Georgia Rose's blog: "no pun intended"

ST. M O M M A' S W O R T Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. F L I P I T O R Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. M E N I C I L L I N Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person . Can we get naked now?" B U Y A G R A Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. J A C K A S S P I R I N Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat. A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. N A G A M E N T When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

Darned clever, these Canadians? Due to the global war on terrorism, many terrorist organizations have had their finances frozen. Consequently, they have resorted to counterfeiting. The Canadians have decided to redesign their currency to prevent the radical Islamists from even touching it!? It is also hoped that this will have a positive effect on tourism :

Pantyhose Quiz How many animals can fit into a pair of pantyhose at one time? Have you really thought about this? Well first lets put in 10 little piggies then we really need to add a couple of calves then how about a an untold numbers of hares and without further ado one

THE SHOOVER Vacuum shoes suck up dust as you walk IT'S a brilliant feat of design - vacuum shoes which suck up the dust as you walk. The Shoover - which makers Electrolux call the Dustmate - is perfect for anyone who hates housework. It has a tiny rechargeable vacuum inside the base. And there is a laser movement sensor which switches the suction on and off automatically to save energy. It's all made of green nylon with a flexible rubber sole and elastic sock to fit any foot making it comfortable to wear. Electrolux said: "We all have to vacuum our home - this product is designed for busy people who want to keep the housework down to a minimum. Dustmate provides a cleaning solution that doesn't take up any precious free time. "As you walk, the base of the shoes collect dust on the floor without requiring any effort. It is a simple yet creative cleaning concept." The designers came up with the invention after asking consumers what they wanted and finding that they were just too busy to spend ages doing housework. Research found that only 28 per cent Hoover daily - down six per cent in the last two years.

What Santa really wants to say after all these years... Dear Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. yer Frend, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa ____________________________________________________ Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa ____________________________________________________ Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do? Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Lego's instead. Santa ____________________________________________________ Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Play station, a train, some G. I. Joe's, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa ____________________________________________________ Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for or your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa ____________________________________________________ Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking my self silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa ____________________________________________________ Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa ____________________________________________________ Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy Timmy, That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa ____________________________________________________ Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your butt whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams! Santa

> Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the > pearly gates. > > "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each > possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." > > The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He > > flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. > > "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said. > > The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. > He > shook them and said, "They're bells". > > Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates. > > The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and > finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. > > Saint Peter looked with a r aised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do > those symbolize?" > > The man replied, "They're Carols."

Thomas B. O'Malley might loan this sweet young smelly thing his flatulence medicine!! Flatulence brought 99 passengers on an American Airlines flight to an unscheduled visit to Nashville early Monday morning. Advertisement American Flight 1053, from Washington Reagan National Airport and bound for Dallas/Fort Worth, made an emergency landing here after passengers reported smelling struck matches, said Lynne Lowrance, a spokeswoman for the Nashville International Airport Authority. The plane landed safely. The FBI, Transportation Safety Administration and airport authority responded to the emergency, Lowrance said. The passengers and five crew members were brought off the plane, together with all the luggage, to go through security checks again. Bomb-sniffing dogs found spent matches. The FBI questioned a passenger who admitted she struck the matches in an attempt to conceal body odor, Lowrance said. The woman lives near Dallas and has a medical condition. The flight took off again, but the woman was not allowed back on the plane. "American has banned her for a long time," Lowrance said. She was not charged but could have been. While it is legal to bring as many as four books of paper safety matches onto an aircraft, it is illegal to strike a match in an airplane, Lowrance said.

A LITTLE SOMETHING TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR CHRISTMAS SHOPPING! Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems. Rule #1: When in doubt, buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why. Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words, "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with your 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why. Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why. Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. If God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented jockey shorts. Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money, buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips. Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer. Rule #7: Do not buy a married man aftershave or deodorant. Men do not stink, they are earthy. These gifts are OK for single men. But remember that for them this is just a means to an end, like a cat sees bird seed. Rule #8: Buy men label makers. This gift is almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks... Shorts... Cups... Saucers... Door... Lock... Sink... You get the idea. No one knows why. Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Ace Hardware, Big 5, Lowe's, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sears are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need." "Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks." Rule #11: Men enjoy danger and action. That's why they never cook, unless the cooking process involves a gadget that does something cool. This is also why they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Smoke and flames! Who wants a hamburger?" Get him the George Forman Lean Mean Grilling Machine. "Whoa! Look at the grease come out of that burger!" Don't get him a bread machine - boooorrrring. Rule #12: Tickets to a ball game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why. Rule #13: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker. Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why. Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes them back to their cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.

One day, a man went to visit a church. He got there early, parked his car, and got out. Another car pulled up near and the driver got out and said,"I always park there! You took my place!" The visitor went inside for Sunday School, found an empty seat and sat down. A young lady from the church approached him and stated, "That's my seat! You took my place!" The visitor was somewhat distressed by this rude welcome, but said nothing. After Sunday School, the visitor went into the sanctuary and sat down. Another member walked up to him and said, "That's where I always sit! You took my place!" The visitor was even more troubled by this treatment, but still He said nothing. Later as the congregation was praying for Christ to dwell among them, the visitor stood up, and his appearance began to change. Horrible scars became visible on his hands and on his sandaled feet. Someone from the congregation noticed him and called out, "What happened to you?" The visitor replied, as his hat became a crown of thorns, and a tear fell from his eye, "I took your place." When you read this, say a prayer. Thank Jesus For Taking Your Place That's all you have to do. There is nothing attached. This is powerful. Maybe, just maybe, we can get the world to start thinking of Who took our place. God Bless America

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra... 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" 7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual." 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy. 9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!" 13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. 14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!". 16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." 18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little , which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,he suffered from bad breath. This made him A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.