**** this one is not good at all, but i had to get it out there ****
i feel the way i feel and you feel without feeling
if i could make it another way
i would go back
back to yesterday
any moment but this
when i realized that you have never really been here
you couldn't be me
you could never walk a moment here
so take your judgement and burn
i hate you for making me be the strong one all the time
i hate you for making me love you
i love you for not hating me
too many thoughts
just give me peace
where are the drugs?
how didn't you see
that i built these dreams for you
that we are in your heaven right now
and you're only focused on what i'm no longer giving you
look what i've done
built on blood sweat tears and broken heart moments
walls made of sacrifice
walls made of my soul
look what i've done
i just need a break
let me rest
let me rediscover
let me see if there is anything left
distorted my shape...my soul...
to give you your peace
and now i will take some of my own.
i'm so sorry i couldn't be as amazing as you expect me to be
...that after these years have worn me down I have finally buckled
i'm so sorry that my morals passed away
i think this is the way it was always going to end up
thinking thinking thinking
trying to understand what's going on
as i bounce around in my own head like a rubber ball
and what's left of me melts away
i hope our friendship isn't drowned in sorrow
this is not what i wanted
i'm so sorry.
stand in your own judgement
may the shadow cast
drown your souls as it has mine.
like acid it has dilluted
and eaten away a surface once bright.
cut into eachother
slicing off pieces of heart
until nothing is left
but a miserable human average.
I was given a name
that carried a strange burden.
there must be a cell that dictates the weight
ever preseent on my heart.
temporary gift of a 5 year lift.
and i am standing on the precipice.
knowing and not knowing
of the fall to come,
and the crash landing that awaits.
In the Park
here i am,
lost in private thought
in a public place.
sitting by cold stones
that are older than generations.
there is a sickly knowledge
interfering with the peace of the moment.
after years of cutting, moulding and shaping
i'm still nothing more than the average.
not a happy ending princess as promised
but a fall back plan.
a child in a world of adult rules and expectations.
a bad poet without wisodm.
A Dream on the Wind
if the wind could bring me to you
i'd be there in moments soft and slow
to share in your reserve of peace and freedom.
without the law and promises we made
in foolish and weak moments.
just to stand and gaze into the night air,
where nothing of yesteryear mattered.
only this etherial bond
that has no explanation.
only two souls calling to eachother.
i'd only ask to stand in your presence,
and see what magic would spark there.
if they love as they say,
wouldn't they want that much for us?
just to be as children at play for some days that will come and go...?
the last one is for my dear friend B.K.C. who has been there for me time and time again...and never asks
me for anything.