything i have worked hard for. While in the hospital my muscle spasms and cramps were so intense they started effecting my heart...as we all know the heart is a muscle...the pain was so intense that i had to be medicated and sedated. I thought i was having a heart attack. Heart attack is a common issue with diabetes along with stroke.
I am daily trying to live my life as full as i can...i face anxiety so severe since all of this happened, that at times i cannot drive down the road out of fear i may have another episode while driving...Does this life sound fun to you? My circulation is so poor at this point that my hands and feet stay cold at all times. its rare if they warm up at all . Even when its warm i feel cold. Before i was diagnosed i had an inkling..due to diabetes running in my family , so i took it upon myself to take myself off of all sugar and eat properly...looks like i was too late...but because of me changing my diet so dramatically i am now dealing with such severe weight loss that i may be facing other issues that may lead to more complications. In two months i have dropped 4 sizes and 35 pounds...most of that drop happened in one month...i leveled for a brief moment...now im dropping again...and it is scaring the shit out of me...im not just losing fat, im losing muscle mass...im getting weaker by the day, i can no longer lift the things i lifted daily at work....Still with me?...still curious about me? The way i see it is this...YOU made a judgment call on me due to another's ramblings about me during a time period in which i was facing some serious shit in my life and was not acting myself due to changes in my health. We all tend to take things out on those closest to us when things fall apart...unknown to them , they only view it as a bad part of you...and i have no one to blame but myself, and i do...but for you...or should i say the two of you...You dont know me and one of you has never spoken a word to me...Do not judge me and call me names , yes he told me, when you know nothing about me. You made a judgment call from a he said she said issue..What is funny about this whole thing...I walked away..because i knew it was damaged beyond all repair...And i have not looked back...i have more serious things on my plate, to want to deal with this kind of drama, but yet the two of you cannot let go ....My question is why? I know im no longer a threat...So what is the deal? All i know is this...I am 40 years old and have Lived a very full life, full of some real bad shit...and at times some real good things...I want to spend what life i have left living it to the fullest i am capable of, i do not want to have to worry about whether or not someone is trying to stalk me out of insecurity on their end. I am tired of blocking people and having to deal with this...please move on to greener pastures..this pasture is no longer green. There is nothing here to see or know about.
Here is a song i listen to daily that is completely how i feel with all i live with daily now....ill even include the lyrics
Locked Away In A Cage
My Rage Has Got The Best Of Me
Time Finds A Way Each Day
Of Leaving Less Of Me Behind
I Find This Fight Must Be Won
Inside The Mind
So Uptight And Confined
Often Blinded By The Light
Taking It's Toll
On My System
Like Some Played Out Existence
Time Ticks Away
These Last Few Moments
Is There Anything
We've Left Unsaid?
I'm On A Quest
For Atonement
I've Got To Find Piece Of Mind
And A Place To Rest
Biding My Time
Until I'm Strong Enough
To Fight Back
Hope,
I Hope Against Hope
For Some Resistance
Been Taking It Out On My System
Rest-There's A Calm Before The Storm
And The Western Front Is Quiet
I've Got Rembrandt As My Right Hand
And Solo As My Pilot
Condemned Man
Condemned
Convicted Man
Convicted
Could Not Save My Life
Cutting Strand By Strand
Passing It Off
Like Some Kind Of King
You Don't Know Peace
'til You've Had Suffering
I've Suffered
All Of Your So Called Resolve
But You Haven't Tasted Pain
Have You Ever Been Inside
Of The New Masterpiece?
Rest
Have You Ever Been Inside?
Rembrandt As My Right Hand
And Solo As My Pilot
Have You Ever Been Inside
Of The New Masterpiece
Condemned Man
Condemned
Convicted Man
Convicted
Could Not Save My Life
Cutting Strand By Strand
Strand By
Strand By
Strand By Strand
Condemned
