Pat and Kick Blog by Timmy RL Fake and Chairman of the Bored
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I have two awards to give out today. First, Nate, Katie, and Jennifer get today's Pat on the Back Award! You guys are the best friends anyone could have (most of the time) and last night's Beach Party at Poboy was kick ass due to you! Katie, thanks for the best birthday present I could have gotten. You have no idea how it raised my spirits. Nate, thanks for setting me up with great photo opportunities. Jennifer, you would have won the wet t-shirt contest had you stayed but I respect your leaving early to address more pressing needs. Glass Shadows

@ fubar Nate T R/L fake Executive Bored Director,and Enforcer @FarBeyondDriven

@ fubar Jennifer

@ fubar Now... a VERY big Kick in the Ass Award, to the socially inept group of 20 or so good catholics who left their church function down the street to join us last night, clad in their 1990's yuppy attire just for the hopes of seeing some skin. You made the crudest, most tasteless remarks ever heard in our respectable bar and then I'm sure got up today and went to your fake mass deal. I realize your average IQ must be below room temperature, so please allow me to explain - When I give a rebel yell in appreciation of a bikini contest, it's a welcome thing to the participants and they appreciate it. When you shout at a girl and in great detail explain to her what you want to do to part of her anatomy, describing your anatomy to her and go into detail about body fluids, it's not only unwelcome, it's harassment and socially deviant behavior. It's also disgusting to anyone else listening. And as far as your obnoxious comments to the regular bar patrons - you're not witty, sure as hell not tough, what you are is very lucky! You're lucky you didn't get your faces massaged by the parking lot pavement because no one wanted any trouble and are sympathetic to the plight of the mentally challenged. You're the most deprived maladjusted people I've ever seen in that bar, and that includes a couple drunks who soil their pants on occasion. Do you act like that in church too, because I'm the same person no matter where I am. But know what? Next time just let your wives come by themselves and I'll see if I can loosen them up some, that is if I don't puke first. I could vent all day on those idiots, but again, it was a nice party :)
I'm sure by now everyone has heard the story about the Texas high school girls basketball team on the winning end of a 100-0 game. All today's awards are given to people associated with that game. And the fact that everyone has heard about it is why I'm giving today's #1 Kick in the Ass Award to the press. You know what guys? LET IT GO! Go chase some politician in bed with hookers or something and stop humiliating kids! I seen THOUSANDS of basketball games at every level and every season there's a story like this in every community. The kids just want to forget so let everyone else forget it. You are the pricks of all pricks! The #2 Kick in the Ass goes to the coach of The Covenant School for running a full court press and shooting 3's. If you knew anything about basketball at all you would have called a time out after about 2 minutes of play and told your girls to back off. You're pathetic! Go apply for a job at a newspaper or ESPN. I'm giving the #1 Pat on the Back Award to the coach of the losing team from Dallas Academy, for seeking reasons to praise your girls, praising them for holding the other team to 12 4th quarter points, and for being there for them. You have perspective! I don't care if you haven't won a game in over 4 season. You are the person I want to coach my kids! The #2 Pat on the Back goes to the girls of Dallas Academy for not dwelling on the loss. Keep this attitude through life and you'll be alright! I'm sorry but the girls of Covenant don't get an award. You're just kids playing a game and listening to adult "leaders".
