Nicolette's blog: "NoThInG sPeCiAl....."

If you just walked away What could I really say? Would it matter anyways? Would it change how you feel? I am the mess you chose The closet you can not close The devil in you I suppose Cause the wounds never heal But everything changes if I could turn back the years, if you could learn to forgive me then I could learn to feel Sometimes the things I say in moments of disarray succumbing to the games we play to make sure that it's real But everything changes if I could turn back the years, if you could learn to forgive me then I could learn to feel When it's just me and you who knows what we could do if we can just make it through the toughest part of the day Everything changes if I could turn back the years if you could learn to forgive me then I could learn how to feel, then we could stay here together and we could conquer the world if we could say that forever is more then just a word If you just walked away What could I really say? Would it matter anyway? It wouldn't change how you feel?

So...I got told that I was a foolish little girl. Not for doing something w/o thinking, but for wanting something that no one thinks exists. I was on the subject of marriage. There are days that I am glad that I am no longer engaged, but then there are also days that I really just wish I was married. So of course I got asked, "Why?" I just want to be with someone that wants to come home to me every night and that even though we may fight and disagree, i still fall in love w/ him everyday. "Foolish little girl. Don't you know that no one marries for love anymore. There is nothing about love in marriage. No one even knows what a marriage is anymore, but there is definetly no love about it." Wow. Really? Am I fighting a lost cause? Does no one really do that anymore? Does no one believe that true love really exists? So if no one marries for love, then what do they marry for? Money? Security? Now don't get me wrong. I definetly know that there are no fairy tale marriages out there but can't you still have one in this day and age that is close enough? Or is all that hope lost? Maybe I am oblivious to what really is going on, but that is ok with me. I would rather hope for true love and believe its out there than think that it doesn't exist. Who knows, maybe I am just a foolish little girl.....

I miss you. Yea, that is really hard to say. I want to keep pretending that I am strong and I can go on without you. Each day gets harder, each hour seems longer, and each pain worsens without you here to heal them. Though, I ask myself how can you miss someone when you don't know who it is you are missing? The mysterious persona that visits me in my dreams and leaves when i awake, leaving me alone and the pain that you aren't there worsens. My bed becomes colder and more unwelcoming as the nights pass and I have no arms to hold me. Then I lay and wonder if you miss me too. Maybe you do. Even if it was only just the tiniest amount it would suffice. Just to know that I crossed your mind for that tiny second. That maybe you have the same dreams that I do. The wonderful places we see, the passionate nights we share, and the comfort of each other's company. Maybe. I hope you know that I will keep your spot warm until you decide to come around. I am hoping that you don't take too long because the darkness gets very lonely without you. Just remember, you should always kiss me goodnight and I won't let you sleep until you do. But you knew that, just like you know everything else. You are wonderful that way. So, I will say it again. I miss you. I truly, honestly do. Please baby, come to bed........

I'm sitting here tonight and i feel like i am just waiting.....waiting on what? I don't know. Waiting on who? Wish i knew. Is someone waiting for me? I hope so. Someone wanting someone exactly like me. A girl not so perfect, not so skinny, beautiful, with a big heart and a lot of love to give. Someone that I leave breathless after a simple kiss, twitterpatted at a single touch, and a longing just to be in the same room. When they hear a song on the radio it makes them think of me, and they smile. They smell a perfume or scent in the air and it instantly brings them back to me. Someone that can handle me. I can rock your world and if you aren't holding on you can fall off. I can make your head spin with a kiss and leave you amazed. Maybe someone can handle me one day. One day when the waiting is over and and our heads are spinning and we are completely breathless............

Yep you guessed it .......another lame poem lol I don't know how you do it make me feel all at once a million different emotions some i didnt even know i had or ones i didn't know i could feel at the same time i was glad i hate this crazy twisted ride even more because i'm not tied in but i think that's where the thrill is not knowing how it will end if i'll still be in this seat or if i will end up not it's like you are just standing there watching me on this ride somehow with me not knowing you were here next to me all this time your arms kept me in not letting me fly out at all with my eyes tightly closed i guess i couldn't see the only way you would get off this ride is if it was with me.......

