So, this is a whole new month. Another month added to my life. July. 2008. My life just seems to keep progressing. And I don't know where it's going. I can't control it. And it really bothers me. I can't control my emotions anymore... I care about things I normally wouldn't... and I can't care about things I want to. My life is just, perfect in so many ways... and in other ways... it's one big jumbled mess...
I have a man who worships the ground I walk on... who adores me, and loves me, and will do anything for me... I am going to marry this guy... and he is going to complete my life, my heart, and my soul....
On the other hand, I sit and look back on my life... I've had some insane dreams recently...
One about my mother... I found out she was still alive... but dying... and I had to pull the plug, but then the government used her for some sort of bio-weapon... like in Resident Evil (and no I haven't watched it recently)... That dream fucked me up... major... second dream recently about her still being alive... I never saw her dead... i don't KNOW that she is... (i mean, yeah she is... but i can't say i KNOW... if that makes any sense) And I want my mom back... I want her to hold me, and love me, and protect me. I want to be able to cry to her, and have her hold me, and tell me it will all be ok... I have Cheryl now... and it means the world to me... but she is so far away... and I can't just have her hug me when I cry... I mean, she doesn't REPLACE my mother... but she is my new mother... if that makes any sense... and I wish I had her here... although they are moving to san antonio... so at least i will have her there... and that will really help... I'm not sure if there is any connection in my dreams about my mom and my new relationship with cheryl.... but it's really strange... I know my mom is happy I have her in my life now... and I know she's happy my dad has someone to love him... there is underlying feeling of betrayal... but I don't know why... I love Cheryl todeath... and I often refer to as my mom... and I can't help but feel like I'm betraying my mother... but I know that isn't the case... It's a new and odd feeling for me... but one that I am happy I have. It means I have someone who I love and who loves me enough to call my mother... something I haven't had in 15 years... so all new feelings are hard to learn and accept... but it's a blessing... that much I know...
Past that, I have all this bullshit with Dennis going on... It sucks. WHen I was 17... I emailed him... because I was heart broken... and wanted someone to love me... I was hurt over Lindon... and just wanted someone to show me love... so I emailed him... i almost wanna smack lindon for it lol I remember telling him about moving to Enid, to be with Dennis... and then Dennis talking shit to him in wal mart... lmfao damn that was some funny shit... Dennis was pissed because he knew I still loved lindon... why didn't we see we were making a mistake then? He ruined my life... but, he gave me my two beautiful babies. I can't hate him... but at the same time, I do... I know I hurt him... I cheated on him a lot... but he treated me like shit... I wanted someone to love me... and thats why... i mean, it was with the same guy... so it's not like i was being some hooker... I thought i was in love... He blames me for so much... but... he wasn't exactly innocent himself... So I'm like, WTF? He talks so much shit to me, and says these hateful things about me... yet, he is the root of all of it... him and his psycho family.... I would never dream of cheating on Adam.... It's actually kind of funny... But Adam shows me he loves me. And I know I love him...
THe past 24 hours... i have just been thinking a lot about the past 15 years of my life... and it's very hard for me... things i thought i knew, vs the things i know now... they always say hindsight is 20/20... damn isn't that true... I would have never fucking moved to Newkirk... NEVER.... EVER... dear lord. I keep trying to forget that part of my life... not just him... but everything there... a few select people from there I keep in my life... but for the most part, I want to forget that place.... And I've done a great job... until Dennis and I fight, and he throws the lindon bullshit in my face... like he always does... Which he did yesterday.. and I'm like, seriously dude... You were treating me like shit... your family was treating me like shit... I wanted to believe someone could love me....and i thought lindon did... sure, I made a mistake... i made lots of them... would i change it? probably... i dont think I gained anything from that. SO, would I change things? Yeah... probably... but not to where I was still with Dennis. Because, I don't think that has ever been a good thing for me... mentally... He's torn me down... still tries to... So I just can't do it anymore. I just can't give a shit, and I just can't care. I really and truly don't care what happens to him... even as the father of my children, I still can't bring myself to give a shit about him. He tries as hard as he can to tear me down because things aren't going right for him,... so I can't do it anymore.. I have to do what is best for me. And removing him from my life is all I can do... So, that's what I am going to do... he can exit my life swiftly. No more texts, no more calls.. no more talking...He's been blocked on myspace and fubar... so he has no choice but to contact me via cell... thank god for the 'f-U' button and delete... I don't have to care anymore... I just dont...
And, On a small side note... I don't want to alarm anyone... buuut... i have abnormal papsmear results... and I have to go in and go get checked... I had pre-cancer shit in my cervix when I was 17... and the doc in ponca said it was possible and likely to come back, and be full blown cancer by the time i was 25... soooo, at some point I'm going in and getting checked... They did a papsmear when I had my miscarriage... but they mailed the results to the wrong place, and i never got them... i found out because they called me the other day... the letter was returned to them (i wrote my address wrong when i went in i guess... not sure how i pulled that one off) but, I had a voicemail, so I called them back... she said it didn't CAUSE the miscarriage... she said it was likely due to maternal stress (hmmmm I WONDER WHY I WOULD BE FUCKING STRESSED) but, regardless... I have to go get another pap and a biopsy... ghey... not sure when though... i'll keep you all updated... just don't get your panties in a wad...
Anyways, I have to get cleaning... and make the girls breakfast.... email me or something
Song lyrics |
Rise Above This lyrics
