Starwhisper Nighthush's blog: "Not to sure what will go here"

Well, I don't know what I had expected, but I'm not getting anywhere fast on this contest I'm in. Oh, sure, I'm getting a few comments here and there, but it's been mostly me. Yeah, I know.....I don't leave many at any one time, now, but I keep going back to leave more. Also, I guess it no longer counts that before the crap babyj started of giving 10 minute time outs, of threatening to delete your account and accusing you of being abusive of priviledges, I used to bomb about 25 to over 100 comments at a time.....I guess no-one remembers that. Ah, well, I should have known......I've never done well in 'popularity' type things. I just not going to enter another one. And if this sounds like sour grapes.......so, who really cares?

I've got the blues. The search for the Goddess is slow. What I have learned so far is that She's Celtic/Druid and Her name, as given to me, is Dilneag. (Anyone who knows of Her or knows of a lead, message me, please? Thanks in advance!) Work has also been the pits. I have to put up with rudeness and disrespect only because this individual will at least show up most of the time and will at least do the bare minimum amount of work required. I had at one time enjoyed teamwork; this one is not a team player. Nor am I able to quit all that easily. I really can't afford to right now. And I've noticed something as of late; I'd be assured about something as being or told something will be and then found it was the opposite, all along. So...... Now, I've got the blues.

I generly try not to be superstitious, but..... Well let's just say I have reason to be a little nervous about April 1st. I was 7 or 8 years old, a fine, warm April 1st afternoon; shirt-sleave warm. My Mom and I were walking up the neighbor street, when it started to cloud over a bit, a chil breeze whispered by, and large, white, fluffy snowflakes began to drift gracefully earthward. Needly to say, we stood there dumbfounded. Then, almost as quickly as it had started, it ended. It warmed up and cleared up. The whole thing lasted maybe 10 minutes. The only sign left that it had even snowed were glistening splotches of wet all over. I was 27-28 years old, working as a ride-operator at the Seattle Fun Forest. A co-worker and I were getting the Antique Cars ready for the day. It was a decent April 1st morning, about 10am. We had uncovered the cars, unchained them, turned on the power and pushed the first car onto the electrified part of the track. We waited about two minutes, then pushed the next car onto the track. We had just pushed the sixth car up, when there was a sharp retort, followed by a KA-BOOM! followed by smoke coming out from under the fifth car and a rather nice fireworks display. We both said "What the fuck!" Then she grabbed the fire extinguisher and ran to put out the sparks. Meanwhile, I hit the panic button (literally) and yanked the plug. I looked skyward and said "Happy April fools to You, too",then calmly reported to my superviser, on the hand-held, that the ride blew up. We didn't even flinch with his squawk of "What!" It didn't take long for him to get to our ride. He stood there staring at us with a rueful expression. We stood there looking back; still calmly. He shook his head and said, "I should've known. ok, who was the idiot that scheduled you to together?" We sniggered and she replied, "You did, Sir." He closed his eyes, sighed and whispered "oh". (Ok, I'll admit that my coworker and I had an off-the-wall rep when we worked together. But that's another set of stories for another time. I promise.)She was sent to another ride while I got voluntered (lucky me) to tell whiney little kids that the ride was broken. *uuugggghhhh* Ok, you're probably seeing that there is quite a span of time between these incidences. Yes, I agree; there is. About 20 years. I know, sooo...? I am now 48 and it's April 1st.I start my work week, my 'Monday', on the last two hours of this day. Not only that, it is the first night of the full moon. It has been 20 years. Nothing happened last year or nothing catastrophic I should say. So, don't you think I have the right to be a little nervous? (There is also the possibilty of the last two hours could give more of an impetus to the full moon effect, too.)

It's amazing the things a person will do for Love. I myself have commited felonies for Love. Embezzeling, theft, 'running', smuggling. I have moved from one city to another for Love. I have given birth for Love. I've even fucked someone I had no attraction to because I Love the person who set it up that much. I'm even looking for a 'playmate' for my husband because I Love him and I promised to help in this matter (we have an open marriage and I've gotten lucky). The only thing I haven't done was to commit murder. Could I? I don't know to be honest. Where am I going with this......I don't know, except that I had to get it out. I'm sure many others have done strange things in the name of Love. I know I'm not the only one out there who has.

