435311's blog: "no title, just read it!"

okay my pretty night wedding at the place where my sweetie and i meet has become a VERY cheap ordeal. no, it's not a JP ordeal, but at the moment it might as well be. there'll be no dancing, no really big celebration . . .no pretty dress. . .no being the day's shinning star. i will be just another person, someone who will go basically unnoticed on what SHOULD be my big day. My SISTER will be prettier and better dressed ON MY WEDDING DAY than I will be. because we are SOOO BROKE and the economy sucks so we're having toubles getting new jobs. it feels like i'll be forgotten on my own wedding day because i'll not be special enough or pretty enough. no special dress for me . . .no aisle for me to walk down towards to my love. i know i sound like a drama queen, but it's like getting my dreams flushed down the toilet and fate laughing at me for wanting ONE SINGLE day to be special. hell my future step daughter will look prettier than me thanks to the capabilities of her grandmother. fuck it all

my mother and my sister and a friend of my sister's are attempting to take over the planning of my wedding. everything that i like or want is wrong to them. i'm ready to cry. to give up and just say fuck it and let them have the wedding that they want. fuck what i think or want. fuck my dreams and ideas. as long as they are happy. that's most important isn't it? that everyone else is happy to hell what the BRIDE wants or thinks or dreams about? i'm sorry that i am being a bride-zilla but i'm just so frustrated right now. *sigh* is having a wedding really worth all of this? i feel like i'm trying to develop an ulcer. . . did that with work too, but this is another one. . . or on top of that one. whichever. okay, until next time. goodmoshpitting to all.

Okay, here i am again. i know it's been a long while since i last updated. since then Mike and I have gotten things sort of settled with mummy about the wedding. . .though more drama will happen before we're done. i lost my job, now I've got to find another and it can't happen too soon. we honestly need the money for bills and groceries. wish i could get paid enough for luxuries afterwards like savings and Christmas gifts and books to read . . . I'm out of new stories to read which bothers me. it's frustrating and disheartening to say the least and i don't like it. i feel incredibly stupid and useless right now. like i defiantly can't get anything right no matter how hard i try. try is not success and success is never guaranteed. especially for me. more later when I'm not so depressed.

hey all. been a while i know. Life's been busy and full of a ton of fucking surprises. It's a bit mind boggeling to look back now and see where life has gone. I can't believe that i've found my soulmate and it's NOT harold. i'm not even sure now that if you had asked me a few months ago when we were together that i would have been able to give you a definite answer as to believing him to be my soulmate. See, isn't hindsite always fucking 20/20??? I wish that i could have known then what i know now .. .. make some things a lot fucking easier! but none of that is in the here or now at all. Fuck . . .a lot of things are i wish i knew that i now know. oh well, c'est la vie and ce le gare. can't dwell on the past and still expect to move on with the future. it's one or the other right? of course right! okay, off for the day to work. untill next time, good moshpitting to all!

damn it, i hate it when people yank me around. just got a message from a guy i was interested it, but got angry at me for a mistake. i haven't heard from him in a while, so i decided to pick up and kep going with life. what else was i to do, last thing he said to me was that he hated me and didn't want to hear from me. so, i get this message (obvioiusly someone's gossiped to him) where he's beratting me for my choices. i feel jerked around. plain and simple and it sucks like hell. *sigh* i've made my choices, no regrets and i'm happy. damn it. i hate the drama.

okay, been sick as shit since sunday evening. and getting better seems to be going painstakingly slowly. shiiit. this sucks. we were supposed to have Harold's twins for a couple of days this week, but it's not going to happen. not when people in this house are all this sick. i hope i get better soon. gotta get back to work and make some money. yea, shoot. okay well, i'm going back to bed for now. later ya'll! untill next time, good moshpitting to all.

Okay ya'll so the show last night fucking RAWKED so hard! i wasn't too impressed with 3 inches of blood. The 69 Eyes were pretty awesome. It was Cradle of Filth however that was worth the $20 to see! Plus i got to be close to dani for a moment before going in to the show, that was the hottest shit. It definantly made a tough day really memorable in a GOOD way (miss you daddy). The only thing that would have made it perfect would have been if Harold had been able to be there. He was there with me in spirit ;-P Yea, so i had to report on that. lol. In other news, i passed my series 63 exam and I'm well on my way to being PAID! $$$$ will be a very good thing to have. because WHOEVER said "Money does not buy happiness" was a damned liar. lol, because i know tons of people that are pretty miserable without any money! okay. just one person's opinion i know, but fuck it. it's my opinion and this is my damn blog, so ya'll gotta at least listen to me. okay okay, i'm done now. Untill next time, good moshpitting to all.

okay, just have to record this "perfect moment". It was before Harold had to get ready for work. I went to the garage (i.e. "man land") to tell him about a message he had. Well, to make what very well could be a long story short, he and DD were listening to music (Garth Brooks ifin ya must know, and ya must to get the jist of this story). Well, they (but most importantly Harold) sang "Unanswered Prayers" with me there. I love hearing Harold sing, though he doesn't think that he can. He held me and sang and it was a perfect moment. Just another reasong that I LOVE HAROLD! oh, today was Tina's birthday (YAY TINA!) and she liked the presents that i got her. horray. got her some DVDs, a pair of Gucci sunglasses and a pair of Chanel shoes. so when she goes out on business or to conferences for business, she can be well dressed and feel confadent about herself. Next birthday up . . .Harold's. w00t! okay, just had to share all that with ya'll. Untill next time good moshpitting to all.

today sucked BALLS. yea, it really did. been training to take my NASD exams and it's a slow and boring process. took a practice test today and flunked in miserably. with as many times as i've read the damn book i fucking flunked it. that, needless to say, pisses me off royally. what's worse, i take the ACTUAL exam in a week. yeah, like i'm SO FUCKING encouraged right now. sorry, had to scream and rant a bit. just want the training to be done so i can be making money. i feel stupid not drawing a pay check. i feel like i am mooching off of harold and my mum's generosity and i hate that feeling. *sigh* blah.

well, it's tuesday of my second week of work. i have one complaint. Intern "M" we'll call him. it's like he looks down his FUCKING nose at me and i find that irritating. he's an INTERN for heaven and hell's sakes! i also don't like some of his ideas about relationships, but that's another issue. i hate being called a "broad" or being told "smooth move exlax" by him when i make a mistake. i'm a woman not a broad and i'm human and therefore prone to making mistakes of one sort or another at one time or another in my life. gotta get through this to the next weekend. or untill chuckles isn't at the office any more.