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Chrissy in CT's blog: "On the edge....."

created on 11/17/2006  |  http://fubar.com/on-the-edge/b25542
As i wake up today and look in the mirror at the extra pair of luggage i seem to be carrying under my eyes from lack of good sleep I wonder what cruel little surprise my 40+ body has in store for me next. It seemed that on my 40th birthday the process started of my face sliding off the bone of my skull giving me the slight resemblance of the dog in Dukes of Hazzard to the decided drop in a few other strategic places that were once perky and ready to face the world. The gray hairs come in faster than Clairol can keep up with and naps in the afternoon that I used to make fun of my mother for taking are something i would pay good money to be able to do in peace. What does it all MEAN??? Means I am not immortal like in Greek Mythology afterall. Somebody lied...lol! How quickly you get here and how fast it all flies by. Are you ready for it? I used to get hit on by older men who worried that I would get pregnant and they would end up paying child support. Now I get hit on by 28 year olds who know that aint gonna happen and somehow think I know some miraculous sexual trick that everyone else doesnt. (Psst I do but I aint tellin!) And its not just who hits on me its who disses me too!!! The gents my age are more interested in going to bed to SLEEP than anything else (and honestly if i hear one more ex-wife took me for everything story I'll gack...get over it already)...the younger ones want a relationship and kids. No can do here, least the kid part - physically impossible. Someone changed the rules and the playing field without telling me!!!lol I had a conversation with a young friend last night about adaptation and change. How in life we are forever reinventing ourselves and evolving into the person we in part choose to be... and our meant to be. Honestly...as I face the down slide to 50 am happier with me than ever. When my boobs hit my ankles I'll wrap them around them to keep my feet warm and when my face wrinkles and drops I'll be proud of every furrow. I've survived with a sense of humor, pride and intellect. I've faced my obstacles and sorrows...with head up. Ever forward. I've loved life and my friends and family with every fiber of my being. My hair may turn gray but my heart is still young. So fuck it ....bring on the next decade with speed and show me what ya got mother nature cuz I'm ready and I refuse to be an old fart. I'm gonna be the most "WOW" 50 something woman anyone knows. But just in case anyone know a good plastic surgeon???lol (j/k)

Did you ever know hate?

I dont think i ever have till now. Anyone who is my close friend knows of my situation. Thursday is eviction court day with the old asshole ex boss/landlord. Last Wed he illegally turned off my electric, now is using friends to try to intimidate me by threatening to press whatever charges he think he can trump up against me. Trust me I've done nothing but scare the fucker cuz its him in fact who is going down not me. What irritates me more is the power that i seem to give this man. Everytime i hear a threat, he does some insane thing (ie the electric shut off - which was illegal itself, sending cops to my door for supposedly selling rooms to his roach motel etc etc.) it sets me off in a tailspin of anxiety and frustration and fear. Hate is such a strong word but for the first time in my life i find myself using it in reference to this man. I want him to hurt the way i do. Struggle and worry over things, do without and wonder where he is gonna be next month, next week...tomorrow even. I want him to be humbled before all the people he has had the nerve to call "white trash" and learn what it is to have to ask someone for help to get food or a place to stay. I want him to loose all the trappings of wealth he has used so many others, lied to all and cheated to get. I want him to wonder how it is that this woman who has nothing has taken me down to this level? What powers does she have? I don't really have any...other than integrity, honesty, a giving heart. The capacity for compassion and love. To care more about others than i do even myself. Humility and wisdom and unselfishness. I tried for 18 mos to impart these things on this person to no avail. As an "old soul" we are oft times called into battle against people such as this man. The are drawn to goodness and light because they have no capacity for it within themselves. They try to suck every ounce of energy they can from you to use in their pathetic ends. Let me tell you this "old soul" is unlike any other he has ever met and he has pissed her off. If it's the last thing I ever do on this earth this man shall be humbled. I cannot allow him to go on hurting people time after time. Degrading them with his verbal abuse and intimidating both women and old people alike. What a huge man he is. I think not. He is a coward and a pussy and lower than the people he deems to be "trash". Everyone knows i don't have anything...not of material value. What the hell do i have to loose in this battle? As i see it it not a goddamn thing. The ability to stand up for what is right and what you believe is sometimes a hard path to follow but its the only way to be. To be continued...........

