LoSt KiTty's blog: "nothing else matters"

I was TwelVE yeaRS olD... MY brOTHER 10... WE went TO go VisIT our Aunt And UNclE THat LIved IN desert CENTER, caLifORNIA... for THE wHOLe Summer..thE sUMMER of 1989... EVERY time WE went TO our AunT aND uNCles PLACE we HAD fun.. THERE hoUSE was ON a CAlTRANS lot.. THATS where ALL the CAlTRAns WoRKERS lived...With THIER faMILys... THERE wAS aLwaYS rOCK and DIRT moNDS to PLay ON...WE wereNT saPOSE to BUT did.. WE aLso Would TAke THE reFlECTOrs OFF sIGNS aND plAY wITH them.. THey Had This HUGE tree..IN the FRont YARD tHAT had A rOPE...we Would SwING from.. It WAS a GREAT summer...buT in THE miDDle OF aUgust thEY told US we WOULD be GOING home...BUT not TO oUR home IN L.a. BUT to A new PLace. A plACE to LIve With MY moms SisTER aND her HUsband AND our TWO cOUsINS... we THought Wow...OUR couSINS BUT a NEW plACE...a Whole NEW cITY...saN bErnARDino.... WE thought WERES thAT? and HOw IS dad Getting TO wORK...sINCE he WoRKED out IN iNGelWOOD? When WE got Off THE freewaY thERE at THat TIME was A daIRY farm..EeEWWwW....gROSS..it StINKs HERE... we DONT waNNA liVE here...BUT yeah....WE get TO our NEW home... And MY mom, DAd, AuNT uNCle And TWO cOUsINS were THERE... i WAS sO happy TO see EveryoNE... but MY dad..HE looked Different..REally SkiNY...BEFOre WE lEFT he HAd MEAt ON those BOnes...bUT sTILL it WAS good TO see THIS pART of MY faMILY...My DAD saID he HAD sOMething TO tell MY bRother And I And HE asked My MOMS part OF the FAmily TO lEAve SO he Could TELL his KIDS sOMething.. i REmEMBER setting ON his LAp...With MY bROTHER.... he BeGAn TO tell US.. thAT he WAS sICk.. THat HE hAD caNCER of THE pAnCREAus And THey TOLD him HE had 6 to 10 years TO live..And US liVING here IN saN bernaRDINO..was TEMPAraRY, unTIL he GOT better....thAT he WAS to Sick TO wORk.... I reMember CRYING.. BecaUSE i LOved HIM so...i DidNT waNT to LOse HIM...like I loST my GRaNDMA 2 YEARS bEFORE THat daY... so WE sTAYED and MY aUnt And UnclE lEFT to DEsert CEnTER....IN a CoRSE of A moNTH we HUNG out AT the HOsPItal...IT sEEMED as IF eVERY other DAy...WE were THERE..... my CouSin Patty And I got StuCK in AN eLevaTOR for AbouT 15 MIN. sHE thoUGHT sHE was GOING to DIE rIGHT there...THat WAS sO funny.....mY mom got StUNG by A bee FOR the FiRSt TIme IN fRONT of THAT hoSpitaL wHILE sMoking...(yEAH, she had IT cOMING...brIGHT neON oRaNGE lEGGINS..)  as THe DAys Went By I saw My DAD tURning INTo A waLKin SkEletone.. HE beGAN to LOSE cOLOR in HIS faCE, IN hIS haIR... hiS tUMMY bLOated From REtaINING waTER... i REmEmber THey Would HAVE to DRAin FlUID fROM him...In HIS hOSpITAl ROOM...aND wOULD ask US to LEAve... I reMember Sitting IN the HAll WAy When THEY dID this....They Left THE room With WhAT lookED likE two BIG maNOIniAS jaRS of YEllowISh wHITE FLuid IN them...THat WAS wHAT they DRAined OUT of MY dad... And BecaUSE hE had THAT type OF caNCER...hE enDED up with DieaBetes... THat JUst ADDED to HIS pRoBLem.....aRouND sEPteMBER 6.. my GRAnDPA which IVE seen 2 tIMES before THIS DAY...fLew IN frOM tEnnessee... TO cOMe SEE my DAD...I gOT to HAng OUT wITH him... And hear THe WAy HE taLKED...thAT was AMaZING...taLK aBOUT a Southern DRAW... this MAN had IT...My DAD gOT hiS pRETTY bLUE eyes FRom THIS man....iT was GREAT to HAng OUT wITH him....on SepTEmber 11 1989..WAS a LOng DAY aT the HOsPITAL.....I reMember To THIS point...MY dad Started BreaTHING odd, Like A bAD aSthma AttaCK...how THEY sTART to WEEZ.... thE dOctor TOOK my MOM asIde But I was LisTENING... he said MY dad Has A sTRong HEART...aND bad Lungs...THE fIRST thing TO go IS his Lungs...MY MOM was CRYING aND waNTED to TAke MY dad HOMe..MY dad Did NOT waNT to Die IN a HOsPitaL....thEY made ArraNgments TO relEAse MY dad, SO he CouLD gO homE..tHEY whEELed HIM to OUR car, HE was STRong Enough TO get IN oWN his oWN.... i REmeMBER bEING in MY moms SisTERS trUCK..my mom And Aunt IN the CAb...US for KIds IN the BAck....MY UNCLE drOVE our CAR And MY dad IN the FRont SEAt..With HIM... i remEMber DRiving Side BY sIDE wITH them...And SEE hoW my DAD dIDnt Even HAve EnOUGH sTergNTH tO holD up HIS oWN head...So MY uNCle HELD his Head UP as HE drOVE...by THE tIME we GOT homE my MOM Aunt, AndUnCLE had TO cARRY my DADS lIMP bODY to HIS bed IN our Room....AS thEY dID this HIS breathing WAS wOrse THEN befORE we Left THE hoSpitaL....My BROther And I were TO sLEEP in thE liVING rOOM on THE couCH....I feel AsLEEP...in THE miDDle OF the NIGHT my Aunt WAS waLKING me TO her BED...i FEEL baCK asLEEP...................SepteMber 12... i Woke UP in A bed With MY brOTHER aND bOTH cOUsINS...it WAS mY cOUsin NAncys BIrthdaY... I cLImb OUT of BED...go TO see MY dad....And THERE was MY mom..Sitting Alone...She LOOKED up AT me And TolD me TO get My BRother...I asked WHERES dad? JUst GET your BroTHER...I went DOwn THE hall Woke HIM up And WE weNT baCK to OUR mom.... sHE had My BRother Sit NexT to HER...aND i Across... She HAD tOLd US... THat Last NIGHT 11 SomETHING Our DAD diED...thAT he WAS wITH grAndMA our CAT saLLy And MY DADS dOG lADY....mY bRother CRYED....She HUGGED him... I saT baCK....And Did NOthing.....

