June 08, 2006 Ramblings of a Personal Journal
I'm just a few weeks away from my 39th birthday(whipty shit). I figured by now I would have a different life then what I do have. I'm not complaining although I have reason to. No sence in doing that it just burdens others and I think myself to be a nice person. I'm sitting on the waterfront in Wheeling, right by where my brother Russ took his last breath. I have no cemetary to go to. His ashes were spread on a hill where used to camp, his wife was so nice not to show us where. So I come here to talk to him alot when I'm troubled.
My religious beliefs are conflicting even for me. Explanation- I believe that everyone begins in Heaven as souls or spirits. We have 2 halves, 1 being ourselves and the other our mate. We are all born into bodies and live the life of that body then that body dies and we go to another new born body. We do this until our soul has reached it's goals and has found our mate. When we acheived these goals we can finally go home to God and recieve our wings. The conflicting part is this, even though I strongly believe the other part I want to believe my Russ is watching over me and guiding me. Now for a few that talk to me often know I have had alot of turmoil lately. My belief about my Russ is somewhat reinforced by ppl that have come back to my life that knew Russ. These ppl have become a burden to me mentally, physically, and financially. I feel in my heart this has been for a reason in which I haven't found out what yet. I do know I have been reminded that I am a good person with a huge heart. I forgot that for a long time and thought I was worthless and should be treated badly. I haven't really done anything wrong, I have made mistakes and did hurt a few ppl along the way but not on purpose. The truth is I am my worst enemy. I know this to be true because I have let these things happen to me. I trust to much, and care to much. I know who cares about me, and by all rights I should call them my Angels. They are always there for me no matter what the problem. It could be I can't sleep and they sit up all night joking around with me with smiley's til I about wet myself or help me to know that I am beautiful and desirable. They are who make me feel wonderful besides my kids. My kids and friends are what keep me going everyday. I don't really have much family to speak of. Most ppl would consider it disfunctional, I say it's FUCKED UP!!!!! Noone talks to noone. It's a shame I can't go to my family for guidance I go to my dead brother. His life was one of torment but I come to him. He was lost in life too so who better to understand. My son Jeff is my main reason for even bothering to stay alive. He and I are all we have had for years. When I was sick after the split with my ex bf of many years, Jeff took care of me. I should have been in the hospital. He ran the house pretty much, reminded me when things needed done. He wouldn't go with his friends because he figured I needed him. Jeff explained to the dr how I had been, the testing began. I was so close to having my whole body shut down. I did what I had to to get back to now. My son saved my life. I'm still here for him, it's hard at times cause I still struggle everyday. Lately has been real hard, I've had the thoughts I'm not supposed to have.
