Ill try to keep this short, I know I can be a lil long winded sometimes, just get something in my head, an I go on an on.....
Well its lil after 6am an im still awake. normally that nothing new, since I work midnights and normally be getting home in the next 30/45mins. But I was off last night, slept some, watched tv an was on here...u know the normal stuff you cant do when u cant sleep.
At work I joke w/the ppl I work w/ that "im getting to old for this shit" is not the job I do that im getting to old for or what ever, it’s the working over night shit. Im not as young as I ues's to me (old country music song w/a line in it that says..."on the backside of 30 an knocking on 40s door) I im the process of working on getting a new job that will prob have me work afternoons, which is cool, that I can do. But im also (slowly) in the process of some life changes.
Life changes you ask? What are they? Well in a nut shell, it all happened about 28mths ago, w/the birth of my daughter. She the world to me but lately, for sometime now, I have been a lil lazy at doing things. What I mean is, she don’t live w/me, she lives w/her mother (my x) and theirs some fiction there (long story not going to go in to it) anyway, Due to reason only my X knows, I have to prove to the state that my daughter is mine. No its not that im not aknowging my daughter, cuz I am, believe me I am. And I am in her life as much as I can. Just don’t get to see her as much as id like to. Not that its my fault, it my X that picks an choice when she will allow me.
I have done some legal things but it take time, to much time that I feel like it is wasted cuz, my dau has no idea that she has a differt side of her life. My life an my family. My dau don’t know her grandma (my mom), or that she has a uncle/aunt an a cuzin(who is younger then her, but loves her just as much) that just loves her, plus the many other ppl im my family that have only seen pics of her.
Long story short, I have seen the “game” (lack of better word) of coming from a 1 parent family, an the trouble/stress/disappointment of not having a farther around. I don’t want the to happen again, I Don’t Want history to repeat it self. But it sucks cuz it feels like it heading that way, an im afriad. Also afraid that im not going to a good farther/dad. Sure I say all these things that ill do for her, an such. And I have always wanted to be a dad, but deep down im the most afraid I have ever been in my life.
If my gram’s was alive today she would 1st kick my ass, then kick my X’s ass for what she’s doing to me an her great-grand-dau. Gram’s was a tough old Irish bird, sad part she had ALS (alizermer’s) but when she was clear an was upset about something, she could put the fear of god in someone, I think that what I got from gram’s (thanks gram) .
Well I have ranted an raved enough an have prob bored anyone that is reading this, plz forgive me its just how I am when I get something in my head. When I get tired my mind just goes n to overdrive an I think/stress more about what’s going on.