Survival

Without going into to much detail of the events of my life in the last week I just feel the need to write. To unload some of the emotion and fear and angst of the whole situation. I have tried to do the right thing in this situation and in the process as often happens have compromised my income, place to live and safety. Why is it that the good people of the world who are honest and true have to suffer for the crooks, dishonest and evil. I know in my heart of hearts that i will find my way as i have for all of my life but when you are in the middle of such drama its hard to see that place of calm in the future ahead. Survival. Some know what im talking about. It means washing clothes in your sink when you have no money to go to laundry. It means rationing food, gas, money so that you can optimize its use. It means that the first things to go are the cable and cell phone and car insurance when you have to figure a way to eat. It means calling every SS organization in the county for resources. Pride has no place in survival you do what you have to do. It means deciding what you can and cant live without amongst your things. It means giving up people in your life for their own protection or good even if they dont understand it. It means never loosing hope even when your despair reduces you to tears on an hourly basis. It means having faith and trust in people and the powers that be who guide your life. It means standing alone sometimes against the world. The hardest part of the day is at night. The quiet and darkness surround you like a tomb of loneliness. Fear of the unknown, anxiety and trepidation creep into your soul. This past week my soul cried out for release to be relinquished from the torment of this life. It was very near giving up. But...certain friends with huge hearts of forgiveness and light and love replenished it with support and encouragement and just as in the past after being beaten down with each day that passes by my soul gets a lil stronger each day. Anyone here who knows the struggle, the fight to survive and needs a word of encouragement please contact me. Things are so hard everywhere. I dont have many resources but wisdom and honesty. Those i can share freely. So what am i gonna do? No job, being evicted all kinds of shit going on? I am gonna trust that as in the past life will go on. That something good waits down the road for me. That love and kindness still do exist and that honesty and integrity above all do exist and are respected by some. I know i will never have much materially, will not rival Ivana Trump thats for sure. I will no doubt die with not much of anything of worth in the literal sense. But I'm richest in love and truth and caring. Tomorrow is another day to relish in and be thankful to survive. Updates to follow....
I havent blogged for a long time been so up to my ears in the day to day shit that has consumed my life here as "manager" of this establishment i call home. I love this place...being by the salt water...the people...tenants and guests and the neighborhood and ambience of this navy town. What i dont love is my tyrannical, crazy, cokehead boss. This past week was telling for me. I woke up Monday not wanting to go to work...and I didnt. I called in sick. For the past year I've worked 60 hrs a week and been only paid for 40. I get a free room at the inn to share with my 17 year old son and cat. No privacy. Then I spend countless hours on my only day off...Sunday..showing this man's empty and available apartment houses. All for $10/hr...net $321.47 a week. I am verbally abused on a regular basis..(You fucking piece of shit this, fucking bitch that), accused of stealing his money/property or whatever it is that week he feels he can threaten me with. I could go on and on the stories are endless of the abusive language, treatment and cruelty he has pervaded not only on me but other employees, tenants and the like as well. The countless laws he breaks, the lies he tells and the manipulative behavior. Its taken its toll. Tuesday morning i awoke in tears. Unstoppable after a night of yet again waking up with anxiety, chest pain, shortness of breath. I just could not imagine another day. So i called United Community and Family Services. No matter i have no insurance it did not matter this day. I spoke to the emergency on call person. Concerned at my obvious angst and upset and no doubt worried about what i might do because of this they insisted on seeing me that day. Have any of you ever been so distraught that you cannot stop crying? This was me this day. I spoke at length with them of my anxiety and troubles here with this crazy man. I felt a little better after unloading some of it but it still wasnt enough. I managed to get through Wed/Thurs having scheduled yet another counselling session for friday morning. I met my therapist Maureen for the first time. We talked of all that has been going on and as i said 1 hour could not even begin to expound on all the shit ive endured, seen and listened to for the past 14 months. She is from Ireland and in a thick Irish brogue said to me point blank "Christina...why are you still there?" I had to think about it hard and i said I'm not sure. Part of me is here as a buffer between the people i care about and this nut who owns the properties they live in. Part of me truly cares whether they are ok, have heat and electricity (he doesnt...all he cares about is his $$$). I said I feel like if i leave them im leaving them to the "wolves". Intellectually I know this is not my property, they are not my tenants, this is of course not my money and why should i care? Maybe its because I'm the only one who does? At 45 I have no bills, no car payment, just a cell phone and car insurance to pay. Yet I'm subjected to the barrage of bill collectors and wolves nipping at his/my heels over the money this man owes to so many. I wake up at night wondering how i am gonna buy oil for the property or propane or keep the lights on. Am i crazy? So I leave counselling on Friday and who calls yet again but "John" asking me if I'm gonna die (I told him i was going to doctor). I said no not yet. After a brief conversation, i had had enough and said look you have my two weeks notice. I cannot do this anymore. Several days prior i spoke to his lawyer about leaving. Anyone who leaves my boss is accused of stealing, harrassed on the phone, scurred around town and just generally badgered. He said "John doesnt take divorce well". I said well i am not his wife. So of course now that ive given notice there is amazingly $10k missing or so he says. He threatened me with calling Det. Bavosi of the state police...the cop who is investigating him for arson? Then goes gets on his phone in his van and no 10 mins later is hugging me telling me I'm like a sister to him. He thinks i have a job in Florida which i tell him i dont. I have no job at all to go to. I am going to Maryland to see my uncle who is about to die. He says well ill lay you off then you can collect unemployment?!?! As you can see the constant mood changes are daunting enough to deal with. The point of all this musing here is to say this one thing. I was asked if i was gonna hurt myself by my therapist. I said no ...not in the traditional way. I am not gonna cut my wrists, take a bottle of pills or put a gun to my head. But each day i walk into that office and deal with the crap i deal with i am "hurting" myself. I die a little each time I'm abused verbally or emotionally. So I'm done with it. Abusive relationships can happen not only in a love relationship but in a working environment also. Dont let it happen to you. Contact a healthcare professional, your states Department of Labor, the Commission on Human Rights and anyone else who will listen to you including an attorney. Check out these sites as well.... http://workplacebullyinglaw.org/states/legis-ct2.html http://www.law.com/jsp/article.jsp?id=1176455053664 http://workplacebullyinglaw.org/index.html And me....I gave two weeks notice am out of the Thames Inn by 4/22 or else. Where to? I dunno yet....any suggestions? I love you all! Chrissy

