Death may be a fact of life yes. And alot of people do believe that it comes in threes. But as far as I am concerned it is one of the worst parts of life there os. No matter how inevitable it maybe. And as for it comes in threes well this is nothing but a bunch of crap. So far in the past 4 months alone. Me and my fiance have lost 4 Family members alone. An uncle, Grandfather(his), but the wors loses of all was both of our fathers have just passed away within months apart. Both of our fathers were the greatest men that anyone could ever have asked to know. And yet both of them were riped away from us unfairly. I know that death is never fair and my dad did leave a rich fuffiling long life. But my father in law did have more time if only the doctors would not have failed him. And so here I am trying to hold it together for my fiances sake. Hoping I dont fall apart trying to hide all of my hurt, anger, frustration, and at the same time hurt and the feeling that I should have done more. I have that what if sndrome. What if we would have got them to the doctors sooner, what if we would have med them go, what if. I know my fiance/ husband can tell that there is something wrong. I keep getting paranoid thoughts that he is going to leave me or pass away on me. That he is going to wake up one day and think why am I with this ugly bitch and end up walking out on me. I know that this is not going to happen but at the same time it does not help out. We just had another family member put into the hospital. Another grandfather to us. And he is not doing to good. I am hoping and praying that everything will be okay. And yet at the same time waiting for the worse. But the porblem is I dont know how much more hearthach we can take. With the holidays so close. We are trying to be in good spirits for our kids. That are 10,6 and 3. But it is just so hard. And it is eating me up inside. Especially seeing the hurt on my husbands face knowing that I am helpless and can not help him out. I can not do anything to make him better other than to just be here for him. I am not typing this blog for comments or that really. Although advice would be nice. I guess I just needed someway to get some of this out and that is why I decided to type this. My husband also made one up on how to deal with death after his father passed away but before mine did. He didn't have anyone read it so I am not really expecting anyone to ead mine. Sometimes it just helps to type it out I guess. Oh well. Here is hoping for no more death and alot better of a new year.