Today's Kick in the Ass goes to USAirways. I've used them more than any other airline over the past 20 years. I've got enough miles with them that I've gotten 3 first class upgrades. But yesterday we parted ways. Here's what happened. 5:30 AM, Thursday December 18th I woke up and started getting ready got a series of job interviews. I had gotten up at 5:00 Am for a job interview, was interviewed all day and then got to the Birmingham airport at 5PM for a 7 o'clock flight to head home. 7:00 PM An announcement was made that our plane would be 15 minutes late due to fog in Charlotte NC. 7:30 PM An announcement was made that our plane would be 30 minutes late due to fog in Charlotte NC. I felt a little sick from not eating. That’s ok, I’d be home in 6 hours. Maybe. 8:00 PM The plane departed Birmingham en route for an hour flight to Charlotte. 10:30 PM After circling Charlotte, the pilot announced, “Sorry folks! Charlotte is fogged in and we’re going to Columbia SC” 11:00 PM The plane landed in Columbia SC and the pilot announced, “I’m still trying to talk the airport into letting us get off the plane. Thank you for your patience!” You betcha! After all, where would we go anyway? 12:30 AM Friday December 19th, we were instructed to get o the plane and walk across the tarmac, into the terminal, “Where our bags would be brought to us…” This would be the last time we would hear or see any of the flight crew again. We walked about 300 yards across the tarmac to the terminal. 1:00 AM We searched the airport for any USAirways employee for some instruction on what would become of us. Someone finally cornered a USAirways employee at the ticketing counter. She told us, “Buses and taxis will drive you to Charlotte where you may get flights to your final destinations! But before I can let you on a bus, you MUST have your luggage.” I congratulated her on her choice of words, “final destinations”. After much complaining from what was now around 1000 stranded passengers from several planes unable to reach Charlotte, she told us our bags would be in baggage claim. 1:30 AM The baggage carousel finally puked up our bags and we ran upstairs to find a line of hundreds of people all in line at the USAirways counter where 1, yes ONE agent was glad to assist. 3:15 AM Another USAirways employee, a man in business attire arrived to help. He did not help with ticketing, he just told us things like, “Y’all, we’ll eventually get y’all home” Hey, thanks dude! 3:20 AM The guy in the suit announced, “Folks, I know this line is long and I know you’re all anxious to get home but good news! At 4:30 the USAir counter officially opens and there will be 3 more agents arriving to help!” Dude, you kick ASS! 4:29 AM Standing behind the USAir counter listening to the grumblings of what was still about 300 or so very angry travelers, and watching their watches, so they could begin assisting at EXACTLY 4:30 AM. 4:30 AM Three more USAir agents step to their posts behind the counter and begin ticketing the now arriving NON TICKETED CUSTOMERS, the folks that had slept in their own beds the night before, still leaving only one agent to assist the passengers such as myself, form the diverted flights of the night before. 6:00 AM I finally got my new ticket! I could get on the 10:00 AM flight to Charlotte, then the 11:30 AM to Pittsburgh. I thought, “OK, this sucks, but it could be worse. I was right.” 10:00 AM still in Columbia, a city I had not planned on visiting this trip. Attached to my gate, surprise, surprise, was no plane. I approached the USAir counter, now sore and sleepy, my 29th hour with no sleep. They told me the flight would be 30 minutes late, but should still get me to Charlotte in time to make my connection to Pittsburgh. 10:10 AM The announcement came over the PA - "Sorry folks! We're just waiting for a crew to arrive for this flight." 10:15 AM Again over the PA - "Attention, will the flight crew for flight 6901 please report to the gate." I looked over at the food court and saw a crew waiting in line to get coffee. Surely yhis was not our crew! 10:16 AM Again over the PA - "Attention, will the flight crew for flight 6901 please report to the gate." 10:17 AM Again over the PA - "Attention, will the flight crew for flight 6901 please report to the gate." And now that flight crew standing in line starts making their way over to us. People were outraged! They started yelling at them, "Oh GREAT! We're waiting for them to get their f*&king coffee!" Sure enough, that was our crew! 10:30 AM Boarding began of this “10 o’clock” flight. The usual announcement was made about boarding by zones to help speed up the process, but most of the people had been there in line all night and were as mad as I was and so everyone just flooded the door. USAir did nothing about this – they just grabbed the boarding pass of whoever came first. Then we had to walk outside and across about 