my aggrivation continues :/ wish i could stop dreaming of ravyn. though i'm not sure that i wish i'd stop or more wish it wasn't just a bunch of lies. i hate being lied to every single night. she'll never talk to me and we'll never even be friends so why won't she leave my heart alone? i know it's not her fault she doesn't want me to think of her or dream of her i'm sure, but this time is different then all the other times. i haven't obsessed or tried to think of her constantly. even trying to let her go out my heart she won't leave. *sigh* it pretty much left for a week and i thought it would perhaps stay gone. i'm tired of being left confused and to make it worse i hurt people whenever i get emotionally confused n such.
i get to drive to work by myself tomorrow, atleast i have that. it's one of the few things that seems to have really gone right. guess maybe more has, just nothing really that important. mm i lost my train of thought and guess there's not too much else. just wish certain thoughts would stop tormenting me. including thoughts of jamming a knife through my chest and things like that. meh, i don't obsess over thoughts like i used to, they're just always there.
already posted this but had an after thought to ponder and add. in my first dream i was with someone holding them i think it was rochelle and my dad was there and i had to do stuff cuz we were leaving or something. like leaving forever. we were inside a school or something not sure and ravyn's mom was sitting there, i think she wanted to say something to me and might have but i don't know what. she seemed to have a realization she'd never see me again. it was almost as if i was leaving ravyn behind for good or something donno. and in the next dream i was just talking to ravyn, was actually nice because it was like a real conversation and such, and she tried to say how we seem to both be doing great and i basically told her she's doing great i've been horrible i remember her words of "i've never been happier" but something was making her sad and feel pain, though i don't think she ever completely explained it. but, yea just wanted to add that cuz i thought of it.
now i'm a little worried i somehow caused rochelle drama. i hadn't heard from her all weekend then today she texted saying she's had alot happen and alot to think about and such and things have been kinda bleh. she couldn't talk cuz she had to go to class and didnt say if it was my fault or stuff. she still called me sweetie so i can assume she's not upset with me or feeling she needs to push me away just hope she isn't in pain cuz of me. seems everyone is in pain cuz of me.
