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| Subject: | Orgasms 101: Priming for the 'Big O' |
Orgasms are natural, so you’d think women would have no trouble experiencing one any time they wanted one… or two… or 10. Still, about 70% of women fake it at some point. What gives? Here are 10 tips to get to the “big O.” Plus, how much do you want it? Rate your sex drive with our quiz…
Maybe you’re too stressed out to enjoy a climax. Perhaps your partner’s not all that, ahem, stimulating.
Whatever the cause, it’s time to stop going through the motions and start getting the big payoff.
Here are 10 ways to help yourself have amazing orgasms:
1. Get out of your head
If you’ve got a negative tape loop running through your brain – Nice girls don’t… My thighs are too fat… I’ll be too loud – hit the Stop button! Self-criticism is a major passion squelcher.
If your guy is in bed with you, he’s not thinking about whether your thighs jiggle or your bum looks like orange peel. And nice girls do enjoy screaming orgasms, so release your inner vixen and let her have some fun.
2. Experiment... or not
Fur-lined handcuffs. Light spanking. Role play. There’s nothing wrong with (safely) pushing the sexual envelope. Then again, there’s nothing wrong with the tried and true.
Being adventurous doesn’t make you slutty. And being aroused by missionary-position sex doesn’t make you a prude. It just means you know what feels good to you. Which brings us to…
3. Love yourself
You can’t tell your partner what you like if you don’t know. So take your fingers for a walk and find out what makes you see stars. Hard and fast? Slow and soft? Experiment with different kinds of touch and different rhythms.
You learn about orgasms by having them with yourself,” says Betty Dodson, Ph.D., masturbation maven and author of Orgasms for Two (Three Rivers Press).
4. Find your G-spot... or not
The existence of the G-spot (named for German scientist Ernst Grafenberg, who first described it) is as hotly debated as the existence of extraterrestrials. Some sexperts believe this sensual real estate exists; others insist it’s sheer fantasy. Which camp do you fall into? That usually depends on whether you get orgasms from clitoral stimulation or vaginal penetration.
Where is this magic place? It’s behind the belly and pubic bone, about two inches inside your vagina. You can locate yours with fingers and some sex positions (being on top is one of the best). Just remember, the G-spot isn’t the holy grail of sex.
Click here to find your G-Spot.
“All women have this sensitive area,” assures sex researcher Beverly Whipple, Ph.D., co-author of The Science of Orgasm (Johns Hopkins University Press). “But not everyone likes it stimulated, just as not everyone likes when someone blows in their ear.”
Better Orgasms… Maybe
So why the fuss? Supposedly, a G-spot orgasm is the end-all, be-all of pleasure… which makes it all the more tantalizing.
In The Guide to Getting It On! (Goofy Foot Press, 2008), sex researcher Paul Joannides writes that feelings in the clitoris get to the brain via the pudendal nerve, and vaginal sensations (including the G-spot) are sent to the brain through the pelvic nerve. Because of this, stimulating both spots may lead to a more intense or “full” orgasm.
Levine agrees. Because the clitoris and the G-spot are different erogenous zones, “stimulating both is going to make for a more powerful orgasm for many women,” she says. Individually, clitoral orgasms are described as more “shallow” and vaginal orgasms as “deeper” or more intense, Levine says.
Mining for G-old
So, how can you find your G-spot? Experimentation, a healthy mindset and a little patience are the keys.
Most important: Get fully aroused, Levine says, because “the G-spot swells the more aroused a woman gets.” Full arousal differs for every woman: It may be five minutes into sexual activity… or 25.
5. All roads lead to ‘O’
There are many ways to reach orgasm. Some women can climax when their breasts are touched or when their necks are rubbed. Other lucky gals get there by fantasizing – without any touch at all. The point? Be adventurous when exploring sexual terrain. You never know what will send you over the edge.
“We’ve gotten into this mindset that there’s only one type of orgasm, and it’s from stimulating the clitoris,” Whipple says. “There are many other ways women can have orgasmic experiences.”
6. Tell ’em what you want
Once you’ve figured out what works for you, clue your partner in, too. Trust us; he wants to know. Especially if what gets you off bears no resemblance to what he thinks is working.
Most feigned orgasms are “mercy fakes,” says Chicago sex and relationship therapist Laura Berman, Ph.D., and author of Passion Prescription (Hyperion).
But if you let your partner think he’s making the grade when he’s falling short, he won’t do anything differently. And that leaves you, well, faking it.
How can you feel fireworks without trampling your partner’s ego?
Give soft and sultry directions, Berman says. In your sexiest voice, whisper “I go crazy when you ___.” Or simply take your partner’s fingers (or lips or tongue or penis) on a tour of your erogenous zones.
And let him know that you’re not always going to come, even if he’s doing everything right, Berman notes. It’ll ease the pressure and let you both enjoy the ride.
7. Give yourself a hand
Contrary to steamy Hollywood sex scenes, only 30% of women have orgasms through intercourse. So if you don’t buck like a bronco upon penetration, not to worry. There’s nothing wrong with you. Life doesn’t always imitate art.
Don’t be shy. Reach down and give yourself a helping hand during sex.
8. Full speed ahead with foreplay
Share this tidbit with your guy: Men can go from zero to orgasm in seven minutes, but women take as long as 20 to get warmed up. That’s why foreplay was invented.
It revs the engines, even if you’re not feeling frisky because the brain is a major sex organ. And if you’re mentally paying bills while your partner is looking for thrills, the only thing you’re likely to share is a sexless spat.
Redefine foreplay, Berman suggests. Let your hubby put the kids to bed while you unwind with a bath and candles. “Then [you’ll be] in a better place to respond sexually,” Berman notes.
9. Better than ibuprofen
For years women have used the ol’ dodge Not tonight, I’ve got a headache
. Turns out, we should’ve been saying the opposite. Orgasms trigger endorphins, those feel-good brain chemicals that improve mood and curb pain.
Check out In Pain? Have an Orgasm for more information.
Animal studies have shown that orgasms can be as potent as morphine in quelling headaches, menstrual cramps, even whiplash and arthritis.
True, the relief is short-lived (about eight minutes long), but orgasms aren’t toxic to your liver and they won’t upset your tummy like over-the-counter pain relievers can.
10. Get the blood flowing
Exercise is not only good for your heart, it’s good for your sex life. Running, walking, biking and other cardio gets blood moving everywhere – even down there. And the better the circulation, the better the titillation.
And don’t forget Kegels. It’s strength training for your pubococcygeus (or PC) muscles – the ones that hold up your vagina, anus, uterus, bladder and urethra.
“The stronger these muscles are, the more intense your orgasms will be,” Berman promises.
Don’t know how to work out your Kegels? Next time you pee, try stopping the flow. Those are your Kegel muscles. Just don’t make it a habit to do Kegels when you urinate, because stopping and starting the flow continuously can increase your risk for urinary tract infections.
Berman recommends doing 100 to 150 Kegel squeezes a day to keep them in sexy shape. You can do them anywhere, anytime (just not while peeing). Yoga, Pilates and other core-strengthening workouts also tone PC muscles.
How’s Your Sex Life?
For some of us, having regular sex is like breathing – we couldn’t live without it. Others don’t mind an occasional dry spell. Where do you stand on the nookie spectrum? Find out how much you want it with this libido quiz.
