Honestly, it's hard to believe it's been one year. Exactly. To the day. One year. It feels like it's been so much longer, like I've been alone and aching forever. And like it was only yesterday at the sametime. It's the odd sense of time that only comes with greif and despair. A severe loss, half of myself torn from the world. My heart is missing a piece of itself, and it's a rip that will never heal. I'm not sure I'm even making sense at this point. Then again, I'm not sure I care about making sense to anyone except myself. Because this? This isn't for you. Really, it's not. This is for me, for my own sanity. If you read it, more power to you. I think I'm going to make this a letter to him, because I feel like I need to do this. Right after he passed, I wrote him every few days. But I stopped because, well, it hurt to much. And I knew I didn't have to write anything for him to hear me. I just had to talk. I know that's still true, but every now and then, you just need to put things down on to paper. Or into a computer, as the case might be. I want to get the words out of my soul and into the air. So, I did.
Dear Jason,
Hey sweetie. How's everything in the afterlife, is it all that they said it would be? I hope so. I like to think, that if you can't be here on Earth with us, at least you're happy and painfree. I know you suffered so much those last few months. I also know you would have suffered a lot longer if you could have stayed here. But that wasn't the plan for you. It's been a year now, to the day and it still aches like it was yesterday. I realize I'm suppose to take comfort in the fact you're not in pain and you're finally free. And that you're still with me in spirit, watching over me. But honestly, it's not the same if I can't hold you in my arms. If I can't feel your lips against mine anymore. It's all so hollow. It's all so fake, you know what I mean? Of course you do, you always understood me. Even when I didn't understand myself.
J.J.'s doing pretty good, I suppose. I think he'd be doing a million times better if you were still around to champion for him. I still spend time with him now and then, at least I get that much. He looks just like you, there's no denying it. And he acts like you too. As if he rules the world and everyone needs to bow down to him. Like he's a prince among theives. No one could say he's not your son. And if they tried? I'd kill them for you. Because you can't do it anymore. I guess Judy's trying her best? But let's face it, she's never been the greatest at all this. They haven't had their own place to live in months. At least you were always able to provide a roof. But with you watching over him, I know he'll grow up just fine. You wouldn't allow it to be any other way.
It's so hard to keep moving forward right now. Truthfully, I have to struggle just to climb out of bed in the morning, but I do it anyways. I promised you once, that I would never give up. No matter what happened, I would push to achieve my dreams. And I am. Maybe I'm not doing it as strongly or as steadily as before. I wont deny that I'm not shooting as high as I once did, that for now my dreams are mundane and tiny. For me though? They're perfect because they're still a challenge. And one day, I will shoot for the stars again. When I'm ready to look farther. I know you understand this. And fuck everyone who tries to judge me for it. You taught me to always stand up for myself. You taught me a lot, and I'll always remember those lessons. Doing so helps to keep you alive in my heart.
Some people have judged me for trying to move on so, in their opinion, quickly. But I haven't really. Oh I know I've seen people and dated someone, but it was superficial at best. I couldn't stop thinking about you and mostly, I was just trying to ease the pain a bit. It's hard to blame me for that. It doesn't matter what they think anyways, they know nothing about me. I show one face to the world, a girl whose strong and smart and at ease with herself. But we know the truth. Inside, I'm a quivering mess and I can hardly see straight. But I know better than to show my weakness to people, that only encourages them to walk all over me. Like you always said, keep your head up and a smile on your face through it all. That's what you always did. So that's what I do now.
I guess in a sense, this letter has no real purpose. I can't send it to you and I know you already know everything I've typed here. But I wanted to get it out of my head. I wanted it to be something valid and tangible. I want you to know how much I love you. How much I did love you. And how much I will always love you. It doesn't matter where I go in life or what I do. It doesn't matter how long it takes me to reach you again. I know that eventually, we'll be together again. Because you are my other half, my soulmate, the only thing that ever truly completed me. I wont forget you, so please don't forget me. I love you Jason.
Love Always,
Me
