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laura 772's blog: "pain"

created on 04/12/2007  |  http://fubar.com/pain/b73061

pain

i was just watching montel tryin to fall asleep since i been up for like 3 days straight and i busted in tears. it was about families that are over in war.and it all brought up pain that im feeling about my moms death.her death was unknowing and unexpected. the day i got the voicemail from my uncle(my moms brother lenny) and said she was life flighted to ruby memorial i morgantown cause they thought she was havin a stroke i was shocked,i called her cell and left a mssage sayin nothin was gonna happen to her that she'd be ok and that i loved her, but then when the dr called me and said she had suffered severe brain damage on the left side cuz she had, hada spontanious hypertension anorism,and there was nothing else possible for them to do to save her and that i hadta get there in person to give permission to take her off life support that moment i totaly lost it, and from that moment i might look and act strong on the outside but truthfully on the inside im just withering away to nothing. ive done stuff to try and numb the pain that i regret, sure it numbed it for a few hrs but then it all came back when my high was over.the truth of the matter is im a total wreck. i havnt ate or slept in like 4 days. since the day of the phone call i have lost over 10 lbs, not that i was huge b4 all this,but now im mabe like a buck 10 a buck 15 if that,im scared and pissed at the same time. we have been thru everything together,we helped each other thru the many yrs of dealing with my abusive father which after 28 yrs i find out aint my biological father, we vowed to never leave each others sides, to always be there for each other, and what still hurts to this day is that we werent talking, the last time i talked to my mom was on valentines day and she was pissed at me cuz i was at my exes house, an ex that hurt me emotionanly and physically and she had every righ to be pissed at me, she didnt want me to live a life like she did she wanted me to be safe and happy. i regret never calling her back, i regret being so fucking stuborn, i blame myself for her death, cuz i caused her alot of stress, and stress is what caused her anorism.im such a wreck without her emotionaly and physically, i just truthfully wanna be with her, i wanna tell her how fucking sorry i am and how much i love and miss her, and how i regret the choices that i made that i thought were correct. i could give a flying fuck about all the items and all the money ill be getting, i just want my mommy back R.I.P. mom im sure ill be seeing u soon 10-30-1957~ 3-6-2007
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