Again here I am crying. (what else is knew right?) I don't know what to do.
I can apologize over and over for the things I have done. I don't know what else it is I can do.
I feel so helpless, so depressed. I can only do what I can to show him that I love him . My heart hurts so bad when he says the things he says, I feel so low, feel like I am nothing .Like I deserve this and things will never change no matter how hard I try. I really don't know what it is that he wants me to do.
I don't want to be disrespected and I don't understand how someone who cares about me so much can keep making me feel the way I am feeling. I love him and don't want to lose him .
I hate myself . My self esteem and confidence in myself is gone. My heart is on the table for him to do what ever he wants to. All I can do is let him .
I feel like I am going crazy. I want to talk to him but it always turns back to what I have done to him. I ask myself why I am doing this to myself????
Why I am here?? But I love him so much I can't let him go. How someone I love so much can make me make me feel like I am the best thing in the world and times make me feel like I will never be good enough. I can't see clearly,I am lost. I am at the end of myself when it comes to what he wants from me. Every tear that falls my eyes, falls because I have no control or sense of who I am anymore.
I want him to believe in me. Love me. Trust me. Help me be a better person. Better myself.
I used to think it's who he was and who I was but now I see its just who you know. If I can't be good enough for him now.. I will never be. This is me. This is my life, my kids.
All I can say is there one thing I am not confused about, and that is being with him. I have made my decision. I just want to be loved by him and I'll show him that I love him a million times back.
I am guessing that he has a lot of thinking to do...and I understand that.
I know it's a big deal that I have 4 kids... maybe this was something he should of thought about a long time ago before walking into and out of our lives. why can' he understand? It's his choice to be with me and have my children apart of his life. It's not mine. I have made my choice.
In the end.. This is about him.. not about me anymore. I am left here standing watching him walk away and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.
