Well it's been almost 2 months since my grandfather passed onto the next life. I have been refusing to deal with it, for my own personal reasons I guess something about today has said it's time. He lived a good life, he was 92 years old and well passed ready to go and join grandma. I guess no one else was ready for it. And yes most of them were for selfish reasons.But it was not for any of us to chose his time to depart this life. That being said..
Dear Granpa,
I know I haven't been the best person I could have been while I was growing up, but I have grown up alot since I left almost five years ago. I don't do meth, or cocaine or any of that shit anymore. I take better care of my boys now then I honestly think I ever have. I know you stood by my side when the rest of the family had given up, and I thank you for that you have no idea how much that meant to me. I know you never liked the religous path I have chosen but it's my path and I never asked for anyone else to believe the way I do. I still remember going over to Chillicothe when I was little and you an grandma ran the motel and swimming and playing games in the lounge. Fishing out on the banks with the cane pole you let me use that I always seemed to lose between the backyard and the garage. Thank you for teaching me how to build with wood and make things for granma and mom, for sneaking me ande's mints out of the back refrigerator before dinner, for watching fall down a billion times trying to learn to ride your bike. For watching me climb the trees in the front yard out at the bay. And even those times I had gotten in trouble. I sit here in tears, trying to type through them, not because of the memories, but because I never realized how big of a piece of my life you are. I still remember when the leavee's broke, and the two places I grew up went under 50 feet of water. About going back in with my National guard patrol and pulling things out that were granma we found. And thanking any god that would listen that gradma wasn't around to see it all go under.And landing, in st. louis for the first time in almost 5 years, mom driving me back to your house, and seeing all those things I tried so hard to forget; it was hard and it hurt. Seeing you for the first time in the nursing home that next day, I was o.k at first, I had to be, I had to be the strong one for everyone else ecspecially mom. I knew she was going to need me more than anyone. that last afternnon I knew granpa, I could feel it. When you raised your hands to the sky and started calling for granma, I felt it. I told you then, Granpa, it's time to go, it's time to be with granma, I was there and it was o.k for you to go. I'm not saying that it was the only reason, it was just my way of saying we love you and that it's not up to us, it's up to you. And you did, later that eve we had gone to hunters ball game and we get the call. alot of people came, I know granpa, I didn't cry as usuall I buried everything deep inside to deal with at a later date. that night after mom finally fell asleep, i did cry a little bit, enough to keep the build up down a bit. The evening of your visitation, I was doing fine until the missouri waltz came on and as I looked out into the empty space, I saw you and granma dancing to it, as happy as had been in a long time, I knew it was what you had wanted for along time..I love you Granpa...
