9:08am
I thought that most of the feelings I'd experienced were buried.
Turns out they're not.
Last night I completely freaked out. I was on the computer just messing around with the settings and then I noticed a couple of messages on my phone. So when I saw them, I noticed one that came from AIM. Yes, I'll post his screen name it's.... wait nevermind, it's not worth it, for all I know he could be trying to stalk me on fubar lol JK but yeah maybe I should post up his freakin AIM screen name.
Anywho, it's just stupid because I thought he knew that my phone was disconnected. The 1st message that I got and read said, "hi Liz" and then like a dumbass I deleted every message thereafter.
I don't know what he doesn't get. I've been trying so hard to move on and I haven't been able to. I mean it's hurt me, and it's hurt the guys that I've liked. Most guys listen and understand but they cannot comprehend what I've gone through and what I still feel deep inside. I don't love him, I never did. I despise him. I can't stand the sight of him, especially after what he did to me. For a long time, I always put the blame on myself. I thought maybe I did something to bring it all upon myself even though I could never prove it to be true. I thought at times that maybe, just maybe had I said or done something different, nothing like this would've ever happened.
It's like the saying.... it's always/mostly those closest to you who bring you harm. It sucks. I'm a victim. I still can't shake this terrible feeling away. I haven't ran away from it but I do feel like running away from it all. This isn't the person I want to be. This isn't a solution. In February, it'll be 2 yrs since it's happened. In April, it will have been a year since he tried to slap me with a lawsuit.
It's just too hard to deal with because I don't want to go back and be my depressive self. Trust me, it's not a fun place to be in and I'm not a fun person at all. I believe that I can overcome this, but no one's willing to help me. I've tried to seek legal help and legal advice, but for the type of case I've been hit with, it's virtually impossible to do. No one wants to handle a criminal defense case. Well, I guess I've tried to contact criminal defense attorneys but they all want a couple of thousand upfront, if not at least 500 for starters.
Honestly, I'm not doing ok economically. Then again, who is nowadays. It sucks that I am always constantly put into an emotional corner, and I still haven't found a way out of it.
YOu have no idea... everytime something bad is about to happen, I know even before it happens. My heart gets strained, I feel like I'm confused, I want to cry but can't, and then I have knots in my throat for not being able to speak. It's a tough situation to be in. I haven't talked to anyone about this in such a long time either. The few guys I've told usually don't know what to say or do and then kind of avoid me like I'll spazz out on them or something, but I won't. I'm super strong, but there is only a limit. I've already reached my point where I'm past strong, and I, too, am human. I also have emotions. I can learn how to deal with them and repress them but that's not a solution. The other few guys that are still talking to me are my friends and they've stuck by me even though they're not there in person to tell me it'll be all right or to give me a hug! That's all I really need just some comfort. Something I haven't had in the longest believe it or not is patience and comprehension.
Anywho, I feel like I've gone on too long especially in the blog. I don't know what else I can type or say since my feelings won't go away.
Even last night, as I came home from dropping my brother off at his place, I parked the car outside my home and broke down. Actually I'd been crying as soon as I dropped him off. I was and still am such a wreck. I was crying but I knew I had to drive home. It was 9 something at night already. Where else was I supposed to go? I don't have a boyfriend I could just drive and see within a reasonable distance, and I don't want him to see me like this either. 9:20
9:22am Sorry I had a phone call. As I was saying I don't want anyone to see me break down. I am so horrible. I basically give up and say "Fuck everything, and fuck it all!" Then again, I think most of us have been in that fuck that mode. But I'm just saying, as much as I try to be positive, I can only remain so for a while. It sucks though... it really does. Anywho, work is calling me! Feel free to comment, if not it's ok. I'll just try to see what else I can type later on... probably during my lunch break. Buh bye! 9:23
Oh for those who didn't know.... I'm being slapped with a lawsuit basically, I am libel for SLANDER and DEFAMATION. I know it's not true. I know it would've gone in my favor. All in all it adds up to money. He is trying to sue me for his $10,000 bail amount, i forgot how much for punitive damages, as well as emotional damages, and such. It all adds up to $25,000 and I don't even make close to that. It sucks. I'm sure something will happen.
