The election is less than a week away. It makes you feel like taking a shower, doesn't it?
The Republicans have a secret weapon -- it's called John Kerry. John Kerry botched a joke about President Bush that offended American troops. Kerry was stunned and responded with "People listen to my speeches?!” It's so hard to believe Kerry botched a joke because he's usually just so hilarious. It's hard to tell when Kerry is joking because of all the Botox. John Kerry later apologized for his botched joke. Political analysts say that this has hurt Kerry's chances to run for president in 2008. Apparently his chances have gone from zero to below zero. President Bush demanded that Kerry apologize for his remarks. What a change. President Bush addressing someone for stumbling on their words.
It's been found that people in the country of Saudi Arabia are most likely to look up homosexual activity on the Internet. That presents a dilemma for Republicans: Gays with oil!
Mark Foley has decided to remain in rehab even though he can be released now after 30 days. Apparently phony alcoholism is the hardest to get over.
The country of Iran is trying to get American tourists to visit the country. The tourist slogan of Iran is "Where the past comes alive -- because it never left!" Which does beat the old slogan of "Death to America!"
What do you call an American tourist in Iran? A hostage!
Last night I answered the door and kid says, "Trick or treat!" I said, "Trick or treat? Aren't you a few days late?" Then he responded, "No, I'm dressed as a FEMA worker."
Oil is now down to $58 per barrel. If my calculations are correct this means that Election Day is less than a week away. Get it now! After Tuesday you’re screwed!
Over the weekend we set clocks back. Republicans enjoyed this because it meant being in power for one more hour. Did you get your clock set back? I wonder how that works for Keifer Sutherland on "24”.
Well Halloween just passed – or as American kids call it: "Fat Tuesday!” Beverly Hills is the worst place for trick-or-treating. It’s a little different here. The kids email you pictures of them in costumes. Then they fax their candy list and you have it delivered by a messenger. Michael Jackson calls trick-or-treating "room service”. A popular costume this year is to wrap yourself up in bandages. Not a mummy, but going at Dick Cheney’s hunting buddy. Another popular costume this year is Kim Jung Il. It’s easy because all the clothes are kid size already. Halloween is the scariest day of the year – unless you’re a Republican, then it’s next Tuesday. At Dick Cheney’s house instead of giving kids candy, he waterboards them until they give up their candy. In Mexico they have the Day of the Dead. This is when they honor the souls that have disappeared to L.A. Kids are so fat these days. In fact one of the popular costumes this year is a Mini Cooper. Have you seen these "fun size” packages of candy? Why does the candy get smaller and our kids keep getting fatter? On TV on Halloween, you can find all kinds of scary movies. "Nightmare On Elm Street”, "Texas Chainsaw Massacre”. In Detroit they’re just showing reruns of the World Series.
Cardinals pitcher David Eckstein was the World Series MVP. He’s not big, he’s a little guy. In fact after the final game Madonna ran onto the field and tried to adopt him.
An elementary school in Santa Monica is banning tag from the playground. They’re afraid that the game could affect children’s self esteem. This also could prevent the spread of "cooties”.
The Panama Canal is going to be widened. Well of course – with all the fat ass buffets on the cruise ships these days, they had to.
The War in Iraq is now costing $4 billion a week. That’s slightly less than Paul McCartney’s divorce.
It’s the 120th birthday of Statue of Liberty. She’s the tallest, oldest woman in the New York City – except for Sigourney Weaver.
Here’s some inside showbiz news. There’s lots of troubles at NBC. As many as700 employees will be fired at NBC. Things are so bad that the NBC peacock was found in a KFC bucket today.
Dick Cheney said the other day that he thinks Hillary Clinton has the stuff to be president. Hey, he also thought the same thing about President Bush.