old soul

Are You an 'Old Soul ? ? The particular life challenges and destined events that are the hallmark of being an old soul... If you're an old soul you will undoubtedly be giving, caring loving and compassionate - all wonderful attributes that we are taught are the signs of a developed person who cares for others, and the actions that we take that may affect others. The key signs of an old soul · Giving and caring often putting others first · Had a difficult romantic life often with much pain and disappointment · More than likely had a soulmate relationship · Things just seem to happen to you and around you,often becoming very dramatic through the seemingly extreme reactions of others · Events repeat themselves · Have trouble connecting with your family · Somehow know you're different · Have some psychic intuition and 'just knowing'things · Find that you have deeper emotions and passions than most people · People have extreme reactions to you - some just adore you and some seem to really dislike you yet you behave the same to everyone · Have an inner creative passion · Suffer lots of jealousy · Often perceived wrongly · Feel your don't have much free will, like your life is being controlled by some outside force · Often feel 'stuck' like events just keep on happening to you time after time All of us can relate to some of these characteristics and events at some time in our lives however the 'old souls' amongst us will shout "Yes that's me !" and immediately understand and relate. In contrast, we have all met the 'young souls' the ones who profess to be giving and caring and often seem to seek us out, but who never really give, just take, and who then commit the most insensitive and often cruel acts but seem to have no understanding of what they've done or any sign of remorse whatsoever. In fact they can often go to such extremes to get very aggressive when we point out their actions and the effect that they've had on us.. Soul Age The terms 'old soul' and 'young soul' aren't just descriptions of personality types but do give us a meaningful clue to why we find ourselves in this life cycle… The journey of the soul through many lives is one of growth and learning from the earliest manifestation of that soul in human form - where it's focused on material things, power, ego and the "now", eventually through to the higher levels of compassion, truth, destiny, caring and fairness in later lives as old souls. The soul is required to visit human form many times in order to learn these lessons. It is through interaction with others on the three dimensional plane that the soul accrues karma, the results of its actions on others and paying the price of those actions ( first rule of karma "what goes around comes around" - or what I often refer to as the 'karmic boomerang') that develops, hones, and tunes the spirit into the higher levels, eventually becoming attuned to the highest level of as 'old soul' in later lives. Part of that developing process is to become infinitely more empathic, attuned to the universe and destiny, and for our intuition to develop more towards psychic powers. At this stage we sense that destiny plays a greater part in our lives that we could previously have imagined as we 'peek behind the scenes' of the universal mechanisms through our developing intuition. This itself is also a challenge as we watch those less enlightened who are still contained in the "I know best" mode, mess up their lives going wandering down the wrong path. Typical of this is the soulmate where we are tasked to watch them wander off knowing somehow that the tests they will face will ultimately bring them back around, older, wiser and more spiritually aware. It's important to understand that each time our soul revisits the earthly plane, that we play 'catch-up', developing through our earthly actions and learning experiences quickly to regain that level of spiritual awareness we attained when leaving the previous life. In other words, in entering this life we are initially unconscious of the fact that we are required to have a very testing life to 'fast track' us to the spiritual level we are meant to be at in this one. So the older the soul, the harder and more testing the early events in order to make us reach inside and spiritually open to regain previously achieved levels of spirituality and to further develop.. 'Soul age' with Soulmates I've already mentioned that we have all had to deal with the 'young souls', the ones who seem sent to test us and can often leave us feeling dazed and confused and hurt. At this point I have to highlight something that's particularly important and relevant to soulmates. Your soulmate is unlikely to be a young soul even though their actions to-date may fit what we've described as a young soul. We get terribly confused when we sense they are loving and caring and deep and spiritually enlightened yet they frequently behave in the totally opposite way The important difference between a soulmate and a young soul is that the universe does not connect young souls with old souls in soulmate connections. What your soulmate is most likely going through is the life tests on that "fast track" , i.e learning fast and developing to their real soul