My Two Homes
I have never felt so lucky as I do now. I came home to see the hill that our apartment is set into, colors somber, compared to the colors at the home I just came from. These colors muted still beautiful with splashes of bright yellow and vibrant reds, accented by the quiet deep greens of the soft woods that never loose their foliage. I know that while I am coming home, I am coming from the place I have always and will likely always call home.
I have spent years, in what I thought was only traveling, learning, about myself and life. While I was doing both of those things i was alsowas running from myself. I have recently been shown just how wrong I have been in at least a couple of things.
For sometime now I had convinced myself that once Mom passed that I would loose touch with my family. I had further convinced myself that once that happened it would not touch me in anyway. For some reason that I can not fathom at this time I had come to the conclusion that my family was, well not angry but that I was not a part of the 'family', that I was so different from them that they wouldn't miss me and I was fine with that... ever hear of the fox and the grapes???? "If I can't have it then I didn't really want it anyways." or something to that effect.
While I have known as I am sure everyone in my family has known that it would not be long before our Mother would not be here with us. I had hoped that I had come to grips with that eventuality. No one ever really comes to grip with that, not totally.
The call finally came that I only had a short time to go back home to see her. At first I didn't know what to do, how to do; I was numb. I am very fortunate to have a partner that cares very deeply for me, that knew what needed to be done and had the means to do them.
In less than 24 hours I was on my way to my Mom's home, to my first home. For much of my time there I remained numb, but for brief moments of wet eyes and sobs caught in the throat. I thought for a time that a medicine I am taking ( a mood stabilzer) is what was causing my lack of feeling. I understand now that the deep emotion that I felt would take time to come out. I have since had a couple of deep sobbing crys that I had here in this home with my partner, Mike's, arms around me. Him knowing and understanding that it was something that I needed to do.
What I did learn though was that this medicine gave me a clarity of mind to know that all those things I had been thinking and feeling about my family was all in my head. I am so glad that I have finally become reconnected with my family, all of them, my siblings by birth and those brought into the family by my Mom and Dad's love and understanding.
I miss her so much. I realize while reaching for the phone to call her to let her know how things were going suddenly I realize she would not be there. I find myself waking up in the middle of the night with her image imprinted deeply in my half sleep, a short thought of sadness touchs me. Then I remember her and her love of life, her humor, her selflessness. I feel a smile creep across my lips and know that while she is remembered she lives... she lives with each of us that knew her and loved her.
