As some of you who know me might already know....my father has been very ill and battleing the end of a very long painfull fight with lung disease. He has been in the hospital for a month, a nursing home for 3 years. I have known for nearly a week he was going to pass, yet when I received that dreadfull call at 5:37 am this morning... my whole world fell apart.My father was only 57 years old. 57..how the fuck is that fair?!?!?!? What was go thinking?.. why must we all have to go through all of this right now?
He was a grandpa, a young one at that. My dad is gone , my children have to grow up without a grandpa. Thier grandpas on their father's side of the family are all non-existant and completley uninvolved.
I am not on the best of terms with my stepmom and her kids, time that has passed between my father and I and circumstnces reguarding our past and my present have driven a wedge between us. I want so badley to change this,.. i only pray that it is not to late. I love them all like they are blood. I want to continue to have a realtionship ith them, I want my children to be in thier lives and vice versa. I am terrified at the prospect of the future, a future that doesn't include them. Theyare the last link that i really have left to my father. I can't del with the fact or idea of them not being in my and my childrens lives.
I want to beinvoled in the preperations reguarding in his arrangements.. but i don't know if I even have the right to ask to do so. I am not his wife,... Iam not the one tha shred my life with him for 22 years. It is her right to make the decisions... I don't know where i even fit in. I am going through so my emotions, I'm realing.
I remeber my father as this strong alpha male. He was a biker, a fighter, a manly man. It as so hard to watch this big strong man's body slowly rob him of all things he was. But none of it could take away his spirit. He has and always been a very opiionated and sarcastic man, a lady charmer, an a softey when it came to his chidren and grandchildren and the others he allowed to be a part of his inner emotioal circle.
I never thought that at 29 i would be without this man. My daddy, i still have called him that all these years. I am daddy's little girl and always will be. I remeber riding on my fathers harley's gas tank as a little girl, and sitting in his lap watching the incredible hulk and wrestleing. I remeber when we were soo poor, and for a treat he used to make me butter an sugar sandwices on white bread. He used to brush my hair and feather it, and tell me i looked like Farrah Fawcet. He ade m a snoan nce... complete with male genetalia. That's just the kind of man he was. I was his shadow,... i idolized him. I used to sit for hours and watch him work on harley's and put togehter models of muscle cars. We always had some kind of hot rod muscle car and a pimped out blue van with a round bed in it.
He would take me foridesand floor it so I could feel the engine rumble.
I don't know how to move on without him, even though in the recent past..we haven'tbeensuper close... he was/is and always will be my daddy. I am thankfull he was there to walk me down the isle, to tech me how to ride a bike, and how to spit off te back patio to compete with my brothers. We caught frogs and fireflys togehter, he taught me to pray at night an to sing 99 bottles of beer on the wall. I remeber saterday morning trips to the Pantry, a local diner to get doughnuts and then off to Ben Fanklin's to get a toy of some sorts. I have all these things to take with me, and i should be gratfull. I am am, but i still cant help but feeling like i somehow got robbed. This was a man who had survived 3 very serious motoercycle wrecks, which he received numurous injuries including a broken back. He survived near death in a semi and car wreck. Why now.. why when i neeed him the most? I can't help but beig angry at god, I glad he went in peace.. and no longer has to suffer. But eve he wsn't ready. Some of his last words were "I'm not ready, I'm not ready to go."
I am not ready to let go... Daddy, I love you!
I love you.
gee i like to think of dead it means nearer because deeper
firmer since darker than little round water at one end of
the well it's too cool to be crooked and it's too firm
to be hard but it's sharp and thick and it loves, every
old thing falls in rosebugs and jackknives and kittens and
pennies they all sit there looking at each other having the
fastest time because they've never met before
dead's more even than how many ways of sitting on
your head your unnatural hair has in the morning
dead's clever too like POF goes the alarm off and the
little striker having the best time tickling away every-
body's brain so everybody just puts out their finger
and they stuff the poor thing all full of fingers
dead has a smile like the nicest man you've never met
who maybe winks at you in a streetcar and you pretend
you don't but really you do see and you are My how
glad he winked and hope he'll do it again
or if it talks about you somewhere behind your back it
makes your neck feel pleasant and stoopid and if
dead says may i have this one and was never intro-
duced you say Yes because you know you want it to
dance with you and it wants to and it can dance and
Whocares
dead's fine like hands do you see that water flowerpots
in windows but they live higher in their house than
you so that's all you see but you don't want to
dead's happy like the way underclothes All so differ-
ently solemn and inti and sitting on one string
dead never says my dear,Time for your musiclesson
and you like music and to have somebody play who
can but you know you never can and why have to?
dead's nice like a dance where you danced simple hours
and you take all your prickley-clothes off and squeeze-
into-largeness without one word and you lie still as
anything in largeness and this largeness begins to
give you,the dance all over again and you,feel all again
all over the way men you liked made you feel when they
touched you(but that's not all)because largeness tells
you so you can feel what you made,men feel when,you
touched,them
dead's sorry like a thistlefluff-thing which goes land-
ing away all by himself on somebody's roof or some-
thing where who-ever-heard-of-growing and nobody
expects you to anyway
dead says come with me he says(andwhyevernot)into
the round well and see the kitten and the penny and
the jackknife and the rosebug
and you say Sure you
say (like that) sure i'll come with you you say for i
like kittens i do and jackknives i do and pennies i do
and rosebugs i do
e.e.cummngs