K don't laugh....these are some poems i wrote...... Did you see him? A deliciously haunting smile prisoner is my heart this universe for a kiss fool over a boy bleeding desire bore deep A naked angel wild with desire smiles with fire bleeds of need of delicious decay a breath of secrets broken laughter blinded by yesterday im sure they probably dont make any sense but hey....sometimes i dont make much either

So i was just wondering if maybe i was asking for too much in a guy..... *someone to cuddle with, even if it doesn't lead to anything else. *someone to tell me i look beautiful even though i have been crying, my makeup is all smeared, and my nose is all stuffy..... *someone to kiss me like they mean it, to have a little passion behind it and no alterior motive. Kiss me like you mean it. *someone to want to kiss me around their friends, to show me off, and be proud to be w/ me..... *someone that has to fight to keep their hands off of me....even if all they want to do is hold my hand or wrap their arms around me..... *someone that doesn't mind that i watch little kids movies.....and will be willing to watch them w/ me w/o a single complaint because they got to spend time w/ me. *someone that can hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok when i have a bad day. *someone that will be there for me even if all i need is someone to help me fix the tiniest, simplest thing. *someone that enjoys being around my crazy family. *someone that thinks i am intelligent *someone that could spend the whole day in bed watching movies, sleeping, and just wasting it away *someone that misses me the moment i leave. *someone that doesn't mind going to the store in the middle of the night w/ me just because i decided i wanted to go shopping. *someone that loves my dogs as much as i do *someone that doesn't mind how much i like to kiss, touch, and hold them..... i dont know.....maybe it's a little too much to ask for....but i keep hoping that one day someone will fit the bill.....

Ok so.....i guess i finally just figured out the root of my self esteem and confidence problem....i was randomly looking and bulletins and come across one that was talking about someone being 200lbs didnt deserve a ten.....ummmm can i call bullshit on that one????? i weigh probably more than one thinks i do......but then again...i work out...i have muscle....and i am probably heavier than you would think......so w/ all the tens i have gotten...does that mean that i dont deserve them just because i dont weigh 105??? .......guys like this is exactly why i have problems.....i guess i dont understand what the problem is w/ women who have curves and why someone wouldnt rate them a ten....every woman is beautiful in their own way....just because they are 200lbs + does not make them anything less.....and girls that are skinny are tens as well......i guess i am just irritated at the fact that someone posted a bulletin like that.....if you wanna look at it....here is the link http://www.cherrytap.com/bulletins.php?b=2003697527 i am just as good as someone that looks like a model......i may not be 105 like i said.....but i am sure as hell worth a ten

So i decided that Christmas is no longer my favorite time of the year....lol...mostly cuz im being whiney and shit....i am a hopeless romantic....and i like to have someone around to take me ice skating, walk around down town by the lights, things like that....well this year, like years in the past, i don't have anyone.....kinda sad....yay a lil personal pity party.....jk....that and i am fed up w/ all the bullshit about whether or not you can say Christmas......good hell people....why do we have to go and analyze everything and wonder if its good or bad or politically correct....who cares....its a holiday.....no offense to anyone else but it is the majority holiday.....not saying that others arent as important....but no one cared about whether or not it was ok to say "Merry Christmas" or better to say "Happy Holidays" ten years ago......im tired of being politically correct god damn it......

Well today was quite interesting to say the least.....out of a dead sound sleep this morning i woke up w/ a HUGE pain in my abdomen.....i thought maybe it was just some random thing so i layed there for a few minutes to see if it would subside.....well it didnt....my cousin had had her appendix taken out about a month and a half ago so i called her to ask about the symptoms she had....well i didnt quite have them all but i decided the pain was too great to wait for my doctors office to open three hours later..... so we went to the ER and as soon as i was in that room i was scared....yea im a baby with hospitals what can i say......so you would think that with my tattoos i wouldnt mind getting poked or proded w/ needles.....well when they stay in my skin thats when i dont like them....they hurt.....god....lol.....and the nurse took forever to find a good vein and i think he was takin delight in torturing me....lol...so he finally got the blood drawn and the IV in and things were good....as good as they could be i guess....well the morphine and what not started to get in and you guessed it i was floating....i was trying to stay awake through it all but it was getting harder and harder.....they had me do a CT scan so they could try and see what was wrong...well it wasnt my appendix, it wasnt my kidneys, or liver, low and behold i had a cyst on my ovary that burst.....aint it great??? So they sent me on my merry way w/ some hydros for any pain that comes back and some anti inflammatorys.....so far so good....but yea...so thats how my fantastic day went today.....loads right???