Once again, I'm amazed I've survived serious injury this long!
For those of you completely oblivious to my routine, self-destructive daily antics, let's just say I'm not the most graceful gauze pad in the first aid box. I seem to lack even the most rudimentary coordination for simple everyday activities.
Like the other day, for example… It was an average, ordinary, routine day…started innocently enough, as do they all. I was washing dishes while glancing at the television, a bit of "Home Ec" multitasking if you will. This would definitely not be a problem for most people, but for "Butterfingers Mc Stumbleoften", strange things were bound to happen.
I was routinely cleaning, washing, and setting aside dishes, completely oblivious to my impending kitchen cataclysm. My attention must have strayed for a moment, distracted by a random beer commercial with scantily clad boobies or a series of shiny moving objects…I seem have the attention span of a Wal-Mart hamster in a bathtub full of plastic spinney wheels…anyhow, I failed to realize I had dropped a metal fork into the disposal. I reached up and flicked on the switch, and like a drunken frat boy at Golden Girls-Gone-Wild Wet T-shirt contest, I was in for quite a surprise.
The sink erupted suddenly and violently with a barrage of noise and hellish commotion. It spit forth vile stank, refuse, and dangerous debris like Al Sharpton at an Imus Roast. The entire room was immediately filled with a bone shattering clanking and guttural bellowing drawn from an apparent heinous inner circle of Hades I had been previously unaware existed below my kitchen counter.
The correct response would have been to leap across and flip the switch off like any normal, quick-thinking human being. Instead, I froze solid in my tracks. I stood there horrified at my own stupidity, wide-eyed and blushing like an untucked cross dresser in a spring break bikini contest. The sink continued its onslaught, growling and mocking me as if basking in my apparent mild retardation.
Just as I came to my senses and attempted to reach the switch, I heard the sink burp and pause, as if to say, "Alright Goober, you've had enough". It then spit out a deadly wad of McGyver-esk shrapnel faster than a Paris Hilton spending spree. I quickly jumped out of the way, narrowly escaping an accidental nipple piercing. The gnarled up fork missile shot through the air and viciously impaled itself in the crown molding above (that's right, I said crown molding bitches).
I remained there for a moment, huddled in silence, reflecting on my near-death experience. I should have been giving thanks my skin and eyeballs were still unscathed. Instead, the first thought that entered my warped little mind was…
"I wonder if I can do that with a spoon…". And so it began…
For future Birthday or Christmas gift ideas, some new silverware would be nice.