I'm coming to the conclusion that I may be going insane. Yeah...I know...if you think you're going insane, you're not. It could be because I'm in the process of going through menopause (though I've been looking forward to this since puberty). I do know this is part of the Path I need to be on with my search for the Goddess. It could be that I'm 'touched' by Her. I am going to put more of 'ME' in here, for I have found that this is a journey and a search for the answer of 'Who am I?, 'Why am I here?' as well. I realize this may put more info here than some would want. I also realize I will more than likely make myself more vulnerable. This is part of the process I must go through. This is going to be intersting for me in some cases as a few of my Friends here I also know in real time. Why they are a part I don't know. I invite anyone to come along on my journey here. It won't be smooth for me at times and it will deffinately a rollercoaster ride at times. But who knows, maybe someone can spot something I missed in my journey. All I ask is that if you comment on these, please do not be rude or nasty (thank you). So if anyone cares to wander with me on my Path, please do. If fact, I dare you. Thank you for your patience.

I'm going to take a few days away from here. My heart is heavey and I'm crying inside. I can't cry outward because that's the way it is with me. Maybe a few tears, but then, bottle them up and hide them. The way things are right now, well...work sucks, life sucks, love sucks, prophecy sucks. The feeling that no-one really cares is strong and I'm alone. I wish I could blow my fucking brains out, but I can't. Not only is it a sin even in my believes, but I'm afraid I'd fuck it up and make things worse by becoming an invalid unable to finish the job and become a drain on the family. Also I went and had a child so it wouldn't be right to lay that on her either. I do love my child, I just never wanted her. I didn't want kids. My husband did. He finally admitted to the fact that he was glad I kept her. I never wanted to be born. I was an excuse for my mom to get out of an abusive home. My dad never wanted me, but back in the 50's a girl got pregnant she got married. My mom nearly miscarried twice but the afterlife doesn't want me. I have died twice; drowned when I was 5, but was sent back. Died on the table during an emergency operation once and was sent back. 'They' don't want me, either. There is no real love or happiness for me. Mostly because ever time I say I am happy, if falls apart orgoes horribly wrong. The prophecy that sucks is my husband will leave me. He doesn't love me anymore. He just hasn't really faced it yet. The other part of love sucking is the other who has a talent for making things work the way it is wanted no matter the circumstances, hasn't; claiming circumstances are interfering. uh huh. I guess I'm just tired of being lonely in a crowd, of looking for the Goddess without guide or help, of blundering blindly after love that doesn't seem to exist. All I ever wanted was to be loved and to be happy. To be able to say that I am. Okay, I guess I'm rambling. I do that when I'm down. But i have no-one to talk to anymore. Besides no-one really listens. I'm only told that others are worse off or I have no right to feel the way I do. Or worse yet, someone tries to jolly me along to 'make me feel better'. That's no real help. And no, professional help won't help because they don't really care except at so much an hour. All I can say now is that I'm crying inside. There is no outlet for me except here. If anyone has managed to get this far in reading I'm surprised. Forgive this 'old wolf bitch' as I consider myself most times (there is werwolf blood in the family tree). Next time when I write here it will be different. Thank you for your patience.

The Mushroom Tree The day has done, the Sun's gone down; The day has done, the Sky's aflamed. Soon no eyes will see the wonderous beauty That came before the Mushroom Tree. The day has done, the Moon has risen; The day has done, the Stars are shining. It's too late to see the mistakes For we've seen the bloom of the Mushroom Tree. The day has done, but it's the dawn of Doom; The day has done, and so are we. For the city glows with ghostly Silence; The Fruit of the Mushroom Tree. The day has done, and I'm alone; The day has done, and I'll soon be gone. Soon there'll be no Life to see; So deadly the fragrance of the Mushroom Tree. The planet is empty except for the ruins. Is this another world far off in space? Or is it our world the chosen one For the blossoming of the Mushroom Tree? The hollow Night has done, the empty Dawn begun; As the silent grave circle the Sun, No one will see the sterile Fruit Of the glorius Mushroom Tree.

collared by threads silken gold, by flowers sweetly wild; unicorn dips spiralled horn, bows to Dragon, bows to Lion. old wolf bitch woicing song with Twilight's rhythm, unicorn dances in Sun's Lastlight, then moongleam, then starglow; Dragon, Lion Smiles.

Silence Silence came like the creeping fog, Glowing like dew in the dawn's light. Growing as a dandlelion weed, Swelling gently, slowly as an ocean wave. Silence, like dust, filled the corners, Hung like cobwebs in the rafters. Drifting softly through on a draft, Filling a soul that has died.

I'm not sure what will go here. Poems, yeah. Some ranting and raving, more'n likely. Off the wall ideas, deffinately. Oddball thoughts, of course!