First of all, I'd like to say, to all who visit me and take the time to even read my blogs(cuz trust me, there will be PLENTY)I hope no one get's a false impression of who I am because i spend so much time fussing...i DO have good things to write about too, it's just that this is about the only place besides my mind that i have to go to 'let it all out'...even if they NEVER get read, it makes me feel better just to get it off my chest... that would probably, i guess, just be that vastly large part of me that makes me HUMAN! you'll all discover in the future that my mother plays a LARGE role in making my day to day life MISERABLE... so bear with me and either read on or....not....I am NOT a tottally miserable person. there are sparks of happiness from time to time... unfortunately they're few and far between... i still, however, try to make the best out of every day that is given to me here.
what is the point of this blog you might be asking...last night we(me, my son, my boyfriend, and my mom) all went to church...YES, i go to church... if it weren't for God, i feel like i'd be alone in life...we had what we call our annual 'Harvest Fest', where everyone comes and we have a big bar-b-q and everyone brings something they made to go with it...after we all ate and visited, the Pastor got up(he's a WONDERFULLY funny little cajun man) and went to the podeum, and asked evryone, as he went around the room, what they had to be thankful for this season...well! i feel like i have ALOT to be thankful for this season...first of all, i'm still alive! i have been through ALOT of shit this last year or so(that's a whole other blog)and i'm VERY thankful that my nanie(my mom's sister) is still here...my nanie is a retired school teacher of 36 yrs. who is diabetic, has had kidney failure, and is on kidney dialysis, and has been through more shit in the last 6 yrs. that most people would have just given up on life for, but she get's up every day and takes life by the horns, and i have alot of respect and admiration for her for all of that...she just recently had a heart attack, and had to have triple by-pass surgery, and is staying with us so we can all take care of her... so i am VERY thankful that she is ok... when it got around to being my turn, i said that i was thankful for my nanie being ok(she is also the organist at our church, and everyone loves her to death)i was thankful to have my family, and thankful to have the ability to wake up everyday and smile in the face of adversity...my mother, who was sitting right next to me, never once opened her mouth to speak of her thanks, which should have been much the same as mine...that HER SISTER was still alive, and to have her family with her...me, my son, and my boyfriend, just moved back home to mamou, after having been gone about a year or so, my mom lived alone, next door to my nanie(this property and the 2 homes on it have belonged to our family for about 50 yrs.,so THIS is home for me) i am an only child, so were i not here, my mom would be ALONE, and would have to be doing all of this by herself...i don't know how she would have managed it all alone...taking care of my nanie, the house, work etc...ALL BY HERSELF...and you know, it just REALLY hurt my heart IMMENSLY, that she couldn't find it in herself to be thankful for even as little as having family here to help lighten the burden...then she get's up this morning to get ready to go to church for sunday service, and while we were still in the bedroom, had to reem my nanie about how LAZY and WORTHLESS my boyfriend and i are, because all we do is 'lay around and sleep, and watch t.v. all day!!! O-H M-Y G-O-D!!!! i get up EVERY DAY homeschool my son, clean house, do laundry for a family of five, cook, clean some more, while my boyfriend get's up, see's about my nanie, takes her to dialysis, so SHE CAN STAY ALIVE, comes back, sees about all of the animals, and ALL of the rest of the outside things that the men do... we, BY NO MEANS, lay around and sleep and watch t.v. all day!!! our lives have been put practically on hold, so we could be here to help where we are needed, and ALL OF IT appears to be so UNAPPRECIATED that i feel like i could just THROW-UP!!!! the ONLY one who seems to appreciate anything, as has been my whole life, is my poor ole' nanie, who at this point in her life, can't do much for herself at all right now....so today, i get to spend, as usual, feeling like i can't do anything right, or do ENOUGH period, to suit the likings of the people around me... i've just got to find it in myself somehow today, and many days forward, telling myself that I AM doing the best that i can, and just because that ONE person in my life can't EVER be satisfied, DOES NOT mean i'm worthless.... thanks for listening....