age through meeting all the tough tests and making all the mistakes, acting in that earthly controlled, ego based, "I know best" way. Hence the duality of their existence and the confusion they cause within our lives. What you are sensing is that destiny. It's the butterfly sensing another butterfly but seeing a caterpillar…. This is the main reason soulmates have to part, in order that the less developed one catches up with their earthly experiences in order to fully awaken spiritually and be ready to reconnect with their real soul age from the past life and to reconnect with you to continue the journey at the same spiritual level… Energy Vampires and Attack Old souls will also be no strangers to people who try to cling to, or take or attack our energy. Often the more we give to people the more abuse we take. It's an extreme example of the "no good deed goes unpunished" rule. Energy vampires are those who somehow spiritually sense our power and energy to come into our lives to using us as a crutch, often draining us through their need to explain their problems and us be the solution. Frequently they will use our caring, giving nature to assist them with their lives, often becoming too close and draining and we don't seem to be able to find a way to tell them that this is something we aren't comfortable with and so we allow it to continue to an abusive level. Most times the person clinging to us won't be aware of why they are doing this they just sense, feel that we have something they need that causes them to be drawn closer and closer. This is because their spirit, their energy senses a more powerful energy. It's not on an ego awareness plane, we're not talking 'mind' stuff here we're talking spiritual energy which all of us sense even if we aren't realizing it. It's on the "there's something about him/her" level. Some will migrate to that energy for healing and comfort, the 'karmic vampire', others will fall for the energy in a romantic way and become instantly attached, with others seeking us out as a focus for blame and negative attention ( karmic dumping ). When confronted with their actions, even in the most caring and compassionate of ways, aggression and blame are often the responses they visit upon us as they lash out... Jealous bosses or co-workers, unwanted sexual attention, being 'picked out', blamed, the focus of attention when we don't want to be - all of these are classic symptoms.. Yes anyone will experience some of this in their daily lives but what we are talking here is something that happens to the old soul again and again at a frequency and intensity far above anything that can statistically be considered average.. Now you may think the word attack is rather strong and negativity and conflict are a common phenomenon of everyday human interaction, however any old soul will point out the frequency and veracity of their experiences- often amazing others when they hear the stories. At this point I remember lots of incidents in my own life but the most profound moment was when I was confronted by someone who spat anger and bile at me proclaiming I'd done this and that and the other with dark motives. The total shock was something I won't forget. Actually I hadn't done any of these things in fact I wasn't even in the country when they happened. However that didn't mean anything to this man - he set himself up as judge, jury and executioner and that utterly stunned me. It was only one of lots of incidences but is typical of an 'attack'. On an energy level, this guy, to my definite first hand knowledge, cheated on his wife, was unfair in business, had a huge ego and had controlled and manipulated several people to his own ends. Nevertheless I had never taken it as my task to judge any of this, I just treated him like I treated anyone else. That was what caused the utter disbelief the astonishment that his 'reality' was 180 degrees from actual events. Attacks from young souls who misinterpret our actions based upon their own narrow understandings are commonplace. In the example above, this guy had judged me based not upon his perception of me, my morals and motives - but from his own. He projected people's actions as having the same intent as his own and not realizing what he had done, had given me an insight into his own dark world by the veracity and ferociousness of his attack. He could not perceive any of my actions as being honest, decent and caring and putting others first because he wasn't capable of acting from that place within himself. In addition, whatever anger, frustration and emotions this caused necessitated him exaggerating these false claims to a level so ludicrous that it lost all connection with reality. In the end a quick chat with his lawyer resolved the problem because the lawyer simply told me the case was so ludicrous he couldn't take it seriously. However it was still very painful for me and really illustrates that in addition to giving love and light and understanding, we need to be prepared to defend ourselves against attach from a darker or afflicted soul - 'karmic dumping' as I call it. This again is one of the spiritual karmic tests that every old soul has to face. I always say that an old soul can walk into a room