Okay, so you want to be a parent. I don't have any hangups on that. However, it must be warned to you that maybe you should take these 11 tests before thinking about having a "little bundle of joy" because I can tell you, it's pretty rough...
Car Test: Forget the RR, it's the station wagon for you. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment and leave it there. Then get a pencil and stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size tub on deep fried chips and mash them into the back seat followed up by running a rake along both sets of doors. Now after driving the sabotaged vehicle 130 000 miles with a second engine, try and trade it in.
Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy live giant squid and attempt to stuff it into a small net bag at all times making sure that all the arms stay inside.
Stink Test: Smear honey, peanut butter and soy sauce all over the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick and hermit crab behind the couch and leave both there for the entire summer.
Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug and fill it half way with water. Suspend it from the ceiling on a cord and start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the "mouth" of the jug whilst pretending it's a helicopter. Now dump part of the contents of the jug over your head and the rest on the floor.
Ingenuity Test: Take a tube of toilet paper and turn it into an Easter candle using only sticky tape and a piece of foil. Take and egg carton and make it into a happy rhino using only a pair of scissors and a pot of paint. Take a milk carton, and empty cereal box and a ping-pong ball to make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
Land-Mine Test: Get your partner to spread a giant box of Lego all over the house then put on a blindfold then endeavor to walk to the kitchen. Don't scream as this will wake up a child at night.
Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand then soak it thoroughly in water. At 3pm start waltzing and humming with the bag until 9pm. Lay down the bag and set the alarm for 10pm. Get up and pick up the bag and sing every song you know. Make up about a dozen more sing these until 4am then set the alarm for 5am. Get up and make breakfast doing this entire procedure for the next 5 years. Look happy during the time you are doing this.
Physical Test (for men): Go to your nearest chemist and set your wallet on the counter. Ask teh shop assistant to help herself. Now proceed to the nearest supermarket. Go to the office and arrange your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store and purchase a race guide. Go home and read it quietly. It will be the last time ever.
Physical Test (for women): Take a large bean bag and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for nine months. Now remove 10 beans from it. Try not to notice the large closet full of clothes you have since you won't be wearing any of them for a while.
Shopping Test: Borrow a couple of small animals such as goats, ferrets or Tasmanian devils and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in your sight, paying for anything they eat or damage.
Warn-Off Test: Find a couple who already have a small child and lecture them on how they can improve their method of bringing up the child including patience, discipline, table manners and toilet training. Enjoy the experience for the last time in order to have an opportunity to get all the answers.
If you complete the course, well done. Not pleasant, is it? Now you know what it really is like to have a baby. Adios.
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