THE POINT SYSTEM
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: "Make the woman happy." Do something that she likes and you get points. Do something that she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played!
Here's a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES:
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet paper roll when it's empty (0)
When the toilet paper roll is empty you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her Spring Fresh Extra-light Panty Liners with wings(+5)
... but return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
... and it's nothing (0)
... and it's something (+5)
... you pummel it with a six iron (+10)
... it's her father (-10)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS:
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
... named Tiffany (-4)
... Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
... Tiffany has implants (-8)
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly (+1)
When mingling, you introducer her as "the old ball and chain" and pat her on the rump (-5)
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she's attractive, you say "Yes, but nowhere as attractive as you."(+1)
... you say "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed." (-6)
... and the woman is her sister (-90)
You have one drink and that's it (0)
You have more than a few drinks and perform the tango with a poodle (-2)
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted (-18)
SATURDAY:
You go to the mall together (+3)
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car (+4)
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then go to a sports bar (-5)
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it (+3)
You spend the day shopping for furniture and nap on a sectional (-1)
You spend the day at the wholesale club buying in bulk (+3)
... most of it chips and beer (-6)
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den (+15)
... or refinishing the floors (+16)
... or rewiring the basement (+17)
... or adding a second floor (+18)
... or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket (-6)
... and you're tickled pink about it (-15)
You visit her parents (0)
You visit her parents and actually make conversation (+3)
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the TV (-3)
... and the TV is off (-6)
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear (-6)
... and you didn't even go to college (-10)
... and it's not your underwear (-15)
HER BIRTHDAY:
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
... okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
... and it's "all-you-can-eat" night (-3)
... and your face is painted is painted the colors of your favorite team(-10)
You go to a nice pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player, get up and sing (+4)
... if you stink (+2)
... if you're not half bad (+5)
... if you sing a Barry Manilow song and are escorted out to much applause (-2)
You give her a gift (0)
... it's a small appliance (-10)
... it's not a small appliance (+1)
... it's not chocolate (+2)
... it's something you'll be paying off for months (+30)
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day (-10)
... with her credit card (-30)
... and it's two sizes too big (-40)
THOUGHTFULNESS:
You forget her birthday completely (-120)
You forget your anniversary (-30)
You forget to pick her up at the bus station (-45)
... which is in Newark, New Jersey (-50)
... and the pouring rain completely dissolves her leg cast (-60)
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS:
Go out with a pal (-5)
... and the pal is happily married (-4)
... and the pal is frighteningly single (-7)
... and he drives a Mustang convertible (-10)
... with a personalized license plate "GR8 N BED" (-15)
You have a few beers (-9)
... and you miss curfew by an hour (-12)
... and you didn't call (-20)
You get home a 3 am (-30)
... smelling of booze and cheap cigars (-40)
... not wearing any pants (-50)
... is that a tattoo?!? (-200)
HER NIGHT OUT":
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friends from work (+5)
She goes out with her annoying friends from work and comes home late (+10)
... you wait up (+15)
She comes home late and drunk and you put her to bed (+20)
A NIGHT OUT TOGETHER:
You take her to a movie (+2)
... a movie she likes (+4)
... a movie you hate (+6)
... a movie you like (-6)
... it's called Death Cop 3 (-8)
... which features cyborgs having sex (-10)
... you lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
A NIGHT AT HOME:
You watch TV together (0)
You rent a movie (+2)
... it's "Sense and Sensibility" (+3)
... you stay awake throughout (+5)
... you fall asleep (-1)
... you fall asleep and drool (-2)
FLOWERS:
You buy her flowers only when it's expected (0)
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the heck of it (+20)
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself (+30)
... and she contracts Lyme disease (-25)
YOUR PHYSIQUE:
You develop a potbelly (-15)
... and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
... you resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-5)
FINANCES:
You spend a lot of money on something impractical (-5)
... something she can't use (-10)
... such as a motorized model airplane (-20)
... and she got a small appliance for her birthday (-40)
DRIVING:
You lost the directions on a trip (-4)
... and end up getting lost (-10)
... in a bad part of town (-15)
... and meet the locals up-close and personal (-25)
... and you know them (-60)
THE BIG QUESTION:
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
COMMUNICATION:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
... without looking at the TV (+10).
.. she realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-20)
