Tiff's blog: "Operation: Discovering Myself"

It's been a month since I had written my previous article.

I'm still going though with the divoce. Sean (my ex) managed to take my son from me, on a technicality that I plan to correct.

I thought I was ready to throw myself out there in the world, maybe even date again.  I changed jobs in the last month and while I get some nice hours, it doesn't take my mind off my son or the hell I am being put through. Sean pretended to be my friend and care about me, and what not, and the day of court, he revealed who he truly was. A cold curel selfish being. I can't even bare to think of him as human.  I watched as he took my son away from me, treated me like some criminal. 

The days are harder now, I have no idea where to go from here. Everything I ever loved doing is tained and I just don't have the heart for it anymore. So I go to work, I come home and I sit at the computer, or watch TV. Stuck.  Still on that nasty roller coaster, afraid. Afraid that I will never be able to be normal again. 

I am not asking for sympathy, I don't want to be rebound girl either.  All I know is right now I need a friend and a direction to go in. If I could have that much, I would consider myself the luckiest person in the world.

It's been almost a month since he left. These past few weeks really got me thinking about, where I should go and what I should do. I also started thinking about how it all went wrong...

I mean, Sean (my ex) really lived a guys dream. Clean house, clean clothes, bills paid, happy kiddo, chores done. Without so much as lifiting a finger to do anything other than go to work, come home, eat dinner, and play video games all night. A decsion I had made to form this new life after much thought and advice from various friends and family.

See, it isn't that I don't want to work, the oposite in fact. I went to college to become a Pharmacy Technician, this was after taking a couple of years to decided what I wanted to do for work and researching job fields that were in high demand. I graduated from Florida Gulf Coast University at the top of my class, and right when I was about to schedule my licensing exams, *BOOM* Sean got orders to come to Fort Lewis. Which for me, put eveything on hold, because I would have to shell out 150 dollars for a new license had I passed the exams in Texas. To say the least, the job would have to wait. In the mean time I was contending with all the chaos involved in moving.  Speaking with my instructor, even she agreed it was best to wait, get established and once all was calm, schedule the test.  So I did.

So we get here, and its rough. The first 2 1/2 weeks we lived with his parents. I wanted to take time to make calls and study and get scheduled, he wanted wait and have fun with friends. He convinced me that we were not in a good place for me to work, we needed a permanat residnce, etc. So 2 1/2 weeks was spent hanging out with friends, shopping (which personally I wish we hadn't.), Non-stop acitivity left and right, without so much as a break.  

He was ignoring me a lot too. I'd wake up to find him already gone and off doing something. Fobbing off our 4 year old son on his parents or Grandparents. Or I would wake up to him angry with me because I was getting sick, since I wasn't used to Washington Climate, or change of air. I spent a lot of time with a stuffy nose and my allergies haiting me. Yet I was really exhausted. Well fucking DUH! We had only been here for a couple of weeks, what the hell did he think was going to happen? Anyway I did my best to keep up and appear healthy and happy.

So July 5th we get the house, and all of our stuff is coming off the truck, people underfoot, I'm putting together furniture while he lounges on the sofa drinking Mt Dew and playing Video Games. The movers, and I putting furniture where it needs to go. While he sat there, I watched him, not lift a finger or acknowledge our son, who by the way was wanting some attention.  I shook my head and decided to give him the life he wanted. A life of total nothing.  His only requirement was to go to work, and make sure I had the money to deal with the bills, at the same time I was job hunting for a entry level clerk somehwere. So that we had extra money.

So I did. It was fine up until the 19th when it all fell apart. Suddenly he wasn't happy, I was boring, I wasn't pretty enough, I don't do enough for the household. I'm a control freak, I don't let him do anything, which the first two weeks of being here was a total lie.

See that started because I asked him for some family time. 1 day of family time out of an entire week. Somehow no matter what I said, or how polite I was...the answer was still the same " I see you guys every day, why should I have to spend time with you."

I then pointed out how much I acutally do for the house and my plans to continue on, which then the come back was "Any idiot can maintain house and home and hold down a job, you're nothing special." Which despite being HALF true, it also really hurt that being his wife and putting up with a lot is considered "Nothing special."

Let me rewind 2 years back....

July of 2011 -- Sean's first deployment, I come home from a great day with Gabe and I see my skype box blaring at me. So I check it. Low and behold its our mutual close friend and his wife, trying to IM me. What I read would change me so dramatically. Sean and this guy thought to have a bi-curious moment which turned into an affair.  later on during that deployment Sean had slept with a few other people down there. I was beyond furious, but, then I was really heartbroken. The man I trusted, built a life with, had a son with. He lied to me, cheated on me and hurt me deeply. How in heaven and hell was I suppose to trust him again? I had no answers, except for Time. Perhaps if I stayed with him and over time, this too would heal....it was an uphill battle the whole way.

Fast Forward to Present Day...

2 years after it all, I did everything I could to re-establish trust in him. He did nothing to earn it, he did nothing to fix the problem. I worked with what I had. Time. Unfortuntately time did not heal this. I couldn't do it alone, and when I did try to express to Sean there was a problem, it was always the same answer "You just have to trust me, there is no finding a way, you just do it. We don't need a counselor, if you want one, you are just proving how weak you really are." 

Little did I know that on July 19th, would be the last time I ever had my family close to me. The last time that I would ever think about kissing my husband good night, the last time I would ever see him again and think to myself how lucky and happy I was.  July 19th is the beginning to an end. I'm 34, a little overweight, with a kid, a low paying job and struggling for the first time in my life to pick up the pieces and move forward.  I sit here today, in this moment...my heart aches, not because I miss him, but because I failed and in doing so realize how easy Sean had it, and how much harder I will have it.  See when Sean dragged my ass to Washington, I left behind friends and resources.  So here I am in Washington, no friends, and struggling. I hope to find friends, and I hope to find someone who understands me, sees how hard I work for eveyrthing that I have. I am an awesome mom, and an awesome woman and I know somehwere out there is a man who not only gets me, but would be willing to take a chance at happiness with me and my son Gabe.  Just whoever you are, please be careful. My heart is cracked and slightly damaged. There are pieces missing, but it is all that I have. Take great care with it and I will do the same for yours.