full of people and without even saying a word, three others will adore them and three hate them instantaneously. All of the above cannot be avoided and are not as a result of our actions but of who we are on a spiritual level. The importance of power. As we grow and learn, parents' teachers, mentors, the media, religious teachings and other influences in our lives all teach us that being giving and kind and caring and turning the other cheek are vital to being a good human being. True of course.. So why do we more caring, more giving, more compassionate old souls often feel walked over by life ?? As in all things there is a duality. Look at nature - there's no cold without hot, no up without down, no dark without light. The yin and the yang, the interplay of opposing forces seeking balance. Although conventional teaching is to keep pouring love and light and openness and giving into situations there is a point where we become depleted. There is a point where our love and compassion can cause us to give more than is healthy, to accept more than is our lot, and when we run out of cheeks to turn. Herein lies one of the most important karmic lessons in that, we must seek balance. We must maintain our own personal power and not allow love, compassion and "thinking the best of people" to become voluntary abuse when that person or persons repays us with negativity. Allowing this to happen encourages lowering self-esteem, feelings of abandonment, and a sense that destiny has left us behind when people are responding to us in a very negative way. For many of us this is a lesson that takes many years to learn. Most of use will have experienced abuse of our energy in different situations from work, family and relatives, within friendships and especially in personal relationships. We often give too much because we are giving people, and through that action diminish our personal power. Give love and light YES, pray for people YES, BUT I believe that it is essential for all of us to sometimes have to fight to protect the incredible value of our energy to realize it is a rare thing and to value it even when others don't. In achieving balance we understand that giving love and light and having compassion and caring and understanding of people, especially those that are afflicted and confused by negativity is essential but is only one half of that balance. Love and light won't get your elephant off the tracks so sometimes we need to use our power in an assertive way. The old soul experience comes with many such tests. This is not about giving less or giving to receive, it is to balance our giving and loving and caring with a total respect for the gold that is our own energy…In all things balance… "To thine own self be true", William Shakespeare
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Anyone who has read my other blogs knows that i have been through some adversity in life. This ive grown accustomed to and accept that in life problem-solving is a 24/7/365 job for me. This has usually only extended to my personal life. Professionally I've not dealt with it much having worked up until recently exclusively in health care. Then I took this job. I work for a 50 year old Greek man who owns too much property for his own good. 4 Hotels, 2 gyms and numerous residential rental properties. Guess who manages them all by herself? Dumbass here! I took this job when I came here as manager of the hotel. He pissed off the bookkeeper by calling her a fucking bitch and she quit in April. I AM NOT A BOOKKEEPER! This he is fully aware of but doesnt seem to recognize or give a crap about. He is verbally and mentally abusive, threatening and just all around evil. I've been told to "get out of his fucking face i fucking disgust him." That "i dont fucking care about anyone but myself." He told his lil 2 year old daughter while i was on the phone with him one day that she could not get a toy today because of me costing him $!!!!! I feel trapped here. I live on site so to get a new job means coming up with money for a new place to live. Connecticut is not cheap! I am trying very hard to get out of here but doubt i will unscathed. He doesnt like when employees leave. They are bitches/bastards who steal from him and take food from his babies mouth. What to do? Today I woke up with the thought in mind to give him a month's notice. To tell him that i can never be what the business needs because i dont have the tools necessary to do the job. That if he thinks he can find someone for $8/hr as he said last night to do all that i do for him then he should put the ad in the paper today. That try as i might i am not perfect and cannot do it all it is quite frankly destroying me emotionally, mentally and physically. I have anxiety attacks almost nightly and am in pain from my connective tissue disease daily due to all the stress i bear. From dealing with the Fire Marshall, the state police special crimes investigators, to irate tenants and bill collectors galore, lawyers you name it IVE HAD ENUFF! I have given this man 300% am on call 24/7 7 days a week. I dont know what more I can do or say because I know it will never be enough. So anyways this is my rambling for this morning. And how is your week? lol

