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ok so me and my ex got into an arguement yesterday and when i wrote my other blog i was totally pissed off cuz of something he had said and done...and i mean i guess now i can understand why he got mad at what i said too...that's what sucks about anger cuz things that are said come out the wrong way and they are taken the wrong way...seriously tho...i love my ex boyfriend...if i didn't love him then i wouldn't want him to be in my life...i wouldnt keep things around that remind me of him...at my desk at work the pictures he gave me for my b-day i have put up at my desk so when i'm just sitting there doing whatever i just look up and there is a pic of me and him...i turn around and i have the other pic of me and him...when i have to grab something from my overhead there is the flower he gave me when we first started dating...i seriously love being with him...i mean he is kinda goofy which is what i like but when he gets mad or starts acting mean sometimes i can deal with it but not always...i know i'm probably just retarded but i was considering on moving out of my parents house again (which i wasn't going to do cuz i was going to move with them which at one point i no longer wanted to do thinking that things would work out between me and my ex but now i don't know) i was thinking about moving out tho just so that way i could see him and not have to worry about a curfew or getting bitched at by my parents...and this way he could just come kick it at my place or stay the night if he wanted...but i mean he is an ex and i guess i shouldn't even consider that...and i don't kno why but the more i'm around him the more i care bout him and it bugs the hell out of me that he does talk to and look at other girls...that's where the jealousy comes in...i know i'm jealous but i try not to be...it's just something i cant help...if n e thing i stopped doing alot of the things i use to do out of respect for him...i stopped going to the bar...i stopped talkin to alot of my guy friends who i knew have been interested in me...sometimes he does make me feel like he cares about me but i don't get that feeling all the time...i don't kno tho cuz things seem not to be really going n e where cuz if n e thing we only hang out...we aren't a couple and in a way i feel like i should stop feeling this way and maybe just move on but then in a way i don't want to cuz i truely care about him...i have given up alot just so that way i could be there for him...i know it's bad and in a way i guess i'm being used...i don't kno...i mean now if i'm not at home or at work i'm at his house (but that's cuz he tells me he wants me there)...i try to go out of my way to do nice things for him even without him asking for it cuz i know it's nice to have someone do something nice for you...i guess what i'm getting at is that i love him but i know i can't make him love me so maybe i should just stop...if we aren't in a relationship then i should stop going out of my way...i should stop doing things to show him the respect i would show a boyfriend...i don't kno...i gave up a job offer to stay here and try to work shyt out but i'm thinking maybe i shouldn't have done that cuz i feel like im forcing things and well it's never going to work unless he wants it to and i guess there are times where i do and i dont but right now i don't really get the impression he wants it to...so like i said i don't know...i'm just so freakin confused if i should give up or just keep putting in lil effort and see what happens ¢¾ Maria ¢¾
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