I can't see my counselor for another 3 weeks because school is out.
It's a weird day. But not too out of the ordinary. It feels weird. I forgot to take my pill today. I ate a bunch of chocolate instead. lol. I think, well pretty sure I'll be moving out of my brother's house at the end of the month. That's exciting. I'll be closer to school, and I like the people I'm moving in with. ( not that I don't like the people who I live with now ) I think it will be really " good for me. ". As any excitement goes, it brings stress. Stress of moving everything, and adjusting to new people and a new envirement. Luckily, it sounds like Jason made arrangements for other people to move in so things will be ok here when I leave. He's a good ( good being an understatement. Especially realatively. The pun wasn't inteded, but appropriate. ) guy. I'm happy I don't have to live with him anymore though. lol.
Other "excitement " and stress. I think I really like this girl. I think she really likes me. I can't stop thinking about her, basically. I don't know the best thing to do from here. I don't know for sure exactly what her situation is. I don't know if she has a boyfriend or what. Some guy was cooking fried chicken over there yesterday. I don't know if he was just a friend or what. I have girls who are just friends cook for me sometimes. I'm overly obssessing over her. She hangs out at this one club every wednesday and saturday. She likes singing and dancing. I'm not into actually doing either of those. It's fun to watch though. I don't really like going to clubs. Maybe I could get my friends to go with me and meet her their though. It would probably be worth it.
It seems like I talk to people, and they tell me stuff I should do. Well, I allready know most, or all of this stuff people tell me. Even my counselor tells me stuff I already know. Even this updated firefox program tells me stuff I allready know. Like allready is really only spelled with one "L". But fuck them stupid spelling rules. Stupid red fucking underlines!!! So if I allready know this shit, why don't I do it ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ????????????????? I don't know. I'm not sure what the fuck is wrong with me.
Scared? Scared of what exactly?? Scared of scaring other people?? I don't think so here.
I also need to find somewhere to volunteer or something so I can do something procuctive and worthwhile with my time. It really wouldn't take much to find something more productive than lieing in bed all fucking day on the internet. So why do I not do shit all day? I don't fucking know. Tired? no, not mostly, just a little down from being depressed from laying around all day. Yeah, it's a vicious fucking cycle.
It's like I need someone to " hold my hand " and get me o do stuff, or help me out until I feel comfortable doing it on my own?. It seems so childish and stupid. I should be able to do stuff on my own. I don't know. I just don't know. It's so fucking frustrating. Want a number for how frustrating it is? count the number of times I use fuck, or it's derrivatives, and multiply that by 10,000,000, or so.
Meanwhile words that come to mind are - twitterpated, pineing, obsessed, enthrawled, crazy. What the fuck is wrong with me?
I think maybe I just go into " heat " around this time of the year. lol