200 yards of tarmac to the plane, which slowed things down. Then they had to stop the process while one guy had to be taken off the plane. On the plane we were greeted by comments from the flight crew such as, “Wow, such long faces! We realize some of you didn’t get much sleep last night, and we sympathize with you. You know, WE had a long day yesterday also! We’re only allowed to work a 15 hour shift according to law, but we worked 18. There’s nothing we can do about bad weather” Wow USAir, you know what? I couldn’t give a shit about your long day which ended in a hotel room. And I sure as shit do not need your sympathy. What I DEMAND is your empathy because you do not seem to appreciate how bad you are running things. Long story short, we were not in the air until 11:10 AM. 11:30 AM the plane reached the gate at Charlotte just as my Pittsburgh connection was leaving. Now I am getting very, very angry. I was directed to the USAirways Special Services desk. Getting there ahead of me were others who had lived through the Columbia fiasco. The man behind the desk grabbed my existing ticket and after going through a few screens handed me a ticket and said, “You’re on standby for the 1:00 PM flight to Pittsburgh” I said, “Standby? Is that the best you can do? I was part of the Columbia fiasco last night” He got mad and said, “Sir we can do nothing about the weather. You weren’t the only one who got rerouted” I said, “I understand that. I saw several planes and about 1000 unfortunate passengers. I do not have a problem with the decision made to not land in Charlotte last night. I DO have a problem with how you handled things after At that that. Our flight crew abandoned us, not giving us any direction on what to do after we were deplaned. Then a thousand of us stood in line all night. We did not sleep on the floor or in a chair. We held our luggage in line all freakin’ night. I was ticketed at 5:30 AM because there was only ONE agent at your counter.” At this point they got made at me and I moved on to the gate. At the gate I told the agent I had never been on standby and asked her how it worked. After she explained I said, “OK, well if I do get on this flight that will mean it took you 19 hours to get me from Birmingham AL to Pittsburgh PA.” By this time the USAirway staff had heard so many complaints that they stopped listening and she offered no reply. At 1:00 PM my name was called and I did get on board. With just a few more delays in the process, we touched down in Pittsburgh at 2:30 PM. So it did take them 19 hours to get me home. By the time I got home I could barely walk form being awake 35 hours, most of that time carrying tow pieces of luggage. Way to go USAirways! This is the first thing I'm posting in my anti-USAir internet campaign. I'll keep you posted as to how USAir responds.
Today's Pat on the back goes to Bob Stoops, a great coach who had always shown his commitment to his players. An incoming freshman player at Oklahoma was dismissed from the football team Friday by coach Bob Stoops after a video of him rapping about guns and shooting people appeared on the Internet. The dismissal of wide receiver Josh Jarboe came after the player appeared in a 74-second, profanity-laced video. “We are disappointed in this outcome, but our complete review and this final decision is in the best interest of our program,” Stoops said in a statement. “We outlined for Josh the expectations we had for him when he arrived and, unfortunately, those expectations have not been met. Josh needs to learn from this experience. We hope he can move forward in a positive manner.” Well said Bob! This is a lesson NFL owners will NEVER learn it seems - talent does not make you an asset, or indispensable!
Today's Pat on the back goes to a man for his efforts a week ago... MILWAUKEE - A Milwaukee man was accused of shooting his lawn mower because it wouldn't start. Keith Walendowski, 56, was charged with felony possession of a short-barreled shotgun or rifle and misdemeanor disorderly conduct while armed. According to the criminal complaint, Walendowski said he was angry because his Lawn Boy wouldn't start Wednesday morning. He told police quote, "I can do that, it's my lawn mower and my yard so I can shoot it if I want." A woman who lives at Walendowski's house reported the incident. She said he was intoxicated. Walendowski could face up to an $11,000 fine and six years and three months in prison if convicted. Now, I don't know about you, but I am sick and tired of fancy machines dictating our lives! A man pays good money for a mower and gas and he expects it to work when needed, damnit! I suppose the liberal nanby-pamby legal system wants us to just lay down and be mowed over ourselves! I think we need a national "Kick a Machine's Ass" day. Smash a food processor, run a car in a lake, and go all Office Space on a fax machine! That's how I feel, anyway.
