|Sep. 25th, 2006 | 12:01 pm|
|I think its unfair.
To have to walk on eggshells your entire life,
Just because no one around you understands.
To have to hold your tounge and lie through your teeth.
Nod and smile, say what they want you to, say what they expect.
When you can't tell anyone the whole truth, you feel like a lie to everyone.
Could you imagine what its like? Anytime you got a cut, a cat scratch, a wound... getting that same look, that questioning glance, that penetrating stare into your soul, looking for guilt or admission, from everyone your supposed to love and trust? Its quite the mental fuck, feeling the same guilt from almost 7 years ago, reminding you again, how you disapointed everyone.
We watched Intervention last night. It was an episode about self mutilation. It was hard. And i dont think it was hard for me to watch the program, but more difficult to watch with my friends there. I couldn't even look them in the eyes. I felt so guilty for being jealous of the girl's cuts. Its not fair and makes me angry, not at my friends, but at the situation. Why does something that makes me happy, have to make everyone else upset?
I couldnt even really comment on the show with my friends. I sat in silence. Watching something like that, watching someone else cut themselfs or looking at pictures of peoples cuts, is something I do in private. Something I choose to do behind closed doors because its "unacceptable" to everyone else.
I hate that for the rest of my life I have to lie.
I hate that my online journal has to be private, for fear people in my everyday life will read about who i really am.
I hate that for the rest of my life, no one that I trust will ever trust me completely.
I hate that if I ever did choose to begin self injuring again no one would understand.
I hate that theres nothing I can do about any of it, even tho its my life and my body.
Theres a little part of me, that hates all of you for that more then you will ever know.