H to the P HafPint if youre nasty's blog: "Never understood..."

An Obituary Printed In The London Times Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home, and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled some in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on.

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE THANKSGIVING Twas the Night Before Thanksgiving, and all through the bar Were your old High School classmates, returning home from afar. Their hands were double-fisting and their faces were a smile, In hopes to avoid the parental convos for a while. Hurdling towards black-out, you and your friends Ordering shots by the round, maxing out to no end. Drinking Captain and Jack, Jaeger and Beer All in the hopes that sobriety would no longer be here. The local tavern so dark, transformed for the night. Into a college meet-market for the young drinker's delight. Blackout Wednesday is here with booze on the minds, Of every young coed, huddled crowded inside. In the corner, the jocks, recall their old glory days, As they rubbed their beer guts and yelled 'man, you're so gay'. They pounded their fists on the bar, which raised such a clatter, That the barkeep soon rushed over to see what was the matter. The guys all got quiet, the whole bar turned to view, As the barman got mad and pointed to the crew. "If you drunks don't quit it," he said with such class, "I'm gonna come over there, and beat on your ass". The once popular girls, not so 'in' anymore, Had adopted new names, like fat-ass and whore. On, Kiki! On, Taylor! On, Catherine and Justine! You all went to college and gained the freshman fifteen. But Jessica, how you changed. You once were so flat. Now your curves are so kicking, your chest is so stacked. Hey Jess, here's my number. I know it's been long, But I think dinner's in order, while we're both still at home. But Jeff, oh he's turning, his face a shade green Clear the way to the bathroom, if you know what I mean. Hey Rob, let's get going. I'm all out of cash. We've all drank too much, pretty soon we'll just crash. He called up a cab, and it soon would be here, the license plate said Fresh and had a dice in the mirror. My money spent on drinks, so Rob paid the fare, And I thought yo forget it, I'm drunk I don't care. I returned to my home and climbed into bed, as visions of Jessica bounced through my head. College is awesome, don't get me wrong about that. But Thanksgiving parties are rad; straight up, yo true fact. In the morning I'd gorge, on football and fowl, but for now I'll just sleep off this hangover a-while. Outside Rob called, as the cab sped out of sight, "Hey douche, best get ready. We're going out tomorrow night!"

The question, "So you want to have your cake and eat it too?" As a matter of fact, yes! Yes, I want to have my cake and eat it too. Why the hell would someone get cake if they didn't want to eat it? Just to stare at it? Show it to people? AND... why the hell didn't George Carlin ever cover this topic? Seriously!