Today's Kick in the Ass goes to the NFL. From ESPN - The NFL has hired experts to study game footage to determine whether players are displaying street-gang hand signals as part of their on-field celebrations, the Los Angeles Times reports. "There have been some suspected things we've seen," said Milt Ahlerich, the league's vice president of security, according to the Times' report. "When we see it, we quietly jump on it immediately, directly with the team and the player or employee involved to cease and desist. Period." This one is right up there with the satanic symbols on Proctor and Gamble products causing people to boycott them. All I can guess is that NFL execs eat, drink, and sleep in their boardroom and have not had sex since high school. Seriously, I don't even know where to begin, it's so ridiculous. One player raises a good point - with all the fraternity and other non-gang hand signs, coupled with the fact that no two gangs use the same sign, what would an "expert" opinion mean? What I am trying to figure, is if someone flips a hand sign to me and I don't have a clue what it means, what the hell does that hurt? Honestly, I could go on all night making fun of how utterly moronic this is, but I have to go somewhere and scream.
Today's Pat on the Back goes to the check out clerk at my little town's Convenient Mart. As I was checking out today there was an old man ahead of me paying for gas. He told her he owed "40 dollars and 16 cents". There are four pumps there. The clerk looked on the monitor and then asked him what pump he was using. He did not know, but continued trying to give her two twenties and a one. She looked again asked him one more if he was sure. This guy was about 90, mumbled as he spoke, and I made my mind up I would be careful and watch him get back in his car to leave. Finally the clerk smiled and said, "Oh I see. Sir, you do not owe $40.16. You pumped 4.016 gallons. You were looking at the wrong line. You only owe $16.26". He wasn't convinced, argued some more, until finally she was able to explain what the figures on the pump meant. I didn't mind waiting as she did so, because could you imagine him at some other gas station? The poor guy might go broke filling up every day. I did watch him get in his car and drive away. He seemed safe enough, so good for him!
Today's kick in the ass goes to Michigan's Head(case) Football coach Rich Rodriguez, who, with a federal court date looming on the horizon, went into his office former office at WVU and shredded current WVU players' training records, photographs, nearly all the files there. This after abandoning his team before their bowl game and forcing the school to hire lawyers to recover the $4 million buyout he owes them. Goooo Michigan!!!
Today's Kick in the Ass goes to an anonymous person, or asshat, who filed a claim against the federal government for of $3 quadrillion for over damage from the failure of levees and flood walls following Hurricane Katrina. For the sake of perspective: A mere $1 quadrillion would dwarf the U.S. gross domestic product, which was $13.2 trillion in 2007. A stack of one quadrillion pennies would reach Saturn. Or maybe this would be a better way to put it in perspective - compare that to $250. That's the amount FEMA gave residents of my area when in September 2004 Hurricane Ivan dumped 9 inches of rain in less than 24 hours. Nine inches is an unbelievable amount of water to come roaring thousands of feet down mountains and into already flooding streams. The result was the worst flash flooding in the history of the area. That's where the "impressive" numbers stop. Because unlike some other natural disasters that gained the attention of the world and the backing of disaster efforts and corporate moneys, "only" dozens were killed. "Only" hundreds of homes destroyed. "Only" thousands were displaced. The town I once lived in, Jacksonburg, was wiped off the map. The town was situated on the inside of a huge horseshoe bend in the creek. A temporary earth and culvert bridge had been put in place to allow work on the existing bridge. This became a dam as soon as the wave of water brought trees off the hills. Within minutes, dozens of homes were gone. These were homes built out of the 100 year flood plane, and no one ever imagined flood water could possibly reach them, including my aunt's home. How did people recover? Neighbors helped them out, mostly. The company me and some other residents worked for declined to help saying the numbers just weren't there. But at least not one opportunistic attorney got rich.
Todays Pat on the Ass goes to another local athlete, Nate Davis. Today Nate is playing quarterback for Ball State University in the International Bowl. I first met Nate when he played basketball against my stepson Joey school. When they were in 7th grade, Joey was an area star who looked like a high school player amongst kids, but Nate looked like a college player. He got to be great friends with Joey and my daughter Taylor as well. If ever a kid had a reason to be a primadonna, it was Nate. But he was always a gentleman, polite and humble to a fault. He overcame some obstacles that effected his grades in school so it's really nice to see him succeed in college!
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