fOR thE lAST 17 yEARS............ArOUnd THIS time I gET very DEpRESSED............And THIS year Seems TO be THE wOrsT i HAve GOTTEN....... For Up To TWo WEEKES beFORE sEPteMBER 11 im DEPRESSED aND as IT gets Closer TO that DAy I get WoRSE..aND wOrse...aND the DAy After...IM fINE....I feel LIke I reLIve THat DAy Over And Over...THOse MeMOries HAunt ME.............And I dONT knOW wHY...but THEY do....

i THink IT was An aWFul WAy TO dIE... nOT juST fOR the PersON...buT thier LOved ONES.... I saw HIM deTEREARTE rIGHT befORE my EYES.......

 

He KNows I miss HIM...And IM sURE hES teLLING me TO let GO..... I juST dONT uNDERSTAnd HOW cOME its LIKe THIS eVERY year.....

 

i LOve YOU dad...i MISS you....

it was a sunday... i was ten years old.....  she died April 12, 1987
my dad and brother found her that way... i was at church... they say funerals are
 for the dead.. i feel they are more for the living. it was the first funeral i can
 really remember. she was wearing yellow... she looked so beautiful.
i was close to my grandma KAY.  i love her dearly. over the years ive had the
 same dream not the same but pretty close.. theres a phone ringing, i pick it up
 and its my grandma, im talking to her, asking her where she is? ill come and get
 her.. im telling her i thought she was dead.. and shes telling me thats silly... and
 the call ends. sometimes i wake up crying, i miss her so much...
 
     a couple weeks ago, out of know were i called my Aunt Sylvia, to ask about
 turtles.. my aunt tells me that my other Aunt (Winnie) was in surgery and she
went flat line. Aunt Winnie said she had an out of body experience, she said she
 saw grandma KAY and my Dad..... Winnie said they were side by side holding
 eachothers hand... it wasn't Winnies time to go.... im glad my Aunt Winnie is
doing well and nothing negative happened to her. the posative thing that did
happen was she saw my Dad and Grandma KAY.

   i know the dead watch over the living, i also know how much i miss the
dead...  my grandma was like my best friend, i spent lots of time with her...
some family members tell me i remind them of grandma Kay, i guess my
behavior and such....  i think thats super cool...
this is for you grandma.........
 
                     I LOVE YOU. I MISS YOU SOMETHING FIERCE. I KNOW YOU CHECK UP ON ME FROM TIME TO TIME. YOU WHERE TAKEN AWAY FOR ME WHEN I WAS SO YOUNG... BUT YOU REMAIN WITH ME FOR MY LIFE TIME.... I WILL SEE YOU AGIAN... HUGS AND KISSES......