im drifting silently in that place.
you know the one.
where its safe
where its warm
where its dark
where the only comfort comes from yourself
where the only thoughts residing there are your own.
where its easy to envelop yourself in a shroud of self.
where no words or people are necessary
where a lilting breeze is your only companion
where the beating of your own heart is the only sound
where you spend your time hoping the beating of the heart can somehow...in someway...simply drown out the raging emotionally draining indefinable completely rhetorical screaming within the confines of your cranium.
or maybe...thats just something i do.
im not quite sure.
i know the soliloquey of cliches and non answers and placation are enough to drive a person even further past the brink of insanity they're already treading so carefully upon...
yet i also know...there really is no other way of it.
it is what it is.
and what exactly it is...well...its not something i know.
as i often say fondly...the only thing i know is that i know nothing. im sure someone famous said it once in some way shape or form and id give due credit if i could just remember who...
ive chewed the inside of my lower lip raw.
its not a happy happy joy joy feeling.
its actually quite uncomfortable.
and yet...i continue.
cuz in its own small way...it brings a small measure of comfort...
which helps in its own small way...to help alleviate the droning pounding migraine-esque torture ive endured today..albeit thru bouts of high pitched screaming at little persons otherwise known as children...but everybody's got their something...and for me...well...lack of sleep procures a migraine which procures a big nasty...bitch for lack of a better word.
tho i must say i cracked the shit out of my neck after dinner...which immediately stopped the pulsating eye-pain...which is a good thing. now...its only that dull throb ive grown accustomed to. not by choice of course. *shrug*
children are always much better than i give them credit for...minus the lil pre-dinner disappearance fiasco...which was nicely rectified *nod*
they're all sleeping soundly now.
they were really good today.
all of them.
im always amazed at how well my lil Peanut gets slong with her lil friend. they suit each other well. they dont make each other cry...or miserable...and whatever little kid tiffs they get into...they resolve them...on their own. which is superfantastic...cuz sometimes as a mom...er well all the time dammit...i just dun wanna get involved in those regular lil kid squabbles. it happens. kids do it. all kids. including my own...cuz believe you me...they're no angels...but they're not satanic seeds either *knocks on wood*
i know they'll make new friends...but in some way i dont think any new friends they make...will measure up and 'fit' them in the same way these friends have. so im glad they have them. *nod*
im exhausted.
my brain hurts.
my phone is silent *whew*
the fan is whistling softly
the breeze is waftinng across my face...and if i wasnt typing...it would be ever so easy to succumb to the sweet call of sleep.
if only my brain would cooperate.
moms offered to let me talk.
i just...i couldnt...
i dun think i could explain it in a way that she..well not that she wouldnt understand the words...cuz they're pretty simple...perhaps the implications of the words to me...maybe that...im not sure.
plus i'd just get upset.
i dun like to be upset.
ive spent enough of my life upset.
i just...want to be understood.
apparently thats too much to ask.
of anyone...when i..quite frequently lately...find it erring on the difficult side to understand myself.
its really all so...nonsensical really.
i need some understanding.
and that part of myself i get.
i know why im all discombobulated over stupid stupid words.
thats the easy part.
i dont understand how certain things are going to come to pass when those words are floating around.
thats where the confusion sets in.
maybe its something i just dun get to know?
frankly?
i find that kinda...well shitty for lack of a better term.
if things are going to directly impact my life and my childrens lives...shouldnt...dont i...i dont know...deserve? rate? an inkling of some sort?
cuz the whole stumbling around in the dark thing...while it requires a certain modicum of faith...is painful. cuz im really tired of banging my face into sharp implements.
*nod*
if you can decipher any of that...more power to ya.
~ peace ~
