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seattleite's blog: "WhatNext"

created on 04/01/2013  |  http://fubar.com/whatnext/b353516

One More Day

It's late and I sit here pondering. It's really all I ever do. With a very part-time job and school strictly online all I ever do is think and have way too much time to myself. Some would rather have it this way, plenty of time to do things. I don't have anything to do. I've reached out to people, old and new, and tried to befriend who I can. Not in a desperate way, but letting them know I'm here and I have free time and a ton of interests. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I have only a couple 'friends' here, but they are so busy or leashed up by their significant others there's really nothing I can do. Once a month hanging out is about it, and that usually includes them using me for my Costco membership or a ride somewhere. I don't know. I try to be a good friend but I feel as though I'm being walked on.

My job is an absolute joke. I've never been so unhappy in a job but dealt with it with a fake smile and looking toward the end of the day. I've always had more than one job and loved it. I was busy, I was active, and I was never at home. But my ADD kicks in now and I have to work twice as hard as the normal student to be able to accomplish my goals. I have a serious fear of public speaking so I choose to take my classes online. And frankly, I learn and study better at night so it makes it a lot easier this way. But again, 80% of the time I have too much spare time on my hands. I'd take another class, but they won't let me because of my schedule.

I feel as though I'm not doing everything I can. I know I'm capable of more. I know there is more to me than a part time job, some classes and a stay at home lifestyle. I used to be a band promoter. I loved it! I got to travel and help bands get their name out. The drama that came with the band lifestyle wasn't compatible with a relationship. How you might ask? Imagine someone saying "what does your girlfriend do?" "Well, she's a band promoter and merchandiser. She travels with bands across the country for months at a time and helps promote them." In their mind, "aka band whore/groupie". They don't care what your background is, they're just going to look at all the downsides of labeling a job choice. No I don't have a degree in marketing (yet) or merchandising, but honestly, it's really not that hard. It's easy to make someone else look better, what I'm finding out now is that it's hard to make yourself look good.

I've considered a serious life change. I thought about talking to a recruiter with the National Guard tomorrow. Only thing is that I'd be leaving EVERYTHING behind. I have a wonderful boyfriend and a lovely four legged family. I know that joining and doing my own thing would be considered selfish and I really doubt my relationship could withstand that. He's been great, better than anybody has before, but I need more in order to be happy. Unfortunately, my love of travel and lack of ability to settle down really hinders on having a family life. I spent my twenties traveling. I worked shitty jobs and lived in hotels at times but I loved it. I didn't have to rely on anyone but myself.

I've never really had friends though. I guess I have some cooties or something. Even when I was little everybody always left. I never befriended girls much because I hated the drama. The few girls that were in my life used me for my car or to watch their kids while they went out and partied. After I graduated, those friends disappeared and my desperate attempt for new ones came up. I lived in a military area, although my family was not the cities around me were. I befriended soldiers, who eventually left and I never heard from again. One big thing though, you never know if you actually have a friendship with a guy. Other guys will tell you that guys are waiting around for the girl to become single and that's the time they make their move. It makes me wonder about the few friends that I have back home. What are their intentions?

I feel guilty for even second guessing the intentions of my friends but I really don't know how else to look at it. I don't know what friendships are supposed to be like. If it's anything like tv, well then I'm no where close to that. I know relationships are no fairytale, that's a damn given. But what about friendships? What are they supposed to be like? How far from reality are they?

I guess it's time for me to wrap up. I never seek comments on my blog entries, I'm just getting things off my chest that I can't really say elsewhere. If you'd like to comment, feel free =) Goodnight.

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