Miss Kiki's blog: "My thoughtful side"

So now I'm being told to hurry up with my info to file for divorce because its been six months and its time to get this done. Six? Its September right? He left in May. That's four months. Okay, we had the big confrontation in April...that's five months. I guess he gets to start the timer from when he met his girlfriend, even though I was still clueless that my marriage was over. Gee, that's fair. I hate that one short email can ruin my whole frigging day. Its not enough that I'm here by myself with two kids, no job, no break, and no end in sight. I have to get the psychological crap on a regular basis. I know there is no easy answer to all of this. I just had to vent so hopefully I can salvage the day. Hope yours is better than mine.

I wasn't sure how I would feel today. I knew it was coming...and I was trying not to think about it. Deal with it when it comes, right? Now its here. I'm looking back over the last 8 years...and I am at a loss as to why we were together so long. I figured out about two years in that he could care less about me. Two years later, I knew he hated me. I knew it was over the last time I got pregnant. Even though we knew we wanted another kid, he acted like I trapped him. He was gone before she was a year old. That he never connected with his daughter truly breaks my heart. Why did I spend so much time with such a selfish person? More importantly, how do I make sure I never do it again? Needing love today...if you can spare it. Thanks everybody.

I had a great day. I had two awesome interviews for a job I think I might get. I bought smaller jeans. So why am I not dancing around in circles? Because, no matter how hard I fight to declare my single-dom, a great day really is nothing without someone to tell it all to. That red couch you all have seen? It sits empty most of the time. I can't bear to sit on it alone, aware of how much real estate is spanning out next to me. It can't be just anyone. Who is it? Someone I have yet to meet? Someone I've just met? Someone who has been there a long time? I don't expect answers to anything...just needed to purge so I can sleep.

I'm at odds with myself. There is the crush, the seed of doubt, the lust, the desire for variety, the longing for something else. Am I needed? wanted? merely seethed for? To examine what they want would be to examine far too closely what I want. So, do I just carry on, pretending a lightness I do not feel? Or re-adjust my focus and take a leap of faith? A bevy of rhetorical questions, to be sure.

A Dream Within A Dream -E A Poe Take this kiss upon the brow! And, in parting from you now, Thus much let me avow - You are not wrong, who deem That my days have been a dream; Yet if hope has flown away In a night, or in a day, In a vision, or in none, Is it therefore the less gone? All that we see or seem Is but a dream within a dream. I stand amid the roar Of a surf-tormented shore, And I hold within my hand Grains of the golden sand - How few! yet how they creep Through my fingers to the deep, While I weep - while I weep! O God! can I not grasp Them with a tighter clasp? O God! can I not save One from the pitiless wave? Is all that we see or seem But a dream within a dream?