psycho michaelangelo's blog: "Norman"

All I wanted to hear was his voice again.I didn't care what he said. I just wanted to know if he was safe. It had been a week since I'd heard from him, and our last conversation had been less than promising. We had talked about everything for about five minutes and we hung up. My thoughts were running into each other. I just wanted some form of contact. I was so worried. The phone rang. "Hello?" "Hello this is Vorizen East, and we would like to talk to you about a..." I did not want to hear it. "Fuck off!", I hung up. I normally did not blow up on the phone. But I didn't want to hear it. It was not who I was hoping for. Why won't he call me back? I had called him 3 days before, got no answer and left a message. The last three days had been horrible, filled with worry, depression and doubt. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't sleep and felt sick. The phone rang again. "Hello," "Hey how's it goin? Long time no hear from.", it was my ex. We had broken up a year ago but still remained good friends. "Hey Mark. Doing pretty good. How about yourself?" "Doin great! I met this cute guy at the club last night." "Cool what's his name?" "Eh don't remember, but he was a great fuck." Yea that was Mark. Shallow as hell and very to the point about it. he was a good guy though at heart and helped me outta some really hard times. "Right, well Mark I gotta go. Great to hear you're doin well. Talk to yah later, " "Will do love yah babe," "You too, bye.", I hung up the phone. It was a nice diversion for a sec, well sort of. But I still just wanted him to call. I don't care what he has to say, whether its over, whether we need time apart whether... The phone rang again. I didn't want to answer. I knew it wasn't him. If only it was. "Hello?" "Hey baby," Relief.

"Don't give up on me," As I said this, I knew it wasn't what I deserved. Not after everything I had put him through. "I love you." "I love you too," he said looking down at me, drawing his hand near my face. I could hear the rain as it fell onto the roof trailing its way past the window. Any other time I would've been at peace. Not now. His hand gently brushed up against the whiskers on my chin, then my cheek. He had been looking into my eye's listening to everything I had told him. But now he was facing the floor. His eye's closed. He pulled my head to his. "But I can't keep doing this. I can't keep being pushed away. I can't keep being hurt. I can't do it any more. You need help and you won't do anything to get it and you won't let me help you." "I know and I'll get it. I'll do whatever you want me to! Just please don't leave! I can't bare to be abandoned again. Not by you." Tears started to well in both our eyes. We were holding each other now still standing by the window. It was raining harder. The entire window was covered with the trails of rain. I just wanted to stay in his arms forever. It always made me feel safe, safe from the world and its judgments, safe from my past, safe from myself. "I know I've fucked up and I know that I am seriously messed up in the head but I don't want to lose you. I love you so much. Please can we start over?" For a second there was silence. It seemed to last forever. "I can't," he shoved me away and headed toward the door. I wanted to stop him but couldn't. I couldn't move. The rain stopped. He opened the door. And at the last moment glanced back at me. I wondered what was going through his mind. But I would never know. The door closed behind him. I would never see him again.

~Norman~ I hear my mother Her voice familiar but faint She tells me I am her's And I will be there for her always Yet I feel alone Her words have become so distant Its as if they aren't coming from her at all But instead from an empty, demanding shell I've come to dispize attending to her needs She takes and takes and takes But what does she give me in return Love? I don't know I would like to think so But how can I know When throughout my life she's told me I'm nothing And will never amount to anything Other than her little boy But mother I am not a little boy anymore I am a grown man And wish No Demand To be treated as such I want to leave you And return only to visit your grave and smile Knowing I was able to Knowing I was free ~ What have I done I've hurt the only one who ever loved me Cared for me My only friend My reason for living My mother She was right I am nothing