KiNkySLuTpUpPy's blog: "pain and punsihment"

Editor's note: Please bear in mind that the author is writing from a heterosexual male Dom/fem sub point of view. I have a simple fast rule - I don't tolerate people putting themselves down. That doesn't mean we can't have bad days, however to put one's self down demoralizes everyone who is around you. It calls into question their own ability to choose friends, lovers, etc. It calls upon their social expectations in who we accept within our sphere of socializing and friendship. Call me "nose in the air" but I have high standards for those I choose to be around, and to put oneself down in front of me is to question my ability to choose friends, lovers, etc. As I have already pointed out this does not apply to those bad hair days or life troubled days we all have. Nor does it mean I don't go out of my way to help those with low self-esteem. I simply put my foot down in the beginning and say "hey around me there is no reason to feel low nor will it be tolerated." We all have to accept that others will, without fail, think of you as better or worse than you really are. The point is that we all have a basic need to "fit-in" within our peer groups and unless your truly friendless - i.e.: you have NOONE you can talk to, chances are that these peers of yours think more highly of you than you do yourself. So how do we go about helping someone with a low self-esteem problem change it? While from here on out I will direct it mostly to the Dominants, submissives can also use these steps amongst yourselves - just adapt as necessary. Dominants - those submissives with low self-esteem got there because of others in their lives holding them back, destroying their personal strength, verbal abuse, feelings of inadequacy brought on by others. We have a decision to make - we can fulfill in them these feelings by being harsh, putting rules in front of them that we know they can't abide by all the time, and showing them our disappointment in how they function or submit to us. We can say things like "if you loved me you would do this." We can breed co-dependence in them quicker than an alcoholic or a wife beater can - and we can do that because after all, they love us and we're not abusing them - we're showing them love. The alternative and the one that I propose is one of building them up. To teach them independence, self-reliance and the ability to use their own strength. The benefits are enormous in these cases because the submission is deeper, fuller and based more on love, trust and acceptance of will instead of dependency of a stronger person. So how do we reinforce the positive while taking away the negative? These suggestions are based on my own experience in the lifestyle and have worked without fail except on an occasion where the person needed mental health provided by professionals. Do not accept or tolerate them putting themselves down. One important thing you can do is use a mind game they are already acquainted with. Guilt. I am not recommending the use of the "guilt trip" other than in this area. You guilt them into not putting themselves down. Comments and more importantly belief in statements such as "why would you doubt how I feel toward you?" "Are you saying that I have such low expectations that for me to say your beautiful is a lie?" These create guilt for that person and they feel guilty for letting you down.. A rule I use in my relationships with, not only melly, but friends as well: "I won't tolerate you putting yourself down." Such actions get my wrath, induce a lecture, corner time, corporal punishment, ignoring such actions/statements, etc, depending on the level of relationship we have. In time as the habit of putting oneself down is broken we can now start building them up with more productive and positive results. Making them repeat how beautiful they are to mirrors or to you while looking in your eyes. Putting them into situations that make them feel beautiful and high on the social ladder - dress up dinners, public displays of affection, simply holding hands while walking through the mall See what I am getting at? You first put a stop to their current habit and then build into them new ones. What else can we do? Never set them up for failure. Set realistic and easy goals at first. For example I so often see Dominants who will give their new submissive a list of 50 rules they have to abide by. They are setting the sub up for failure and by doing so destroying self-esteem no matter if that submissive is of high or low esteem. Start off easy, with just a couple of rules. Once those rules become HABIT, add a couple more. Does that mean you won't have them in trouble as often? Yes it does, too bad. Learn how to use the scene to incorporate those type of situations so that both of you can fulfill that "you were a bad girl" scenario in the safety of a scene that is role play. The short term effects are the same. But not the long term ones. * Long term effect: "I succeed in doing what pleases Master without correction." * Short term effect: "Damn that hurt so bad last night and he really sounded mad at me! I am glad it was just a scene though it felt so real." My point is that you build someone up by encouragement and motivation NOT by allowing them to disappoint you and fail. The last thing that I would suggest is this: When they do mess up and yes they will. Be harsh and stern as they need. Let them cry. Let them get over the guilt. And then go back to square one as if nothing ever happened. And try harder. The success of a submissive overcoming low self-esteem is the responsibility of that person who they put their trust and submission into. There are no exceptions. Also never allow anyone to speak down or bad about your submissive. If these occasions happen have the submissive see your reactions and how you handle it. Its where we get to be the knights on white horses they grew up believing still existed.

