AXcess Denied's blog: "My Writings ....."

Everything I see reminds me of you. A Song, a Smell, a persons Laugh Laying in your arms on so many cold nights Feeling you pull me close, telling me how much you love me and that without me you would die. Where are you now? Where was your fight? You let me walk away so easily. Destroyed my heart, made it easy for me to give up. Now I sit here and think of you with every song that plays, every poem I read, every couple I see in their romantic bliss. I never thought that this would be something I would miss. Where are we now? Where was our fight? We let each other walk away so easily. Trusting Relationships were not my fortee and now you have made it even more so. I gave you my heart, my soul, gave you the real me. How could you look into my eyes and lie to me You left me their to bleed, my tears fall, my soul crumbles. I know now I should have never loved another. To many what if's, to many Why's ... Where am I now, There is no more fight, I find it easier to just walk away

I read this is a book and it was perfect for my life and I am sure many of my friends lives as well. Read it, Cherish it, and enjoy the fruits of Life. My Journey has been long. I do not regret it. At Times, it has been dark, a perilous course. At other times, joyous, dappled with sunlight. it has been hard more often than easy. The road was fraught with dangers for me from the beginning, the forest thick, the mountains high, the darkness terrifying. And through it all, even in the mists, a small pinpoint of light, a tiny star to guide me. I have been both wise and foolish. I have been loved, and betrayed, and abandoned. And much to my despair, I have unwittingly wounded others, and humbly beg their forgiveness. I have forgiven those who have hurt me, as I pray they will forgive me for allowing them to hurt me. I have loved much, and given of my whole heart and soul. And even when badly wounded, have continued on the path, with faith, and hope, and even blind belief, toward love and freedom. The journey continues, easier than it has been. For those of you still lost in the darkness, may your traveling companions treat you well. May you find safe havens when you need them, and clearings in the forest. May you find cool waters where you can safely drink, quench your thirst, and bathe your wounds. And may you one day find healing. When we meet, our hands will join, and we will know each other. The light is there, waiting for us. We must each, in our own way, journey on until we find it. To reach it, we will need determination, strength and courage, gratitude and patience. And after all that, wisdom. And at journey's end, we will find ourselves, we will find peace, and the love that, until now, we have only dreamed of. May God speed you on your journey and protect you.

I always needed time on my own I never thought I'd need you there when I cry And the days feel like years when I'm alone And the bed where you lie is made up on your side When you walk away I count the steps that you take Do you see how much I need you right now When you're gone The pieces of my heart are missing you When you're gone The face I came to know is missing too When you're gone The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok I miss you I've never felt this way before Everything that I do reminds me of you And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do When you walk away I count the steps that you take Do you see how much I need you right now We were made for each other Out here forever I know we were, yeah All I ever wanted was for you to know Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah

This songs lyrics really made me think of something .... Seems it is another part of my life, Some lessons we learn in life take longer than other. You can not continue to fall for someone that does not fall for you. There comes a moment when we must admit defeat and move on with our lives. Mel I am sure you will like this as well. How many times have you told me you love her? As many times as I wanted to tell you the truth. How long have I stood here beside you? I lived through you, you looked through me. Ooo, Solitude Still with me is only you Ooo, Solitude I can't stay away from you How many times have I done this to myself? How long will it take before I see? When will this hole in my heart be mended? Who now is left alone but me? Ooo, Solitude Forever me and forever you Ooo, Solitude Only you, Only true Everyone leaves me stranded, forgotten, abandoned left behind. I can't stay her another night Your secret admirer, who could it be? Can't you you see all along it was me? How can you be so blind as to see right through me? Solitude Still with me is only you Ooo, solitude I can't stay away from you Solitude Forever me and forever you Ooo, Solitude Only you, Only true

This song reminded me of my life and the relationship I was going through ..... Who would have thought That you could hurt me The way you've done it? So deliberate, so determined And since you have been gone I bite my nails for days and hours And question my own questions on and on So tell me now, tell me now Why you're so far away When I'm still so close You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry" You said you would love me until you die And as far as I know you're still alive, baby You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry" I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart I tried so hard to be attentive To all you wanted Always supportive, always patient What did I do wrong? I'm wondering for days and hours It's here, it isn't here where you belong Anyhow, anyhow I wish you both all the best I hope you get along But you don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry" You said you would love me until you die And as far as I know you're still alive, baby You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry" I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry" You said you would love me until you die And as far as I know you're still alive, baby You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry" I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart Open heart Open heart It should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart Open heart Open heart It should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

