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What are you waiting for?
It seems humans have been taking this word to heart.
Early this week I was in the hospital and it was like I was inconveniencing a person to do their job right. A friend of mine and i was stared at like we are uneducated. We stood our ground and in the end we were right and was validated as so.
There are people who want a relationship be it friends or other but only when it’s convenient. Again I hope when they need help or a hand it will be at a convenient time.
This word convenience has upset me greatly in the past 2 days.
I find it unacceptable when people apply this word to friendships or their work.
Friendships are anything but convenient and hospitals kill 1-200 though medical mistakes and after this week I’m shocked it isn’t higher.
I am curious what the mortality rates of friendships/relationships are because of “freedom from discomfort.”
The bucket list.
A movie about the inevitable demise of humans in the throws of a terminal disease.
Would you want to know when your time of death would be was the first question and what you would want to do before it happened was the second?
Death is terminal we will all have a taste of it before we drink it fully.
How sad it is for the human condition to need a terminal disease to say what should be said, to have done what should be done.
We squander our days as children at play. When as the clock ticks the cup moves just a little closer.
Too often misdeeds are overlooked because of intent.
What we want and what we need seldom have the same destination.
All too often we travel roads that lead to nowhere only to say "We had the best intentions".
How sad is it to be human to know this truth and still go down such a road.
How easy it is to be human to know that all we need to do is ignore what we know and in the end intentions were all that mattered.
To be human is to dream and though at times dreams come true most of the time they do not.
Dreams are not about destinations but about hope. Hope that our needs and wants become reality before neither matter.
Cool air fills the morning as summers grasps at a futile attempt to stay the inevitable. A lite mist brings back memories of past and present, memories about expectation. I am not honest about what I expect of people. I know that most would read this and speculate about how negative I must be. Humans are capable of the most hanus acts. It seems depending on how much they think they will get away with it the more hanus the act becomes. The fact is when no one is watching most will do what is in their best interest. There are few who shine when no one is watching. How bright that light must be that none of us can see it. How sad is it when it is seen we look away. So though I expect quite a lot out of humans, I must say I am most happy when my expectations are not met.
What a difference a year can make. I saw the first leaf change yesterday. It made me realize that the season that I love soon approaches. It’s a season where we celebrate the end of the year and then give thanks. Summer will soon be over and the ghosts of autumn will soon be here. It’s a bitter sweet time as I dread the feelings of doubt and self loathing that have attached them selves to this season. Something tells me this year may be different. I think something has changed. I read this last night.
It said there are three ways humans learn.
First is though reflection, which is the most Noble.
The second is though imitation, which is the easiest.
The third is though experience, which is the most bitter.
Though I may not be a believer I am not a doubter.
It’s funny how we always get what we need when we need it and not what we want when we want it. 
I watch and wait for that moment when the sun breaks the horizon. At that moment I close my eyes and I see. My eyes water as the sun crushes the darkness of the night I sip my drink, steam escaping from my lips and think about what is to come. To know what’s around the corner before you turn is a gift that many lack and even if they had the ability to use such a gift most would choose not to.
New paths have formed Many of them are filled with pitfalls and dangers that cause me to pause. There is one path filled with renewed hope that may be I am wrong. The night reminds me that some wounds never heal no matter how long you lick them. The breaking of the dawn says the night is over and the promise of a new day is here. I guess there is comfort in both. As the sun makes its accent I feel comforted that success is not measured by failure but by how far you have come.
Who am i was the question? They didnt ask it directly but it was asked non the less. Most i see have no idea who they are. They spend their whole lives not understanding.
I spoke with a person this week whom has a good relationship even by their accounts but have no idea why it's on the brink of ending. They are self destructing and they dont know why. They are an emotional wreck. They know this...why do they not change. Is this who they are?
I had a friend tell me that i was the topic of conversation in their group. I was spoken poorly of. I asked did they defend me. The answer was "I did not deny that i know you. Facinating their desire to be validated by these people was greater than defending a friend. This is a person who claims enlightenedment. Which means they have no standards. This kind of stuff makes my ears bleed and cry out for the end. Is this who they are?
What is not understood is that our actions or inaction are the ONLY thing that define us as a person. Hero's are hero's because they act when others dont. Thieves are thieves because they steal. It is really that simple. We desire to have others think the best of us no matter what we've done. Is this who we are?
Doing wrong is something we all do but it's how we behave afterwards is what contributes in defining us.
Wavering is not an option for me.
Being who you want to be is easy. You pick a direction and stay the course. Opinions change and views change but the course is always the same.
Staying the course is all i know. I bare the brusies because i will not yield. This way if someone thinks the worst of me or the best of me. I earned it. Not because i think it but because i live it.
Hate me for who i am...i can live with that but love me for somthing im not ......mmmm it's tempting but i think ill stay the course.
530 am. The bike roars to life. The air is cool for Oct. I head out knowing today’s ride will be hard. It’s been a few months since I road any amount of distance. The trip will be worth it. We head out 181 and the road is curvy. I fall into the all familiar reflex of fuel and brake. I am alive and I can feel it. I hear the scraping of my metal brackets off of the road and it reminds me that Home is only one mistake away. I push it just to see if I can catch a glimpse of what once was. It is all but out of reach so for now I have to wait. I twist and come out of a curve and I see were god himself surly has walked. The mountains of TN. Breath taking I stare in awe and throttle up and head into another curve. The group has stopped for a break so I pull in. I sit in silence and contemplate what I have witnessed. I’m not sure what it meant but the impact is profound. Life is so short and yet we think we have forever when in a blink of and eye and a blind turn. Something we did not for see and it’s over. How sad, that some wait for nothing, something everything to happen when it’s happening all the time. After the break is over we hit the hard roads. No time for the thoughts of earlier for now I am intoxicated in feeling alive. The brackets remind me again with a grind and a tug of how alive I am. The last stop was at a lake. This is a lake that inspired peace of mind and that I made the right decision in coming here. I fired up the bike with the reassurance that cost was worth it. We headed back to NC. 1030 Pm. I sit and think about how I spent my nothing something everything today. I still feel the twist and turn of the road and as i fall asleep i hear the brackets calling me home.
I spoke with a woman this week. She had broken up with her man. He told her that he did not see a future but He wanted to continue to see her. Wow what a flash back to my past. Though some of the details were different the impact was the same. She loved him but he did not want anything but his own fulfillment. He could not cut her lose. I was very thankful for the experience I had gone though. I helped this person understand what took me a year to learn. Selfishness is the ugliest of behaviors humans display. Misplaced hope is the ultimate destroyer. He was more than willing to destroy her by staying in her life for his own needs all the while she was holding onto hope that he would one day her love her. He stood there guilt free because he was open while emotionally she was being destroyed. He said it was her choice to allow her life to fall into decay. Hope doesn’t give us options. We believe. A prisoner must hold onto hope or he will be forever lost. The same is true in love. Nothing stings worst than loss of faith. When the selfishness is seen for what it is hope is free to see a different horizon. 