Many people in BDSM are involved in what is known as a polyamorous relationship. Many, however, do not. A polyamorous relationship is one in which there are more than 2 people involved. In such a relationship, all of those involved are aware of each other person who is involved and are agreeable to the relationship arrangements. It is very difficult to keep a poly relationship running smoothly, but it is possible. I am not sure why there are so many poly relationships in BDSM, but I have my thoughts on the subject. I think that many are drawn to BDSM because of the opportunity to have more than one partner. This is not neccessarily a bad thing, but it can be if the person is not truly a dominant or submissive. Some people seem to like poly relationships because they think they are less work and require less of an emotional comittment on their part. Unfortunately, that is not true and such an attitude dooms a poly to failure. With the number of poly relationships in BDSM, there is a misconception that the only way to live a "true" BDSM relationship is to live in a polygamous relationship. This is NOT true. There are just as many monogamous relationships in BDSM as there are poly. One must be completely honest with themselves about their preference for poly vs. monogamy and not allow themselves to be pushed into a relationship that they know is NOT for them. Do not think you can change another's person's mind when it comes to poly or monagomy, that is very difficult to do and most efforts will meet with failure. A BDSM relationship should be satisfying to everyone participating in it. These relationships are not cut and dried and are only what those involved make of them. There is no right or wrong way to run a BDSM relationship. So don't let someone tell you that polygamy is the only way to go, it is not. Do what you know is right for you, and you will be much happier with yourself, your relationship, and your life.

This is one topic in BDSM that seems to be the hardest one for newbies to grasp. It is often mistaken for discipline, but the two are indeed different. To put it simply, punishment is the consequences given to a submissive when the submissive breaks a rule, displeases the dominant, or in other ways does something wrong. Many people balk at the idea of punishment. It can be very difficult to accept as part of the relationship. I think the problem comes in when it is viewed as punishing an adult. As well, those involved in a BDSM relationship because of love, have a difficult time fathoming punishing the person they love so much. The easiest way, and readily understandable way, of explaining the role of punishment in BDSM is to liken it to the role of punishment in a parent child relationship. Now, I am NOT saying that submissives are children. What I am saying is that a parent's role is to teach the child right from wrong and at times punishment must be utilized to meet this end. The parent does this because they love their child and want them to grow up "right". In a BDSM relationship the dominant is in the role of teaching the submissive to please them in the right ways. Sometimes, punishment becomes necessary when the submissive breaks a rule or such. The dominant does it, not to belittle the submissive, but because he/she cares about the submissive and wants him/her to be the best they can be. In this way, punishment is a responsibility of the dominant. Knowing when to use punishment and when not to, is important. Over use of punishment can negatively affect the submissive and the relationship. Over use of punishment often results in the opposite reaction than the one which was desired from the submissive. Under use of punishment can result in a lack of respect for the dominant's rules and feelings of insecurity in the submissive. Such reactions, can cause the submissive to blatantly disobey the dominant in an attempt to force his/her hand. Punishment can serve many unintentional purposes. Each person has different reasons for preferring to include punishment as part of their relationship. For some people, punishment is a way to remind the submissive of his/her place by causing the submissive to directly feel the dominant's control over them. It can also provide an emotional release, not just for the submissive, but for the dominant as well. For some submissives, punishment is a cleansing, allowing them to forgive themselves for the mistake they made. If punishment is consistent, it can be a deterrent for unacceptable behavior. It can allow closure to the incident for both parties, allowing them to move on rather than dwell on the error and beat themselves up over it. It can increase the sense of security in the submissive by showing him/her that the dominant is willing to take the time to teach them, rather than just release them. For many it imparts a feeling of love and caring. Many people think punishment can only by physical. Spanking, caning, or other forms of corporal punishment. This is just NOT true. Often, non-physical punishments are the most effective. The point behind punishment is to teach the submissive a lesson and foster growth in them. Any punishment should fit the crime. If punishment is too severe, the result could be fear or resentment of the dominant. If it's too soft, it can create indifference to the dominant's rules. Punishment should not damage the submissive's self esteem, nor cause lasting injury. A submissive should always know what he/she is being punished for and any punishment should include a discussion of what was done, why it was wrong and how to avoid it in the future. In this way, the opportunity to learn from the experience is not lost. To some people, inflicting pain for punishment is considered the "easy" way out. I think that the kind of punishment used depends on the people involved and what would work best for that particular mistake. One option is to have the submissive write about the error, why it was wrong, what possibly caused it and what they can do to avoid repeating it. Another is the removal of privileges, such as ordering that the submissive can not masturbate without permission., removing computer time, or similar things. In some situations and for many submissives, just knowing that they have displeased the dominant is punishment enough. Many submissives are mentally harder on themselves when they have erred than the dominant ever could be. This can be utilized as a very effective way of constantly reminding the submissive to never repeat such a mistake. By denying closure, one leaves the guilt as a reminder. Some people use withdrawal as a way to punish. This one is tricky because it can spark emotional problems of abandonment in the submissive. This should be discussed before hand as a possibility before being used. For some people, if the infraction was severe enough, they might remove the submissive's collar until such time as the submissive earns it back. As you can see, the ways to punish vary greatly and with a bit of forethought a very effective means of non physical punishment can be thought of. When it comes to punishment, a misconception is that a submissive will purposely misbehave in order to be punished. For those who are truly submissive, this just is not true. Most submissives will not go out of their way to seek punishment because the mental and emotional toll a punishment takes is too high. It is alot easier to ask for a scene, than to earn a punishment. Most submissives fear or dread punishment, which is how it should be. They don't fear the dominant, just the punishment. You must find what works best for you and your relationship. What works for one relationship, may not be correct for yours. Like so many other things in BDSM there is no ONE way of doing this. It is a good idea to discuss punishments and your preferences of them during the negotiation phase of the relationship. Doing such can uncover any potential problems, and lets the submissive know what is expected of them and the consequences of misbehavior.