I want to Masquerade my face So no one can tell it is me. I want to disconnect my past and finally be free. I want to condemn my spirit and dare let no one be near it. I want to conclave with my soul in it's wretched grave. And when they look upon my grave In anguish I want them to cry and feel pain, and regret the way I have felt. I wish this upon them threefolds and three lifetimes. Let them not be forgiven until they lay hopeless and helpless hanging onto their last breath feeling nothing but guilt and grief. My face and my name running through their mind along with the many people they have wronged in their life Then I will know that I have not been alone in this disregarded world. Then as they lie there wondering if this is how it should end, I shall take them to the land of the peace and forgiveness. They will see my condemned soul coming to rescue them and become lost in my delicate angelic beauty. Forgiveness will be rendered when they bow their heads in shame and ask for my forgiveness through tear stained eyes.

I looked in the mirror this morning and saw a little girl. Her hazel eyes were full of pain and tears began to flow. She stared at me with deep regret In hopes that I would not forget. I could not break my trance from her, The more I stared the more I felt Her emotions come to me. The pain, the sadness, the abuse, the feelings of helplessness and abandonment. No one there to help her out. No One there to love her for who she has become. Her Self Esteem is non existant, Sex is all men think of when they see her. Lonely nights spent alone crying herself to sleep. Long Days spent behind her masks of Disguise, A Mask of innocents and Composure. Under it all her emotions are chaotic, Still she manages to smile and give all of her kindness. And as I stared into her Beautifil eyes, It all became clear to me............... And Tears filled my eyes When I realized that this little girl looking back at me was myself.

I hide my composure well, A girl out of control. I hide behind this innocent face, A Lonely and Lost soul. Letting only few near me, And fewer into my heart. For me love is a deceitful stranger One who cares for no one, But loves to leave you scarred. It definitely teaches you a lesson, A lesson shortly taught, Because after a while you end up back where you have started. Empty, Lonely, sad, and broken-hearted. "You'll find that special one, someday," This is what they always say, Sure, I may find him but who is to say He will be looking for me that day. So if love never find me, I'd save a lot of pain. Although I think, Is there anything to gain? Without a love by my side I'd still be the same, Lost, Lonely, and Broken-hearted Without you to cause me my pain.

If tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not here to see. If the sun should rise to find your eyes are filled with tears for me; I hope you will not cry the way you might that day, thinking of the many things we didn't get to say. I know how much you love me and you know that I love you, and each time that you'd think of me, Please know I'd miss you too. If tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand that an angel came and called my name, and took me by the hand. The angel said my place was ready, in heaven far above, and that I'd have to leave behind all those I dearly love. But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye for all my life, I'd always thought, that I would never die. I have so much to live for, so much left to do, it seems almost impossible, that I'd be leaving you. I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad, the thought of all the love we shared, and all the fun we had. But then I walked through heaven's gates and felt so much at home. When God looked down and smiled at me, from his Great Golden Throne, He said,"This is eternity, and all I've promised you, today your life on earth is past, but here life starts anew. I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last and since each day's the same way there's no longing for the past. You have been so faithful, so trusting and so true, though there were times you did some things you knew you shouldn't do. But you have been forgiven and now at last you're free. So won't you come and take my hand and live in peace with me? So if tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart. for every time you think of me, I'll be there inside your heart.

Never have I felt so free, As I did the day you left me. I have to admit I did cry, But after a few days I wondered "why?" I never really Loved you. Never really cared. I never had the feeling of till death do us part. Never had that aching need for you in my heart. I know it may sound crazy and I may sound harsh, But I am so happy now that you have left my life. I can move on now, I can live my own life. I will not make the mistake again of being someone's wife. The kids are all I have now, no more worrying of what I did wrong. I finally made the brave choice to not keep stringing you along. So Say your Goodbyes, taste my lips one last time and never look back. You are free to grow now, free to burden someone else. I am so delighted to be all by myself.