remembering...

Remember…. One day soon you will remember …. Maybe walking down the street you will here someone laugh or speak and a face will pop into your head… You will remember times spent laughing your asses off… Remember nights sitting on the sidewalk at 3am crying in each other’s arms… Remember that someone was always there to listen…but never judge… Remember who actually cared about you….your well being…that you were happy and healthy and smiling… Remember that that someone tried to help in any way they could…covered your ass when you didn’t have any money…or gas…shared whatever they had for dinner that day and anything else to let you know they cared…. You will remember how their eyes lit up when they saw you and how they looked up at you with adoration and affection… You will wonder where they are….you will miss them… But they will be gone…. Love when treated with indifference dies….when taken for granted the giving heart run’s out of reserves…nothing left to give…. Never forget to cherish those that love you….you will wake up one day and find yourself alone….. Remembering….

Love at the 5 & Dime

Love at the 5 & Dime I think it would so nice if you could buy your mates like you do your shoes and socks at Wally World. Try those puppies on if you don’t like them take them back and get a refund or exchange for a better one.. Choose your style, your color, even your length in certain departments, big, tall, short, fat, big boobs, lil boobs….just line them all up on a rack and you can find the perfect one. It would sure be better than the heartache of falling in love with someone who doesn’t know you are alive half the time, who treats you as if you don’t matter cuz you truly don’t, who makes you feel insecure and less than what you know yourself to be and whose eyes, hand and cock wander to half the girls in town. Simplicity that’s what I need ….
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